By
Nancy Hall, MA, NCC, LPC
In an effort to take
the “manic” out of “Monday,” this weekly post explores techniques, issues,
latest research, and other thoughts on meditation. Nancy facilitates a weekly
meditation group at The Awakening Center. For more information, contact her at
773.929.6262, extension 17 or nancyhalltac@gmail.com
Psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach, PhD, writes
extensively about forgiveness, a topic I’ve had a hard time really understanding.
It’s not that I don’t believe in it or accept its value, I just resist the
notion that forgiveness is easy to experience. But Tara’s writings and guided
meditations help provide an entry point.
Tara starts with bringing a mindful attention to the heart
area. She asks us to become aware of the state of the heart right now—the felt
sense and direct experience of sensations at the heart. What is present in that
moment? Openness? Tightness? Numbness? The idea is to become aware of the
sensations around the heart without judgment.
We can then begin to explore how the heart is connected to
our own sense of being and how we feel connected with others. Do we have a
sense of belonging?
You can bring to mind a few key people from your life and
sense the degree of connectedness or separation that you are aware of. Tara
posits that the gateway to unconditional love is to begin to investigate where
we’ve created separation in our lives. What allows us to include or exclude others
from our hearts?
A path to allowing the heart to open is through forgiveness.
A forgiving heart can let go of the armor that sustains separation.
Forgiveness is not saying “what you did was OK.” You might
decide to never see someone yet not exclude him or her from your heart. Forgiving
is the movement of your own heart from past to present.
After becoming present with the state of the heart, you can
then reflect on where you feel unforgiven by others. Whether intentional or
unintentional, we have all acted or spoken in ways that left others feeling
unseen. In reflecting on these situations, we can give the wound our attention.
We can allow the other person’s hurt to register. And then we can ask for
forgiveness.
“I see the pain I’ve caused you now and I ask that you
forgive me.”
Tune in to whether you will allow yourself to feel forgiven.
Is it possible to receive forgiveness? Where are you having a hard time forgiving or
accepting yourself for something? See if you can sense underneath whatever
feels unforgivable to see what was driving you. Fear? Confusion? Hurt?
See behind the action with perspective. See vulnerability or
suffering that might have led you to cause suffering. When you sense that,
begin to offer yourself forgiveness in the same way.
“I see and feel the pain I’ve caused myself and I forgive
myself.”
Many find that when they stop punishing and blaming themselves,
they begin to see the causes and conditions that cause suffering.
Widen the circles of forgiveness to include someone you feel
has hurt you. Every one of us has felt betrayed, violated, rejected. Sense
where this is true for you and where your heart is feeling armored.
Forgiveness can be a lifelong process, and yet in any moment
that we enter with sincere intention, the armor begins to crumble. Depending on
the violation or your feelings about it, you might want to work with your
therapist so that you feel safe and grounded. But you can allow yourself to see
the person and the offense; you can see your wound and lean into that pain with
kindness and tenderness.
Sense the compassion that is holding your own heart and then
widen your perspective so you can look with clear eyes at the person who hurt
you. See if you can look past the mask to see the hurt or fear that might be
driving him or her. Your deepest wisdom knows that when we’re not suffering, we
don’t cause suffering. Sense the possibility of extending forgiveness.
“I see and feel the pain you’ve caused me and I forgive you
now.”
If you’re not quite ready, you might say something like “it’s
my intention to forgive you.”
Tara Brach helps explore forgiveness without minimizing or
suppressing the wound. We actually have to open our hearts to the pain to create
space for forgiveness. And I find comfort in that paradox.
A true friend has your back. They accept the real you with all your quirkiness and insecurities. When you are hard on yourself because you thought you made the “worst mistake in your life” they are right there beside you. They are either a phone call or a cab drive away. After a heart to heart conversation, a true friend reminds you to be kind to yourself. They help you to put things in perspective – your “mistakes” are only part of the learning process that allows you to become a better person. They help you to forgive yourself for not being perfect.
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