Our Daily Triumphs

By Nancy G. Hall, MA, LCPC

Let’s demystify therapy a bit. It is not taking inventory of all of our faults. It’s not sheepishly listing all the ways you “failed” at recovery. But most of my clients excel at that skill. They can list all their missteps, outline how they fell short, and describe in excruciating detail all the evidence that confirms they are unworthy pieces of garbage. But what happens when I ask what went right? How were they good enough? Blink … blink … that’s a tough one. I’ll admit that it’s tough for me too.

            Evolution has wisely provided us with a negativity bias, which means that our brains tend to hold on to negative experiences rather than positive ones. How is that wise? Well, it was more important for our prehistoric ancestors to remember where the saber-toothed tiger was instead of where the pretty flowers grew. The negativity bias helped ensure our survival. But this useful survival tool can become a hindrance in our relationships and sense of self-worth.

            So how do we introduce intention to our negativity bias? Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers a few ideas to remind us that we don’t fail at everything all the time.

            We can use the skill of Building Mastery to tap into that sense of accomplishment. These do not have to be monumental, life-changing challenges. They can be small—working a crossword puzzle, trying a new recipe. Or taking up a new sport of craft.

            Building Mastery is a key component in what DBT calls Coping Ahead. Emotions can be tough to manage or regulate. And they’re even tougher when we’re in pain, not rested, or hungry. So we need to tend to those needs but also reach further. By choosing to set daily challenges for ourselves, we foster a sense of accomplishment and competence. We become mindful of what we can do instead of ruminating over what we cannot do. So when the difficult emotion starts to dislodge our inner anchor, we have a series of experiences that remind us that we are competent and able and can withstand the current challenge.

            It’s hard to understand how doing a daily crossword puzzle can help when anxiety knocks you off your feet. But each reminder of our competency counters the self-judgment that waits to pounce at the slightest hint of imperfection. So set those daily challenges. And bask in your triumphs!

Nancy is a staff therapist at The Awakening Center. In addition to seeing clients for individual therapy, she facilitates the adult DBT group and the Eating Disorder Therapy Group. Like her on Facebook and subscribe to her personal blog.

Breaking the Winter Rut

This is the time of year where the cold, dark days seem to endlessly blur together. The sky is perpetually grey and there are constant traces of salt on all of your shoes, refusing to give you respite from the weather, even when indoors.

When I awaken in the morning, it's dark. When I leave the office in the evening, it's dark. Every time I step outside my breath is caught short by the sharp, frigid air, which somehow seeps in through my boots and gloves, leaving my toes and fingers frozen, despite my double layer of socks. Each winter as I skate along the icy sidewalks I'm guaranteed a minimum of one wipe out, rated at least a 7.5 on a scale of 1-10 for embarrassing moments. But instead of letting my mood plummet with the weather, I make time for the little things that bring a smile to my face, such as hot chocolate, catching up with far away friends on the phone, getting a pedicure, meeting friends after work for dinner or a drink, and trying a new yoga or workout class (even better when it's free!).

Some people may find it difficult to identify those things that bring them joy. If this is the case, I encourage you to try something new and then take the time to explore the experience, asking yourself what you did and didn't like about it. Practice this process for several novel activities, each time, noting aspects you did and did not enjoy. Eventually, you’ll have a list of things you like and don't, and will be more aware of your interests and what will be more likely to bring you joy.

Other people may know what makes them happy, but are challenged by time constraints or are unable to find much motivation to get them out of their winter rut. In order to prevent the winter from melding into one long depressing day, try making plans with others for an activity you genuinely enjoy, but that is a little bit further in the future. Maybe plan a day-trip to go skiing or visit friends or family over a long weekend. You will have something to look forward to and including others will increase the chance that you'll actually engage in an activity that you like. Furthermore, identify 2 -3 things that you love and work to incorporate these into your daily, weekly or monthly routine. That might be a monthly massage, a weekly bubble bath, and a daily phone call.

Most importantly, be kind to yourself. Aim to accept your thoughts and feelings by being compassionate, complimentary, loving, and lenient.

Katie Anson, MA, LPC

Katie is bilingual (Spanish/English) and sees clients for individual therapy at The Awakening Center. She can be reached at (773) 929-6262 x23.

Reframing the Holidays

As a child, I never understood why everyone felt that the holidays were a stressful season. At that age, the holidays meant winter break from school, presents, and more time with friends and family. Now, as an adult, I understand why so many people feel stressed during the“most wonderful time of the year,” as the song goes.

An annual event, my clients and I often discuss the holidays, their plans and expectations, as well as past experiences and memories from holiday gatherings. When talking about particular situations, I listen to the words each individual uses to describe the experience or expectation. More often than not, these words carry negative connotations. As a therapist, I often try to work with my clients to reframe such situations by using different words to describe the same situation. Reframing aims to provide a more positive perspective on a situation. Take, for instance, the statement, “I endure the holidays.” The word endure implies hardship and putting up with unpleasantness. I am not saying that people don't encounter unpleasant people or situations during the holidays, but if you approach a situation using different, more positive language, it can help shift your thoughts to be more positive. For example, “I managed the holidays” has an entirely different meaning than “I endured the holidays.” While “endure” implies toleration of the holidays, the word “manage” means to succeed in accomplishing, often despite difficulty or hardship, and gives the speaker more of a sense of power over stressful holiday situations. These small shifts in language help alter people's perspectives.

An example of shifting perspectives can be found in the opening scenes of the movie Love Actually, where friends, family, and lovers are seen reuniting at the airport during the holiday season. Viewers are shown the scenes that make them feel warm and happy, however, we all know that there are probably just as many disgruntled travelers who are bedraggled from missed or delayed flights, and who appear less than thrilled to be arriving into an airport terminal. Yet those negative aspects of holiday travel aren't highlighted in this movie. We can do the same for ourselves by choosing to identify and highlight the enjoyable parts of the holidays, such as catching up with old friends, and reframing negative aspects that come hand in hand with the holiday season, such as crowds when shopping.

Working to reframe experiences and expectations is not easy, however, using more positive language and choosing to think about what we do like about the holidays will lead to more optimistic thoughts and enhanced experiences in general, especially around the holidays.

Katie Anson, MA, LPC
Katie is bilingual (Spanish/English) and sees clients for individual therapy at The Awakening Center. She can be reached at (773) 929-6262 x23.