Loss

Experiencing loss in any realm can be extremely difficult, such as the loss of an object that held special meaning, the unexpected loss of a job or the loss a loved one. Events such as these typically bring up feelings of sadness, disappointment, confusion, anger, frustration and hurt.

There is no right or wrong way to handle loss. Everyone deals differently with uncomfortable feelings. Some people cry on the spot. Some people nervously laugh. Some people yell passionately. Some people withdraw. Some people talk. Some people write. Some people pray. Some people run. Some people sleep. Some people do a combination of these things. Some people don’t do any of these things. There are infinite ways to cope with loss, which is an unavoidable part of living.

Many people hear the word “loss” and think in negative terms. When thought of from a different perspective, one might discover some positives. One that pops into mind is that loss provides the opportunity to learn. Some questions one might ask are: “How does this loss fit into my life on a larger spectrum? Am I able to see how the loss might serve a purpose?” These remind me of the quote, “When one door closes, another opens.” Ask yourself what opportunities have been granted as a result of the loss?

Loss may also provide the chance to learn more about oneself. What was it that made the loss so influential and what areas in your life did the loss most strongly impact? The answers can help to identify things that you truly value in life. Furthermore, one might reflect on how the loss was handled. Would you do anything differently the next time you experience similar feelings? Why or why not?

In addition to becoming more familiar with oneself, loss may also bring you closer to others. Support groups are often available for those struggling with similar situations and friendships are frequently enhanced as supports come to the aid of the ailing. It can be a time of camaraderie and solidarity, despite the loss.

It is difficult not to focus on the end result of a loss, and while it’s important to allow oneself to experience the negative feelings associated with loss, being open to view the loss in a different light will aid the healing process.

Warmly,

Katie Anson, MA, LPC

Outside In

Simply touching something warm may make you feel warmly toward others, finds a study in the Oct 24 issue of Science (Vol. 322, No. 5,091). Yale researchers asked undergraduate study participants to hold a cup of coffee- either hot or iced- and then to rate the personality traits of a fictitious person. Those who had held the hot coffee saw the person as more generous, sociable and good-natured than those who had held the cold cup. Lead author Lawrence Williams, PhD, now at the University of Colorado at Boulder, says the findings suggest that people may be more sensitive to cues in their physical environments than we often think. “We shouldn’t underestimate the importance of our surroundings in shaping our thoughts, feelings and actions,” he says.

- Monitor on Psychology, January 2009 Vol.40, No.1

I never thought too much about my morning cup of coffee- until I stumbled upon this excerpt. I know, like most people, a little bit about the mind-body connection- sufficient sleep is crucial for mental performance, a good workout can produce endorphins which contribute to a positive mood, adequate food is necessary to keep the mind functioning optimally.

But “simply touching something warm may make you feel warmly toward others”? Wow. I sure could use that piece of information the next time I’m feeling crabby toward my husband.

I was fascinated by what the Yale researchers found because their study demonstrated just how impactful the environment is on not only our inner thoughts and feelings toward ourselves, but also toward others. It seems to me that that warm cuppa joe made the holder of the cup feel warm inside (feel good about themselves) so that the holder could feel warm toward others (feel good about everyone else).

It is pretty obvious that we can’t really feel good toward others without taking care of ourselves first, but many people in today’s modern hustle and bustle neglect to put self-care on the top of their to-do list. So many of us (me included) run around with crazy schedules, trying to take care of others in our lives without taking the time to rest or re-charge.

If this study is true, then one significant step that we can take toward self-care is changing the negative influencers in our surroundings. Is your cubicle at work cluttered and uninspiring? Are your walls at home a gloomy shade of gray? Do you spend a lot of time watching sad movies? Do you take the time to make hot, home-cooked dinners, or are most of your meals eaten cold, out of a plastic box?

Taking care of yourself and your relationships could be as simple as surrounding yourself with things you love, consuming foods that warm your heart, and listening to music that can bring you to lovely faraway places. If we can change the outside, then maybe how we feel inside can also change.

As for me, the next time I feel irritation and impatience arising toward my loved ones, I’m going to fix myself a nice mug of hot tea, breathe, and turn on the radio to the jazz channel.

Warmly,
Jolene Hwee

Jolene is a Master's level intern at TAC. She co-leads the Tuesday night ANAD support group.

Let your creative self shine

In the ‘hustle and bustle’ of our daily lives we have a hard time finding (or making) time for ourselves. Getting time to ‘stop and smell the roses’ is a foreign concept in which we often don’t think we can take time for, or even deserve. Noticing our senses, managing our breathing, and simply taking in the small things are all part of getting the best quality of this wonderful life.

To add one more item on the lengthy list of ‘to-dos,’ I ask that you find one way you are able to let your creativity shine through. This task does not mean to be taxing, but a way to explore more of you, slow down, and have a healthy outlet to all that may be going on in your lives. I believe creativity is an innate quality, we just have it hidden somewhere and we haven’t always given it the time to sneak out and present itself to us.

Finding our creativity may be something as fun as finding the rhythm to a song and dancing around the house to a beat you have made up. It could be singing at the top of your lungs and finding your voice is pretty great. Making little or big sketches while in transit or while on a break from work is a way to release this sparkle that we are given as well. Another way to brighten up or liven up the routine is to use fun colored markers or pens.

The options can be as cheap or as much as you would like. Getting construction paper and making stationary, making labels for items around the house, repainting furniture or picture frames, arranging flowers or even a room. There are many ideas that show our side of creativity that often times we are not even aware we have. If you don’t see yourself as a creative being, that is alright, you don’t have to start big. Grab a small, blank notebook and just start doodling. Shutting your eyes is always a good warm up. Turn on music for even 3 minutes at a time and see what appears on the page. It is a very freeing experience to have a book of scribbles or lines and not have judgment.

Whatever it is you find to bring out your creativity, own it. We are never too old for creating or making art. This is an expression of us that isn’t always visible. Just take a couple times a week to explore yourself through your very own imagination. It is a part of you that may be a nice surprise to be revealed. Just give it a whirl. Find highlighters, pens, or colored pencils, use nail polish or markers with water to make watercolor. Whatever the medium, take the time to enjoy the process, enjoy yourself, and simply be.

Warmly,

Anne Riley

Anne is a Master's level intern at TAC. She facilitates the Art Therapy group (sliding scale available) on Thursday evenings.

Self-Love: Can we just talk about me for a minute?

Most children pop out into the world and just know they are great. They love themselves, they love people around them. When we get to adulthood many of us have been taught to un-love ourselves. So what happens between childhood and adulthood? Some have learned to place others above themselves, experienced trauma, taught that self-love is somehow immodest…and then we spend so much of our adult lives vacillating between wanting to love ourselves and not knowing how to start to go about loving ourselves or even having permission to do so. Self love can be the underpinning of abundance, career, friendship and creativity.

How do you start? Starting to make your way to self love may involve looking for a time in your life when you remember that you loved yourself? Loved your personality? Loved your body? Was it early in childhood? Was it babyhood? What did it feel like? That memory may serve as a template.

How differently would you live if you treated yourself with love all day? Would you walk differently? Eat differently? Dress differently? Have more fun? Would you have a different career path? Different friends? Hobbies?

For those who have unlearned to put themselves first – or who have had it taken away, returning to that love can involve a learning curve. It can take some getting-used-to-it. Some think that self love is elusive and can only be achieved once all the un-love and forbidden emotions have been removed from one’s thought system. As if there is some policing darkness that won’t allow us to pass into the forbidden continent of “love for self”. This can be valid - other emotions are likely to show up along the path to self love. However, I’m suggesting that the process can be gentler than that. Self love can be gentle. And it can be learned gently. Self love can also be fierce, that no matter what, you can hold love for yourself.

Consider that the interfering thoughts (insecurity, anger, sadness, etc.) can occur at the same time as self love. So, you can be angry AND have self-love at the same time. You can throw a party for a friend AND have self love. You can be impatient in line AND have self love.

What do you admire about yourself? Are you a great friend? Do you expand your mind by reading? Do you have a great eye? Can you find beauty in simple things? That may be the easiest place to start. You may also ask a friend what they love about you and try to see yourself from that perspective. Gratitude is a great door into self-love.

And if all else fails, give a compliment. If you can see a quality (joy, intelligence, problem-solving, etc.) in another, then it is likely that you possess that same quality. Perhaps without even knowing it. Take it a step further and give yourself that compliment.

Lastly, a great way to find self-love is to give to yourself. Is there a color you have been craving? Give yourself that color. Draw it, color it, paint it, put it on your toenails, put some food dye in a glass of water and admire that color in a window sill in the sun. That color may represent self-love to you in that moment or day or week. Give yourself time, appreciation, quiet and still. Take yourself on a date. What have you been craving to do? Go to an art store, or sit in a park? Give it to yourself.

You may even thank yourself. Or even, dare I say?...Love yourself.

Warmly,

Erin Diedling, MEd, LPC

The moment called "Now"

Have you ever noticed all of the strange thoughts that pop into your mind all day long? Some are pleasant, others not so much. Some are loving, some are not. Some are patient, some are not. Some are brief and some are frequent. It is easy to allot different values to each one- to praise myself for having a compassionate thought or scold myself for being impatient. And then to scold myself for having a negative thought following the scolding.

In the end each thought is only that- a thought. It is I who makes the ultimate decision whether or not to follow it with a behavior, to give power over to it by letting it consume me (by feeling bad for a while for having wished the person in line in front of me would make a quicker decision, for example). Then one might make the leap from thoughts to beliefs- because I had an impatient thought, I am an impatient person, and being impatient is “bad” so I am in the wrong.

This is when it is important to take a step back. Mindfully observing thoughts is like sitting back and watching the clouds pass, without judgment. No single thought, impulse, urge, or desire is who you are. I can let them come and go without getting caught up in them. I don’t need to cling to or ruminate on any of them. I can simply let them be, coming and going as they will (and they will).

I like to take note of particular thoughts and challenge them. When I feel the need to hurry, I challenge myself to move slowly and notice each small movement and ask myself what I am rushing away from. When I feel a strong desire to get off the phone, I challenge myself to listen to the person speaking and ask myself why it upsets me. When I feel angry that someone said something, I try to find forgiveness and ask if I have ever said something similar. Then forgive myself for what I said.

Sometimes a whole conversation will come and go and I will notice I missed what the person said. A whole drive home but I can’t remember what songs were on the radio. A whole day but I can’t remember what I did before work or what my boyfriend wore. Getting lost in our thoughts means that we are not fully experiencing the present moment. A whole day spent in worry and frustration over planning how I will get through all the tasks I have to do this month or what I forgot to do last month. We have this feeling of a vast past lying behind us and a vast future of things to do and see with just this tiny grain of sand we call the present moment separating the two. The truth is all we have is this vast, never ending, constantly fruitful moment called NOW.

Did you notice how the lathering soap felt on your hands or how sweet the squirrels chasing each other around a tree were today?

Warmly,

Christine McRice

Christine is a TAC intern. She co-leads the Tuesday night ANAD support group.

Simplify

“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” Hans Hofmann

When thinking about the many challenges of recovery and living an authentic, fulfilled life the idea of simplicity came to mind. This may seem to be the very opposite of our tendency as often we think that building a life that is fulfilling must be complex and complicated. To be happy, satisfied and content we often get trapped in the overwhelming thoughts of all that we must accomplish or change. We get stuck in all the noise of what we don’t know or what must be figured out. “Well when I get that to do list checked off I’ll feel better” or “As soon as I get my degree and get started on the career path I desire I will feel better” or “When I finally get to travel and get away I’ll feel better.” We focus on the future, the things we must do and all that needs to get done.

What if what would make us content and at peace is an option now? What if it is possible to have fulfillment and happiness while we work on ourselves and continue marching forward? So often we are taught and told that there are things and ways to feel happy. We are sold the lies that when we conquer our fears, when we find that relationship, when we have more money, when we buy that thing we will have happiness. The problem is we keep trying these paths to happiness and peace and they all end up as dead ends. We keep looking for the magic answer that is going to give us what we desire and we are continually disappointed until we start looking in a new direction. In.

We look for things outside of ourselves to fulfill us, define us, or take away the discontent. We make things more complicated that they need to be and think happiness has to wait while we figure it all out. What would happen if we slowed down, quieted down the noise and looked inside? What could our day look like and feel like if we chose to listen to ourselves and all the answers that already lie within? Trusting this place inside ourselves certainly takes time and practice but there is so much knowledge if we just slow down and look inside.

When we look inside and focus on what we know, what needs to be heard and how we are feeling we can truly move forward in a way that is going to feel fulfilling. We may not feel the peace, happiness or comfort immediately. But at least it gives us the chance to begin building a life based on a true sense of satisfaction. By focusing on this moment and just simply taking the next right step for ourselves we get back to looking inwards. There is a powerful, intuitive, and infinite knowledge we all have inside that we often deny and trade for the promise of external solutions that guarantee eventual satisfaction.

My hope is that we can all begin slowing down our days, finding ways to connect to that internal knowledge, and trust all we have inside to bring happiness. We often need to be reminded to quiet all the noise so we can truly hear the significant and meaningful choices that can bring the peace and joy we all desire. Taking time to pause and appreciate the simple pleasures in our lives can give us a sense of stillness and tranquility that allows the many insights we desire to emerge.

Warmly,

Jen Schurman, MA, LPC