Phoenix.

Written by an Awakening Center client who wishes to remain anonymous. We thank you for your vulnerability and admire your creativity.

I know what it’s like.

To run, to hide, and be full of shame, and you think you’re the only one to blame.

I know what it’s like, to hit rock bottom and spiral back into the pit of fire that you’ve been trying so hard to drag yourself out of.

You’re empty and cold.

You think that there’s nothing left, so you sink—deeper and deeper.

But soon, things won’t be the same. I can see it.

I know what it’s like, to crawl out of the embers, even as the walls get steeper and steeper.

The only choice that’s left is to pick yourself up, and watch as the fire dismembers.

The fire’s crying for your oxygen, but you’re finally breathing for yourself.

I know what it’s like, finally, to become a phoenix.

I’m renewed and I’m burning like a fire. I refuse to be consumed. I will no longer be misunderstood, misused, and abused.

So, trust me. I know what it’s like when I say that you too, can finally become a phoenix.

There’s fire in your eyes, waiting to escape. Let your wings be free.

Let your voice be heard.

Don’t let your heart be tamed in times of pain and tricks.

People are waiting to see the magic that has yet to unfold, because, you too, can become a phoenix. 

"Toxic Friendship": A Poem by HJ

It's hard to understand how an eating disorder takes hold--how seductive it can be. One of our clients has written the following poem that beautifully describes how this "toxic friend" works its way into the heart. She has graciously given us permission to share. Special thanks to HJ.

Toxic Friendship

Lower and lower,
Free-falling
Into the abyss
Without even knowing.
Power and control--
All corrupt.
That's how it starts.
It feeds on insecurity.
An insidious disease
That pretends
To be your friend.
Its gift is the needlepoint pillow:
"You can never be too rich
Or too thin."

People reach out
To keep you from falling--
But you push them away.
You don't need them,
You already have a friend.
And so it goes,
This game of numbers.

One day you get up
Only to fall down.
The game is no longer fun.
So you grasp the hands
Reaching out to you--
As you realize
It was never your friend

TAC Book Review: Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi

(2010 ISBN 9781439177785 Publisher Atria Books)

 By Nancy Hall, MA, NCC, LPC

The first time I saw Portia de Rossi was on the TV show “Ally McBeal.” Wildly popular in the late 1990s and early 2000s, I never really got into it. None of the characters seemed real to me—everyone was kind of cartoonish. The addition of Portia de Rossi to the cast apparently sent shockwaves into the series. She played Nelle, a buttoned-up ice queen with her blonde hair squeezed up in a tight bun. But Nelle evolved and showed her sexier side, modeling underwear and freeing her tightly bound golden locks.

What viewers didn’t see was de Rossi’s off-screen suffering. Her anxiety about appearing on TV in just a bra and panties. Her panic about not fitting into the wardrobe provided. Unbearable Lightness reveals a life of struggles—from the loss of her father, to her battle with eating disorders, and shame over her sexual identity.

De Rossi’s memoir does not shield the readers from the details of her eating disorder behaviors. She graphically describes binges and purges. She talks candidly about her quest to eat as few calories as possible and her compensatory behaviors to offset what she did consume. This book is not for the squeamish or the easily triggered.

Eating disorder behavior is very isolating and shame-filled. Sufferers engage alone and then describe feeling “disgusting,” “ashamed,” “mortified,” and so forth. Because of de Rossi’s willingness to spell out it alarming detail the specifics of her behaviors, she confronts that shame and rejects isolation. It’s like she’s telling her readers, hey, I know what you do in the darkness and you’re not alone. I’ve done it too. It’s going to be OK.

As we so often tell our clients, eating disorders are not about food, exercise, and weight. And de Rossi’s story illustrates that as well. As a young adult, she knew she was a lesbian. But she could not come out and tried to bury her identity. Then, once she became famous in the U.S., she felt even more pressure to hide her true self. And this shame—this sense of feeling flawed and unnatural—provided fuel to the eating disorder fire.

Unbearable Lightness describes de Rossi’s eating disorder, but the real story is in how she connected with her true self—the person she was born to be. Through that exploration, she has been able to recover and find peace.

I recommend Unbearable Lightness if you are solid in your recovery. As noted earlier, the details could be triggering. If you’re just starting your journey, then perhaps you could read (or listen to the audiobook) with your therapist or support group.

Crisply written, de Rossi’s candor is oddly shocking and reassuring. She has crafted a memoir that offers hope without easy answers, inspiration without quick fixes.

Keep reading!

If you're interested in purchasing this book, visit Women and Children First Bookstore's website for details on how to order. A phenomenal Chicago independent bookstore, since 1979, W&CF has been been a great place to explore books from local writers, feminists, LGBT authors, and political activists. Their selection of children's books is unparalleled.  Next time you're in Chicago, head on up to Andersonville and tell them the staff at The Awakening Center sent you!

Nancy is a Staff Therapist at The Awakening Center. She sees clients individually and facilitates the DBT group, two meditation groups, and an ED therapy group. You can reach her at 773.929.6262 ext. 17 or at nancyhalltac@gmail.com.

Sowing the Seeds of Recovery

By Nancy Hall, MA, NCC, LPC

Gardening can be both extremely satisfying and utterly maddening. Seeds are sown with boundless hope. Sprouts are celebrated, nurtured, and tended. Exhaustive reading and research reveals how much sun is needed, when to water, when to transplant, how to protect against pests, when/if to fertilize. We can do everything according to the best gardening guides…and come up with nothing.

So why do we bother? Because we also might be rewarded with a bounty—herbs, berries, vegetables. So much, that we end up calling friends and family members: “Do you guys want some tomatoes?” “How about some cucumbers?” We then turn our researching skills to canning and preserves.

Even when our harvest is disappointing, though, gardening provides us with a chance to engage with our surroundings in a different way. The smell of the soil. The feeling of the soft earth. The tender way we handle seedlings.

Gardening can also help us learn to let go of expectations and control. We have to find satisfaction in each step along the way. We learn to tolerate disappointment and frustration. We also learn to receive and trust joy and satisfaction when efforts are rewarded.

The Awakening Center is starting a gardening group to help participants address their eating disorder recovery in an experiential and symbolic way. Each group session will center on a recovery theme that relates to the stage of our plants. For example, in our first meeting we will prepare our pots for planting. As we paint our pots, we will discuss what it means in our recovery to create a safe space for ourselves.

Other themes will include setting physical and emotional boundaries, nurturing our plants and ourselves, flexibility and patience as our plants and our recovery grows, and connection to the earth and to others. Through these topics, we hope to tap into meaningful processing and skill building.

If you’d like to join this group or if you want more information, you can contact Sheana Tobey at stobey@my.adler.edu.

What is Recovery? Part 1

by Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

I am often asked by my clients, “Is an eating disorder a lifelong illness? Will I ever be better? Will I ever stop thinking about food, eating and weight?”

When I first started my recovery from eating disorders more than 30 years ago, I read everything I could get on the subject. Often, I came across the opinion that eating disorders were lifelong illnesses that could only be controlled and not cured. I went to a 12-step support group that preached that I was ill and would have this illness for the rest of my life; my only hope was lifelong abstinence. This made me feel hopeless and I would think, “Well why bother even trying to recover if I am going to have this for the rest of my life?”

(I have to admit that I didn’t meet another person who had recovered from an eating disorder for several years after I started my struggle to recover. The whole time there was a nagging feeling that I was trying to buck the odds.)

There are two halves to recovery: one half represents making peace with food, eating, weight and the body; the other half represents finding your Self and making peace with your Parts. Having completely recovered from my eating disorder, I can now say that it is possible to recover fully if (and this is a big “IF”) the underlying issues that caused the eating disorder to begin with are addressed and resolved through therapy.

Now there’s the hurdle! Some people get to the point where their food is under “control” and decide that they are recovered, even though they have to “control” it each and every day. They may or may not be aware of some vague feeling of not being at ease with themselves: inner emptiness; lack of sense of identity (“Who am I?”); a feeling of being directionless and lost in life; unresolved anger, anxiety, depression; or a deep unrelenting loneliness and despair that they cover up with their new “control” over food. If one considers this to be “recovered” then yes, eating disorders are lifelong illnesses.

If you fix only one half of your recovery--the eating, food, and weight half--then you will always be tense, on edge, rigid, strained, and uncomfortable. Eating will always be a struggle. To feel what I mean, put your hands together so that your fingertips are touching and your fingers are curved, like you are holding a large softball. (See Figure 1-1.) Pay attention to how this feels. How long could you hold your hands like this? Most people find it comfortable, fairly easy to do. Both hands can relax because they support each other.

Figure 1-1

Now, keeping your left hand in the same curved position, take the right hand away (Figure 1-2). Now what do you notice? Without the support of the right hand, your left hand must tense to keep its position. The fingers may start to shake. Are you feeling pressure in your hand or wrist? Tingling? It would be uncomfortable to hold your hand like this for too long.

Figure 1-2

Bring your hands back together again (Figure 1-3). Notice what happens. The left hand instantly relaxes. It becomes easy again because the two hands balance and support each other.

Figure 1-3

The same is true with the two halves of recovery. If you only fix the eating, food, and weight half, you will be tense and uncomfortable. When your Self and your Parts are at peace then eating, food, and weight can be easy and in balance as well. You need both halves of recovery to relax and feel complete.

“But what about relapsing? Don’t I have to be constantly on the lookout for relapsing? Aren’t I at risk for a relapse if something ‘bad’ happens to me?” Well, that’s a good question and one that again does not have a definite answer. Sometimes I compare having an eating disorder to having a broken leg. If I broke my leg I would have a cast put on it until it healed. At that point the cast would be taken off; the bone would be healed. However if the weather was bad, the bone may ache, but I certainly would not put another cast on it. I would probably just be gentle with it, and take care of it.

Because I have discovered my Self and my Parts are at peace, I consider myself totally recovered from my eating disorder. I do not have to think about my food or eating to maintain my weight. If I find myself thinking about these things, I consider it a red flag and I stop and think to myself, “What needs taking care of that I am not taking care of?”

These food thoughts are a friendly reminder that I am not tending to myself. But because I have learned healthy new ways to cope with life’s ups and downs, I care for myself on a regular basis and so food thoughts are rare. Just like my analogy of the broken leg, there are times when the “weather is bad,” and I have to be gentle with myself. I keep a lookout for what I need and find ways to take care of my needs. But I don’t put the “cast” back on and say I have an eating disorder!

“Have you ever been tempted to revert back to old behaviors?” Well to be perfectly honest yes. Since my recovery I have had fleeting thoughts, but I have not acted on them nor have I wanted to. Even when something terrible happened to me, it was not a struggle to maintain my recovery. Why? Because the underlying issues that caused my eating disorder have been resolved. Inside I no longer feel like the same person I was when I had the eating disorder.

In therapy, if you take a good hard look at what those underlying issues are all about and learn to endure the scariness, discomfort, and anguish of resolving these feelings, then you do not have to use food to cover up these issues. Food becomes, well, food, a non-issue. Food becomes something you eat to fuel your body, nothing more and nothing less. You can enjoy food and eating without being wracked with guilt and self-hatred afterwards. You can eat when you are hungry, eat what you are hungry for, and stop when you are no longer hungry. If one considers this to be recovered then no, eating disorders are not lifelong illnesses.

I will leave it up to you as to whether you consider this a lifelong illness or not. Because ultimately it is up to you as to how far you are willing to take your own recovery. Are you going to stop when your eating is under “control,” or are you going to find the courage to continue until you find your Self and all of the underlying issues are resolved? That will then give you the answer.

If you have comments or questions about this article I would love to hear from you--please make a comment below.

Next week, I’ll write more about the two halves of recovery.

Peacefully,

Amy

*My thanks to Danielle Meyer, MA in Art Therapy, who posed for these pictures.

Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC is the Founder and Director of The Awakening Center, which celebrated its 20th anniversary last year. She can be reached at (773) 929-6262 x11 or awakeningcenter@aol.com

What Does It Mean to Be Recovered?

By Michel Harris, MS, RD, LDN, CDE

With most illnesses, a person is recovered once their symptoms have resolved. However, with eating disorders, it's not this simple.

For safety reasons, many of the medical symptoms associated with eating disorders must be resolved prior to discharge from an in-patient program. However, even though discharge criteria has been achieved, there is still a lot of work to do. All types of eating disorders are composed of an accumulation of misguided beliefs and behaviors associated with food. In most cases, one has suffered with his or her disorder for years, so it stands to reason that a few months of intense therapy before transitioning to out-patient treatment is not enough time to change all of these beliefs and behaviors.

There are several opinions and science-based definitions as to what it means to be "recovered" from an eating disorder. The results of research studies can rarely be applied to a whole population, and this concept applies to our definitions of recovery; they do not apply to every single person with an eating disorder.

So the question still remains: what does it mean to be recovered? Overt signs include:

Being able to accomplish daily tasks and be productive without obsessive thoughts about food
Going to a restaurant and ordering what he or she really wants, not the item that is the healthiest or safest. Exercising without the main goal being weight loss

I can go on and on, but you get the picture. Each person's recovered state is individualized, and a major portion of out-patient therapy is spent exploring and identifying what that means. Some behaviors that are considered disordered for one client may not be so for another. A good example is food choices. A few years ago, I worked with a client who questioned whether she was recovered because she still did not eat desserts. Further probing revealed that prior to her disorder, she did not have a sweet tooth, but she did enjoy savory snacks. Since she was able to enjoy the savory snacks (among other factors), we concluded that yes, she was recovered. However, the client who enjoyed cheesecake before the onset of the eating disorder and still experiences anxiety when trying to eat a small slice is still in the process of recovery.

You might feel frustrated because I have not provided conclusive and specific criteria for what the "recovered" mean; but each client has his or her own unique recovered state that must be patiently pursued with the help of the treatment team.

One last thought. The surfacing of an eating disorder thought or behavior that had been dormant for years does not indicate a relapse. Remember, years of disordered eating–related thoughts and behaviors can be reversed but are likely to surface on occasion. The recovered person is able to acknowledge when this happens and apply coping mechanisms to resolve the issue.

The important point here is that although it might emerge differently for everyone, full recovery is possible. So go for it!

Michel Harris is the nutritionist at The Awakening Center and believes in the mindful approach to develop a peaceful relationship with food and exercise in the recovery process of eating disorders.

Celebrating Our 20th Year!

In celebration of The Awakening Center’s 20^th year, let’s take a look back at how the practice got started and how it’s grown over the decades.

            In 1994, Amy Grabowski, LCPC, ATR, worried about a trend she saw in the Chicago area. Hospital eating disorder programs were shutting down, and as a practicing therapist, she was concerned about the lack of resources for clients. Amy was in recovery herself and felt tremendous gratitude for the lifesaving care she had received. Her goal was to pay it forward, but her options became limited as community resources were scarce. At that point, Amy decided to do something about the shortage of services, and in September 1994, The Awakening Center was born.

            Inspired by Eastern philosophy, Amy wanted to create a therapeutic environment where clients could experience an awakening to their true selves. Amy opened a practice with a space that allowed for individual and group therapy, and she quickly added a nutritionist and other therapists who could complement her work. What she lacked in business acumen she made up for in passion. Her mission was clear—provide quality services to people struggling with eating disorders.

            However, eating disorders do not exist in a vacuum and are often accompanied—or even triggered—by anxiety, depression, trauma, and other stressors or conditions. Additionally, the clients struggling with anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder were no longer middle class, white, young women. Eating disorders had seeped into other communities, and Amy and her team had to learn about the dynamics involved in treating men, members of the LGBTQ community, and culturally diverse clients.

            As the need for services increased, in 2007, The Awakening Center had quite a growth spurt. Amy hired additional staff, including a yoga therapist with more than 20 years’ experience. Amy did not lose sight of her original mission though—to provide quality care to those struggling with eating disorders—and her experience taught her that the best way to do this was to take a holistic approach, which included body-centered work. The therapists who joined The Awakening Center have varied yet complementary points of view and approaches, reflecting the diverse makeup of the clients. While each therapist sees her own clients, they are still a team and seek advice and counsel from one another to provide the best services possible.

            The move to The Awakening Center’s current location in Lakeview also occurred in 2007. The building has been in the owner’s family for many years, and she treats it like an heirloom. Amy attributes much of The Awakening Center’s success to the positive energy in the building. The regard for and love of the physical space has permeated into the practice, and The Awakening Center has become Amy’s heirloom.

            The practice has continued to grow—more therapists have joined while others have moved on. The Awakening Center has become the crown jewel for graduate interns. Amy and her staff facilitate workshops in the community and at universities. The Awakening Center is represented at college health and wellness fairs.

            The team members continue to expand their knowledge and develop their individual skills. Amy likes to think of The Awakening Center’s staff as well-balanced orchestra. Each instrument adds depth and beauty to the whole without overshadowing the others. And like an orchestra that does not limit itself to only one particular type of work, The Awakening Center will continue to grow, embrace new challenges, and remain solidly rooted as a beacon of hope and reminder that recovery is possible. When it comes to treating eating disorders, anxiety, depression, or whatever brings someone through door, one size does not fit all. The Awakening Center’s staff will meet clients where they are and help them find their own awakening.

Written by Nancy Hall, MA. Nancy is the newest staff member to join The Awakening Center's team and will be hosting a meditation workshop on September 27. She will be starting a weekly meditation group October 21, 2014. To reserve a spot at the workshop, email nancyhalltac@gmail.com.

            

Catching the "Uh Oh's"

Catching the "Uh Oh's" 

Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

When "Lisa" came into my office I could tell she was very upset. "I don't know what happened. All of a sudden I started eating and I couldn't stop! I just can't control my eating. There must be something wrong with me. My body just can't handle food like normal people do. I need to watch everything I eat. I'm so scared to lose control like that."

Lisa's torment may sound familiar to you. I know that when I was in my eating disorder, I too described binges very similarly. I remember telling my therapist that it was like a wave that just came over me, out of the blue. I was sure that my body was somehow to blame.

Lisa's reaction is typical too. Since she can't figure out what brought on the binge to begin with, she can only try to fix what she is aware of: the food. But becoming more controlling with food and more restrictive in her eating doesn't work; it only makes the problem worse.

So if trying to control the food isn't the answer, if restricting her eating only makes it worse, then what is Lisa to do? Sometimes we have to admit that doing more of the same is not the answer, especially when it always results in the same outcome. In the words of Monty Python, "And now for something completely different.!"

Focusing our attention on what foods Lisa binges on is not helpful. Becoming aware of what happened before the binge is much more constructive. When a client comes to me and says she binged, I help her to understand that the binge is just an opportunity to learn about her self and to become aware of what is going on inside. Most women who have eating disorders are not very mindful of what is happening within themselves in the moment. Most of the time, they are ruminating about the past or worrying about the future. But the present moment is a blank, they are unaware of what they are experiencing in the moment.

To become aware of what led up to a binge I often will help a client "dissect" the binge. I ask them to talk about the 24 to 36 hours before the binge began. We try to recreate what happened in detail: who she interacted with, what she ate, what she was thinking, what she was feeling. I often ask clients, "When did you know you were going to binge? What was the first sign that you were headed for trouble?" Not surprisingly, the majority of the time, clients had an inkling of a sign in advance of the binge. I used to call these signs the "Uh Ohs".

Does this sound familiar? A tiny voice in the back of my head would be saying "uh oh something's wrong" hours before the binge even began. If I didn't pay attention, I would miss it. The voice would then just get louder, "Uh Oh! Something is definitely not OK." If I continued to ignore it or not pay attention it would turn into "UH OH! Do something quick!" But if my unawareness continued, it would soon be, " UH OH! Oh forget it! Too late! Let's eat!"

If my clients become more aware, more mindful they are more able to catch the "uh ohs" as soon as possible, when they are still very quiet voices. When the uh ohs are small, they can be handled more easily than if they are loud and extreme. When I described this to Lisa, she came up with a wonderful analogy that helped her to "see" what she needed to do. (And you know how I love analogies.)

She said bingeing was like going over a waterfall in a small boat. If she was far back upstream on the river and she paid attention to quiet signs (the sound of the waterfall, the mist of the waterfall in the distance, the acceleration of the current of the stream) she would become aware that "uh oh", there was a waterfall ahead. She would be able to paddle to shore to not go over the waterfall. If she was not paying attention or ignored the quiet signs, she would be closer to the waterfall and it may be hard for her to get to shore by herself. When she became aware that "Uh Oh!" there's a waterfall ahead, she would have to ask for help from someone who could help her bring her boat to the shore. But if she still did not pay attention or continued to ignore the signs (which by the way are becoming ever louder and more apparent - UH OH!) she would be so close to the falls that it would be inevitable that she would go over - " UH OH , too late! Let's Eat!!!"

By dissecting a binge we learn what our "uh oh's" are for us: what emotions, relationships, feelings, body sensations, thoughts and events are likely to cause us distress and if not taken care of can trigger a binge. Let's go back and look at what Lisa was dealing with on the day before her binge.

At first Lisa focused on the food aspect of the binge. "I had such a craving for sweets and on my way home I kept fighting off the urge to pull into every convenience store. Finally I broke down and bought a huge bag of cookies and since I knew I was going to get rid of it, I bought some cake and ice cream too." I asked her to think of any associations to the sweets, what they meant to her at that particular day.

"Well, it could be that at a meeting at work today someone brought in a tray of sweets. I wouldn't let myself have one even though I really wanted one." I commented, "I think we just found an "uh oh". But I'm sure there's more to this."

Lisa reflected, "I was really hungry when I binged, because I hadn't eaten much that day. I usually only have coffee for breakfast and a salad for lunch." (Did you just hear another "uh oh"?)

"Tell me about how you were feeling during the day?" I asked. Lisa related, "For some reason, I was a bit on edge ("uh oh") and I'm not sure why. Nothing really happened at work." She had been at a meeting led by her supervisor with seven of her coworkers. She just happened to be the only female at the meeting. At one point in the meeting her supervisor asked Lisa to make some copies even though she was not sitting by the door. "As I maneuvered my way around everyone else's chair to get to the door, I was annoyed that he asked me, a female, to make the copies. The guys who were closer to the door know how to make copies. Why didn't he ask one of them? But I know I shouldn't let it bother me, it's such a little thing." ("UH OH!")

"But it did bother you," I prompted. Lisa's face lit up as she realized, "Yeah! I was mad and felt belittled by him! I tried to make myself feel superior by turning down the sweets in the meeting. But I kept yelling at myself for letting it bother me at all (UH OH!) !"

"Is this the first time something like this has happened at work?" I asked.

"Oh no. He does things like this all the time at work. I tried to talk to him about it, but he dismissed my concerns," she replied. Her face became downcast as she realized, "I think I'm going to have to find a new job and I'm scared."

"Lisa, I think we found the biggest UH OH of them all."

As you can see by this example, if Lisa just focused on the cookies she would be missing what really was wrong. She learned how to pick up subtle signals that she was experiencing an emotion that she needed to deal with. Eventually with practice she became more mindful of her internal reactions to what was going on around her. She started making connections between these reactions and feelings and her cravings for binges. Working hard over time, she was able to learn how to handle these events without resorting to food.

Putting Recovery in Your Own Hands

Putting Recovery on Your Hands
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

If you don't count calories, exercise or focus on your appearance, what do you do? How does one actually recover? You can't just go out and buy a "self". Many years ago a client asked me to come up with my top 10 recovery tips "a la David Letterman". When I describe total recovery to a client I use the ten fingers to illustrate needing both halves to recover fully. Each finger represents a different aspect needed for recovery.

The first five points, the fingers on the left hand, will sound very familiar and you may have a reaction very similar to Maureen, "When I read all this stuff about eating when you're hungry, I want to scream! If I could eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full I wouldn't need the book! I have no idea anymore when I'm hungry and I'm petrified if I let myself eat what I want because I won't be able to stop. I just don't have that kind of trust in my body. After so many years of denying my hunger, I don't even know what hunger is anymore. I haven't a clue what genuine fullness feels like either. The whole relearning to eat experience is very frightening!"

I assure you that I know what you are talking about, when I was in the depths of my eating disorder I probably was more able to sprout wings and fly than eat normally. And that's the point I am trying to make, you need the second half before you can do the first. So that is why I am writing the second half of the book, the sense of Self half, first. Because you have to resolve these issues first, otherwise your eating will always be tense. When you have a sense of Self, the eating half can relax and fall into place.

Other people have the opposite reaction. As Michelle put it, "When I hear 'Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full' I have mixed feelings. My initial thought is "Yea right, as if it's that simple!". But, in the same token it's very comforting because it is that simple. It all comes down to learning to listen to my body. As challenging as that can be in the grip of an eating disorder, it really does become simple upon recovery." I want to point out that simple is not the same as easy. At times, simple instructions can elicit feelings of guilt, fear, shame, and failure– "Why can't I just stop this?!" Our inner critic reminds us what we "should" eat and then yells at us when we can't do it. This is because it doesn't acknowledge that the eating is a symptom of the deeper problem. As long as the deeper problem remains, eating will be a battleground.

So hang in there reading through points one through five because I assure you that in future chapters you will learn how to do points six through ten. But if you feel like Maureen and have to skip ahead, I understand.

Starting with the food, eating, weight and body hand, the thumb represents "I eat when I am hungry". (See I told you that it would sound familiar…) That's the shorthand version. But it's much deeper than that. When we analyze it, this point implies that you are able to slow down enough to listen to your body and recognizing your body's signals for hunger. These signals are different for everybody, for every body. These signals are going to be different for every situation, for every day. It also suggests being comfortable with having hunger, with your body's nutritional needs, and allowing yourself to eat each and every time your body becomes hungry. 

The second finger represents "I eat a wide variety of foods." This means that you are able to ask your body what it wants to eat, and then choose foods that would be a good match for what your body asked for. You are also able to give yourself permission to choose from any food at all. All foods are equal, there are no "bad" foods and there are no "good" foods.

The third finger represents, "I stop when I am full." You already have heard this one – it's the one that makes everyone say, "I can't do it! I just can't stop eating once I start. I have no control! That's why I have to monitor myself so closely." In a way this sounds harder than it is. I want to reiterate that if you only work on the food half then this aspect will always be a struggle. Stopping when you are full implies that you are able to slow down your eating and listen to your body's signals for fullness. Also, you need to eat mindfully, eating in ways that heighten your feelings of satisfaction. Consistently clients have found that being satisfied is more important than being full.

If the third point sounds harder than it is, then the fourth point "I forget about it afterwards and get on with my life!" is harder than it sounds. "Normal" eaters don't think about what they've eaten, even if they've eaten too much. They may rub their stomachs and moan, "Oh I ate too much!" But then they go cut the grass, work on the computer, whatever. How are they able to do this? They have what I call body trust. They know their body, they know that their body will digest whatever they've eaten and eventually get back to hunger again. If they have overeaten, they know that it just takes longer for their body to get back to hunger. And while they are waiting to get back to hunger, they don't think about it, they don't beat themselves up! You too, can learn how to trust your body.

The last point on this hand is a big job for such a small finger. The pinky finger represents "I accept, love and appropriately move the body I was given genetically". I feel that this is such a large aspect of recovery that I have devoted a whole section of the book to it. This is very difficult to do in our society where we are constantly bombarded with messages that no matter what you look like, it isn't good enough. Our culture is working towards acceptance of diversity of race, ethnicity, and color. But it still does not accept that people come in a wide variety of body types and sizes.

This aspect of recovery means living outside of societal norms. It means refusing to listen to messages about what your body "should" look like. It means stopping every negative thought about your body and learning to accept it as it is. When we can learn to listen to our body's signals for hunger and fullness, we also start to hear its signals for movement and rest. My clients are often surprised at how often their bodies want to move, to dance, jump, skip, swim. When they stop and listen to their bodies, they may become aware of "antsy–ness" when they are zoning out in front of the TV. They also learn to respect the body's need for rest and rejuvenation. 

Okay for those of you who skipped ahead you can start reading now. The second half, the right hand is symbolizes the primary issues to work on, the ones that if lacking make the other half always tense. These next five points are what I consider the essential emotional and spiritual aspects of recovery.

The thumb of the right hand represents "I know who I am". The tag line for The Awakening Center is "Discover who you were meant to be." This is the sense of Self I mentioned earlier. In the next chapter I will describe this sense of Self in depth, but briefly it is a deep–seated calm feeling of personal strength that is always with you, no matter what.

The next finger is "I like who I am". This means being at peace with all your various parts. Living each day in harmony and cooperation with your Self. I often say to my clients that the most important part of recovery is answering two questions "Who am I?" and "Am I OK?" Once you have the answer to the first question, you realize the answer to the second one is, "Yes". Since all babies are born pure and innocent, the answer is always, "Yes". But you have to come to that answer yourself.

The third finger on this hand represents: "I have a direction and a purpose for my life". This point is about finding meaning in one's life. Being able to put life in perspective, knowing what is important and what really is trivial. Learning to live life with our values and ethics in a fulfilling manner.

The ring finger is "I have the confidence and the tools to get there". Having a direction and purpose isn't enough, because life isn't always going to cooperate. Sometimes it will and things will fall right into our laps. But many times we really have to work for something. This point includes learning coping mechanisms, tools, skills and resources that we may not have learned when we were younger.

Again the last finger has such a big job "I have healthy relationships". This point is about learning to relate to others through your Self and relating in a way that brings out the Self in others as well. If the person can only relate through their parts, it means that you stay in your Self as much as possible anyway. Being able to connect to others, both give and take, in a meaningful and reciprocal way.

I think of the two halves complimenting each other like a three dimensional yin–yang. Just like the two hands, when we put all the points of the two halves together our life can be at peace. Every once in a while you have to work on something, to take care of problems. Afterwards life becomes calm again.

So you can see the answer lies in finding your Self. I encourage you to keep reading and "Discover who you were meant to be."

Amy Grabowski

Recovered? What's That!

"Recovered? What's That!"
Amy Grabowski

When I introduce myself as leader of the ANAD group, I say that I have recovered from eating disorders. I often get the same reaction from the new members in the group: "Is it possible to recover fully? How do you know when you are recovered? You don't think about food all the time!"

Total recovery to me means that food, eating, and weight eventually become "non-issues". I tell my clients that we have to take the "power" out of food and turn it back into, well, food. Total recovery means being able to eat without feeling guilt, remorse, despair, panic, self-hatred, etc. After I eat I forget about it! It becomes a non-issue! I can get on with the rest of my life.

At this point I usually get quizzical looks: "You mean you can eat ice cream or pizza and not feel bad afterwards? That's fine for you, but I can't stop eating! I can't have those foods." Part of the recovery process involves learning how to eat like a "normal eater". Normal eaters eat foods like ice cream and pizza. Normal eaters eat three meals and a snack or two a day. Normal eaters eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full - most of the time. Normal eaters do not panic at the sight of pizza!

When I was in college there was a woman in my class who would bring a slice of left-over pizza for lunch every Tuesday. This truly amazed me at the time, because the words "left-over" and "pizza" never went together in my vocabulary before! And she brought it EVERY Tuesday! I got up my courage and as nonchalantly as I could I asked her about it - how could she have pizza every Tuesday and feel OK about it? She told me that she and her husband had pizza every Monday night and always had left-overs for the next day. At the time I wondered how she could "control" herself having pizza so often. She explained that since she knew she was going to have pizza on Monday and the next and the next… it was no big deal! She had taken the power out of the pizza and turned it back into, well, food.

This story illustrates that when we give ourselves "true permission" to have a food, we do not have to "control" it. Total recovery involves learning how to give ourselves "true permission": "Yes I can have that and I can have it again too". This is opposed to "sort of permission": "Well, OK, I'll have it this one time, but never again!" (You know the consequence of "sort of permission": "Since I can never have it again, I better eat it all and then some!") The consequence of "true permission" is that we do not feel deprived and can trust that there will always be enough and that we will always be able to get our share.

How do we learn how to give ourselves "true permission"? Everyone is going to come up with their own solution to this. One approach is to buy food in such large quantities that you could not possibly eat it all. This can be expensive and very very scary. Another way is to start by allowing yourself one "treat" a day. I, myself, took the middle road by starting with a scary food: peanut butter. I decided one day that if I wanted peanut butter I was going to have peanut butter! I had peanut butter for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. On the first day, I just relished it like a greedy little child! On the second day, I found that I could relax a bit and get in touch with the taste and texture. The third day, I still liked it but the enjoyment was beginning to wear off. On the fourth day, I ate it but did not really want it. By the fifth day, I rebelled and refused to eat it! I craved a salad! I couldn't believe it! To see peanut butter and think, "No, thanks." Peanut butter had been turned back into, well, food!
This wasn't a freak occurrence. I have repeated this experiment with my clients and most have found that by the fifth day of "true permission" they no longer need to "control" the food. When food is, well, food you can eat it and enjoy it. You can stop eating when you are satisfied and forget about it. It takes a lot less food to satisfy you when you know that you can eat again in a while, when you are hungry. You can get on with the rest of your life.

Amy Grabowski

Recovered? What's That?

Recovered? What’s That? Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

In the eating disorder support group I often say that I have recovered from the spectrum of eating disorders. I am often asked “Aren’t these lifelong illnesses? Is it possible to recover? Will I ever stop worrying about food, eating and weight?”

When I first started to acknowledge that I had an eating disorder, I read everything I found on the subject. I often came across the opinion that eating disorders were lifelong illnesses that could only be controlled and not cured. I went to a 12-step support group which preached to me that I was ill and would have this illness for the rest of the my life. The best one could hope for was lifelong abstinence. This made me feel hopeless. I thought “Well, why even bother trying, if I am going to have this forever.”

Having completely recovered from my eating disorders, I can now say that it is possible to recover fully IF (and its a big “if”) the underlying issues that caused the eating disorder are addressed and resolved.

Now that’s the rub! Some people get to the point where their food is under “control” and decide that they are recovered, even though they have to “control” it every day. They may or may not be aware of some vague feeling of not being completely at ease with themselves: inner emptiness, lack of sense of identity (who am I?), unresolved anger, etc., which they cover up with their new “control” over food. If one considers this to be recovered, then yes, eating disorders are lifelong illnesses.

If, on the other hand, you take a good hard look at what those inner feelings are all about, endure the scariness, pain and anguish of resolving these feelings, then you do not have to use food to cover up these issues. Food then becomes, well, food, something you eat to fuel your body. You can enjoy food and eating, but are not wracked with guilt and self-hatred afterwards. You can eat when you are hungry, eat what you are hungry for, and stop when you are no longer hungry. If one considers this to be recovered, then I do not believe eating disorders to be lifelong.

“But what about relapsing? Don’t I have to be constantly on the lookout for relapsing? What if something “bad” happens to me?” 

I often compare having an eating disorder to having a broken leg. If I broke my leg I would have a cast put on it until it healed. At that point  the cast would be taken off. The bone would be healed, but it would not be as strong as it was before. The bone would be at risk for being broken  again. If the weather was bad, the bone may ache but I certainly would not put another cast on it! I would probably just be gentle with it, and take care of it.

I consider myself totally recovered from my eating disorder: I do not have to think about my food/eating/ weight in order to maintain the weight I am at. If I find myself thinking about these things, then I consider it a “red flag of warning”. I stop and think about what needs am I not taking care of. 

These food thoughts are a “friendly” reminder that I am not tending to business. But because I have learned healthy new ways to cope with life’s  ups and downs, I take care of myself on a regular basis and so food thoughts are rare.

Just like my analogy of the broken leg, there are times when the “weather is bad” in my life, and I have to be “gentle” with myself. I keep a lookout  for what I need and find ways to take care of my needs. But I don’t put the “cast” back on and say I have an eating disorder!

Have I ever been tempted to revert back to old behaviors? Yes, I have had food thoughts but have not wanted to act on them. Even when something terrible happened to me, it was not a struggle to maintain my recovery. Why?

Because the underlying issues have been resolved. Inside I no longer feel like the same person I was before I had the eating disorders.

I will leave it up to you as to whether you consider this a lifelong illness or not. Because ultimately it is up to you as to how far you are willing to take your own recovery. That will then give you your answer.

In the next newsletter I will discuss some underlying issues that need to be addressed for recovery.

Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

EDA or OA: Which is right for you?

Eating Disorders Anonymous (EDA) or Overeaters Anonymous (OA): Which is right for you?

EDA and OA are very different programs, and it seems as though many people do not know the differences between the groups.

Deandra Christianson

Similarities:

Both programs are based on the Twelve Step and Twelve Tradition Program that originated in the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) program. The programs are funded through the voluntary contributions of the members. Also, they seek to create a place of support for individuals with eating disorders that they may not feel alone. Though we are all unique, there are other people who are sharing similar experiences. There is no religious affiliation with either organization, and the spiritual values endorsed by the programs are to be interpreted by each individual, if they so choose.

Differences:

The biggest difference between EDA and OA are the views of recovery.

“Our primary purpose is to abstain from compulsive overeating and to carry this message of recovery to those who still suffer.” –OA

OA believes that an individual with always have an eating disorder. An individual must abstain from certain behaviors or food and is always in recovery. Compulsive eating is seen in OA as a ‘progressive illness.’ OA emphasizes an ‘action plan’ for individuals in the program. This is a plan surrounding food and behaviors to help a person abstain from his/her patterns of overeating. The group focuses on the spiritual, physical, and emotional impacts of overeating and stresses health in all three of these areas.

“Our primary purpose is to recover from our eating disorders and to carry this message of recovery to others with eating disorders.” –EDA

EDA believes that an individual with an eating disorder can recover completely. The organization does not endorse any rules or rigidity around food. It is believed in EDA that the behaviors were due to emotional distress that was expressed through food. EDA strives to help individuals learn safe and effective coping skills. The program’s goal is balance and not abstinence.

To find more information about:

Overeaters Anonymous (OA), go to www.OA.org

Eating Disorders Anonymous (EDA), go to www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org

At The Awakening Center, we have an Eating Disorders Anonymous program on Wednesday nights from 7:45pm-9:00pm. 

Pick Yourself Up, Dust Yourself Off, Start All Over Again

Pick Yourself Up, Dust Yourself Off, Start All Over Again

"Nothing's impossible I have found, for when my chin is on the ground, I pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again" (Lyrics by: Dorothy Fields / Music by: Jerome Kern).

On the path to recovery, to a greater understanding of oneself, or even just an improved outlook – it can be tempting to beat oneself up whenever life throws a curveball and a moment or a day or a week occurs that makes you feel like you have messed it all up.  It can sometimes feel like you have to press the reset button on all of your progress, and that nothing you accomplished before that difficult moment counts anymore.  I know I have struggled with this concept.  I felt that if my recovery or my plans for self-improvement weren’t just perfect, that I either wasn’t doing it right or I was just a failure.  I was living in this black and white world where there wasn’t room for progress, only “perfection”.  Then one day I was introduced to two concepts that actually made me pause and reflect on how I was approaching my life.  I was told that I couldn’t push the river, it was simply going to flow as it needed to.  I was also told that if I did find my “chin on the ground”, to be a gentle cop; meaning to acknowledge that perhaps I had experienced something difficult, and perhaps didn’t make the best decision in the moment, but that I didn’t have to beat myself up so badly that I couldn’t even get up again.  I could love myself, understand that I’m human, and just get back up again and continue down my path.  As I adopted these thought patterns and practiced them, I found that I did indeed become more gentle with myself, and over time I actually stopped perceiving myself to be on the ground so much.  It just felt like life, and I was walking down my path with a greater feeling of Self-love and Self-acceptance.  If you find yourself in a moment with your chin on the ground, perhaps you can practice pausing, remembering you can’t push that river of Life, and gently remind yourself that it’s OK, you’ve still accomplished so much, and you are experiencing your journey and your recovery exactly the right way for you.  You don’t even have to start all over again – you simply pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep moving onward.