Waiting for the Life You Envision

Growing up, I had a general timeline in mind – a vision of what I assumed my life would look like as I aged and how I would feel over the course of the years. I imagined going to college, meeting life-long friends and making memories, working my dream job, falling in love with “The One,” and eventually having a family. I thought that this would all happen in an orderly manner, similar to the predictability of a Disney movie storyline.

As a teenager, I reasoned that an event would occur, such as going to college, which would effectively signal the start of my personal Disney storyline. I recall being in high school and seeing college kids who had returned home for the holidays. They seemed so much older and wiser. However, when I went off to college, I pretty much felt the same as I had in high school. Since college didn’t seem to be the event that triggered the start of my timeline, I suspected that graduation would signal the start of my Disney story. Again, I didn’t feel much difference having earned a bachelor’s degree and I certainly didn’t feel like I was following my timeline.

Shortly thereafter, I was reflecting on the numerous events that had taken place in my life that I had not envisioned as part of my timeline and I realized that while I was waiting for my storyline to begin, my life was already happening. My timeline had begun a long time ago, but I’d had difficulty recognizing this because my life wasn’t exactly how I’d envisioned it would be. With this new understanding, I was able let go of my preexisting timeline and I became much more accepting of the path that my life had taken. I had been so preoccupied by the milestones on my timeline that had yet to occur that I’d completely disregarded the events that had happened, such as going to college. Since I spent so much time waiting for my timeline to begin and a lot of time thinking about what hadn’t happened, I wasn’t focused on what was currently going on in my life. I’ve found that focusing on and staying present takes practice.

With the beginning of a new year, I encourage you to reflect back on all that’s taken place during the prior twelve months. Note the twists and turns that veered far from the familiarity and safety of any preexisting timeline. Think about events that did not meet your expectations. Without judging yourself and your decisions, contemplate what you might have done differently. Then, let stressful incidents melt into your memory and appreciate each as a learning experience. Try, also, to let go of any preconceived notions for the New Year. Instead of dwelling on the past or waiting for the future, focus on appreciating where you are currently. This will allow for greater understanding and acceptance of where your unique path has brought you up to this very point in time.

Warmly,

Katherine Anson, MA, LPC

Road Trip, Anyone?

Many people have an activity or a ritual that they find relaxing, therapeutic, etc. This could be anything from sitting in a bubble bath to sky diving. Recently a friend of mine mentioned that she had engaged in an activity that she found surprisingly relaxing: a good old fashioned road trip. She said, “It felt as good as going to therapy!” With the tough economic times and the holidays around the corner, this year many people are traveling by car to see loved ones. The hustle and bustle of the holidays can be chaotic, but that does not mean the journey to your holiday destination also has to be stressful. Below are some ideas on how to make that holiday road trip a more enjoyable one.

As In Life, Know Your Destination (Keep it Attainable)

I know a couple who are both teachers and they enjoy camping. Every summer they pack up their car and set out to an undetermined destination. They bring their gear and an atlas and set out on the open road wondering where their next stop will be. I think this couple’s story is a unique case, one that may give some people anxiety or make another person very happy. One variable this couple has in their favor is time. I would imagine many people have a limited amount of time on how long they can travel for the holidays. They would like to make the most of their winter break. With that being the case, before setting out for a road trip it is best to know the destination and how to get there. If the destination and the route are pre-determined, it will help alleviate some stress while traveling. As in life, deciding what the goal is can be the first step in determining which “road” to take. The more tools a person has (an atlas, GPS, directions, etc) the less chance they have of getting lost. If there is a detour in the road, he/she will be better prepared to continue on his/her journey .This can also be similar in life, when setting out to complete a goal it can be easier to achieve if a person has the “tools” of a strong support system, a relaxed state of mind, etc. to help meet his/her goal.

Keeping a road trip destination attainable was a subject my husband and I learned early on in our relationship. We realized our average limit of being in the car together was three hours although since then it has been stretched to eight to ten hours depending on how exciting the destination is (i.e., Yankee Stadium, Grand Canyon). There have been times starting out on a road trip where my excitement clouds my thinking into believing sixteen hours in the car is possible for one day. On the other hand, there are some road warriors out there who may not think twice about being in the car for half the day. This philosophy can also be applied when it comes to setting life goals; sometimes breaking down a long term goals into a handful of short term goals feels more realistic and less overwhelming. My point is to know what feels reasonable and comfortable for the length of the road trip destination to avoid burn out before you reach your halfway point. (Some people spend half their day in the car and the idea of a road trip sounds dreadful, this is when we are thankful for airplanes). I have discovered the more excited I am about a trip the longer I may feel comfortable in the car. The comfort of a road trip may also depend on the company with you in the car.

Travel Companions: Friends or Foes?

My friend (who I mentioned at the beginning of this post) said one of the reasons her road trip was an enjoyable one was because of who was with her in her car: her boyfriend of five years. She said the last few weeks before the road trip were really busy for her because she finishing up graduate school. She and her boyfriend had hardly seen each other. The road trip gave them a chance to really talk without any distractions; the hardest decision of the day was picking out an audio CD. This is an example of how a road trip can help you escape the monotony of everyday life and spend quality time with loved ones.

Not everyone has experienced pleasant road trips; I have heard some traveling horror stories (i.e. driving in a packed mini van with the in-laws during a snowstorm). Travel vehicles are tight quarters and they may seem even smaller when traveling with a less than ideal companion. This flashes me back to a time when my family and I were taking a road trip to Myrtle Beach. Before we were even out of the driveway, my sister and I “drew” an imaginary line down the middle of the back seat to “mark” the territory the other person could not cross. Am I suggesting the next time you are on road trip with your mother-in-law you tell her she cannot cross over the middle seat? No. It may be nice to be accommodating to all travelers (including yourself). Try taking turns being co-pilot, choosing radio stations, picking lunch spots, etc. This may improve the less than ideal travel conditions if everyone can pick something they find comforting while in the car. You may find yourself in a similar situation in life, working with people you do not particular care for or family members that drive you nuts. This is an example of trying to make the most of a situation by doing some compromising. This brings me to the next topic. If you do not have an ideal travel companion at least you can have cool accessories to help make the trip more tolerable.

Road Trip Necessities: Pleasant Conversation, Soulful Tunes, and A Book on CD……..

As I mentioned above, there are many “tools” to help make a road trip more enjoyable. My family and I would play a game similar to the Book of Questions. We would each take a turn asking each other life questions.

· What would you do if you won the lottery (my mom’s favorite)?

· If you could invite four people (dead or living) to your dinner party, who would they be?

· If you had to listen/watch to the same song (movie, TV show) the rest of your life, what would it be?

· Would you rather be invisible or have the ability to fly?

· If you were stranded on a desert island what five things what would you want with you? Which five people?

· If there was a movie about your life, who would you cast to play you?

I think if we would have attempted this game at home, it would not have lasted as long. Some one may get up from the table or would have to be somewhere else. Since we were stuck in the car together for a lengthy amount of time, it forced us to get creative. We also had an opportunity to get to know each other on a different level. Without playing this game, I am not sure if I would have known that my dad would like to dine with Abraham Lincoln. The next time you are on a road trip, try turning down the radio and turning up the conversation. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

I will also confess that my musical tastes have been expanded, thanks to our family road trips. I know many words to songs from Les Miserables, Phantom of the Opera, Miss Saigon, etc. My mom would always explain the stories and messages behind the musicals before we listened to the soundtracks so we had a better understanding of the music. I would bet my bottom dollar I would have left the room or turned up my Walkman (I was born in the 70s) if my mom or dad would have put those tunes on at home. To prevent show tunes overload, each family member would be given a chance to play their own music (as long as it did not blow out the speakers or mention profanity). Needless to say, my parents benefited from this rule. This can also be done with audio CD’s. My friend who had the positive road trip experience said that she and her boyfriend picked out a bunch of audio CDs of books they have been meaning to read. She said it was a great way to catch up on their reading and a chance to discuss the book with someone.

Taking the Road Less Traveled

I noticed a common theme when I am in the car; I am always trying to get to my destination as fast as I can. As I mentioned in the second paragraph, road trips can be much more enjoyable when time is on your side. Also, I do not consider sitting in traffic on the Kennedy for two and half hours a road trip even though it may take the same amount of time. The last road trip my husband and I were on was from Phoenix to Flagstaff, AZ. It was recommended to me by a fellow intern that if time allowed we should take the (longer) scenic route through Sedona, AZ. We were pressed for time to make a family party, but we decided to take the suggestion. See the picture below of what we would have missed if we took the faster route. Being on this mini road trip helped me to stop and slow down and to “smell the roses”, by taking in the gorgeous scenery. In the future, I hope I can apply this philosophy to other areas of my life.

DISCLAIMER: I am not suggesting a road trip is a substitute for therapy. I think a road trip can be an enlightening experience.

Kristy Hatch is a practicum intern student at The Awakening Center. She co-leads the ANAD support group on Tuesday evenings & can be reached at (773) 929-6262 x 12.

“Your Holiday Toolbox”

So here we are, smack in the middle of the holiday season- that 6-week period between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. How are you doing in this stressful time? Are you reeling from that Thanksgiving dinner and hoping to make it through Christmas unscathed? Are you counting down to when life returns to normalcy? Or are you embracing each challenge that this holiday season brings with quiet determination and clarity of thought?

The New York Times published an article entitled “Duck! It’s the holidays” (by Joyce Walder, Nov 18, 2009) that relates the story of Eric Marcus, a 51-year-old NYC writer who invited his mother to Thanksgiving dinner at his home. Despite the wide array of food prepared by professional cooks that were also guests at this gathering, she complained loudly about the lack of a sweet potato dish. Marcus felt that this was just typical behavior on her part as she often found a way to be disappointed no matter the situation.

“Suddenly I’m 12 years old and we are someplace when she says something inappropriate and embarrassing yet again,” Mr. Marcus said in the article. “All her life, she has a habit of saying negative things.”

Does this sound oh so familiar to you? The holidays, with all their revelry and celebration, are often a minefield of negativity for many families. By merely bringing so many family members together, the holidays often trigger age-old family dynamics that have their roots in childhood. No matter if you are 50 or 15, you might find yourself in that caretaker or mediator or rebel or parent role just one more time.

If you have an eating disorder, the holidays might be so distressing to you that you might find yourself resorting to old and destructive ways of relating to food. There is just something about the magnetic pull of family dynamics that sees many of us engaging in old and unhealthy coping mechanisms that we thought we had grown out of.

For me, I know that whenever I face an interaction with my family, be it a mere phone call, a casual dinner or a Christmas party, I have found it useful to take some active steps to ensure that I can take care of myself should the old triggers reappear. Some steps include:

1) Plan, plan, plan: Prepare for potentially triggering situations by talking about your fears and insecurities with a therapist or with a good friend. You might want to draw up a game plan with several constructive things you can do if a distressing situation occurs. If you have an open and cooperative relationship with your family, you might want to send them an email in advance to politely request that they avoid talking about or doing certain things that might distress you.

2) Fill up your toolbox: You want to bring a variety of coping skills to the family dinner table so that you have healthy alternatives other than what you are so used to doing. You might want to write down several self-care activities that you know will be effective in soothing you- walking a walk, bringing a good book, updating your playlist with your favorite music are all good options. Sometimes, when these aren’t possible (maybe you can’t walk away from the dinner table) taking a good, deep breath helps a ton.

3) Lastly, be kind to yourself. If you do find yourself engaging in old patterns of behavior, try to really let it go and forgive yourself. It is important, when you fall, to recognize the fact that your past efforts and that the holidays are a really difficult time for almost everyone.

So for this holiday season, I wish you a time of healthy eating and healthy thought, and a time of non-judgment and self-acceptance.

Jolene Hwee is a master's level practicum intern from Northwestern University.

* The NYT article can be found at
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/19/garden/19manners.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&sq=duck!%20its%20the%20holidays&st=cse&scp=1

Un-Inspired

What dreary weather! How hectic the stores! And don't even mention traffic! Anne Riley, the art therapy practicum student from the Adler School of Professional Psychology, has hit it right on the head with her blog article: "Un-inspired." Let's see if we can find a little Inspiration to help carry us through the rest of the year.

Namasté,

Amy Grabowski

"Un-Inspired"

Un-inspired. How many times has this occurred in one’s life? How is one able to see a way to alter this feeling? How might one’s viewpoint change if un-inspiration takes place? What does the word uninspired even mean? Has all passion been lost when one gets to this point? What is it that makes one un-inspired?
So many questions come to mind; thoughts go circling around and around and still….nothing. How might we come to this place of not having inspiration to do what may be asked of us to do? Could it be pressures in life or stress to find perfection? It seems as though we are searching too hard to find the solution or that “right “ thing that needs to be created or thought of. A strong sense of being stuck comes to our attention and then, more questions arise. It seems as though it is a vicious cycle. We take a walk, we search for answers in the wind, we seek friends and family, we look for signs that could change our behavior or thoughts of being in a lull.
The emotions that come up once we fall from being inspired, are one’s of hopelessness, wonder, and disappointment (along with many others not mentioned). To many of us, it can be a scary thing to have to sit and wonder what could possibly be holding us back from showing our creativity or intelligence or enthusiasm for a particular answer. We tend to beat ourselves up for not having the capability to come up with an explanation for the way in which we go through being un-inspired. When we have needed inspiration, where is that we typically look? Is it others whom we look to or other outside forces besides our self? Whatever or wherever these “answers” to our inspiration may be hiding it makes no difference we just want to know what it is that we may do to find them.
Maybe the reason for being un-inspired to what we would like or need is so we may find ourselves alone. This place isn’t always the top on our list to be, especially a way to find a solution. It is not often that we neither have nor even want the time to simply sit with ourselves; to just be, to just listen to what it is we need. Many times the lack of inspiration comes from us getting out of touch with ourselves. This isn’t always the case, but many times if we look a little bit deeper and sit with ourselves a little bit longer, we find what it is we were looking for.

On the other hand, letting ourselves just be lost in the un-inspired moment is an all right place to be. It isn’t as though we have “thrown in the cards” or given up, but it’s a way to let us see that we will not always have what we need or are looking for and that this may arise from losing touch with our selves. If we could take the pressure off and just sit with whatever it is we need or are feeling, we may be able to find our selves again. The inspiration to achieve what it is we want may take time; sometimes all we need is a little bit of patience to be able to see what it is we really are searching for. Our un-inspired selves will slowly transform back into the creativity and thought that we are capable of having. It is a matter of knowing that we may not always have this at the tip of our fingers (or toes), but to look within ourselves for inspiration to come, no matter the situation.

Anne Riley

A Vision of Healthy Eating

Often times in my sessions with clients I spend a lot of time talking about the idea of normal eating. Everyone has their unique idea of what normal eating is but often times they have a hard time articulating what “normal” looks like. A client of mine who has been trapped in a vicious cycle of eating disorder behaviors for several years felt inspired one evening and wrote the following piece “Vision of Healthy Eating”. When I read this piece for the first time I was taken aback by how vivid her vision is and I felt that many of our clients at The Awakening Center would benefit from her story.

I want to thank this client, who will remain anonymous, for her insight, strength and willingness to share her vision of Healthy Eating.

Thank you,
Jennifer Reiner MS, RD, LD

A Vision of Healthy Eating: A Vision of Fullness

In this vision, my life is full of color and stimulation from people, from my job, from art, from God. In my vision, I feel full, full of fire, full of peace, full of love. I wake up in the mornings rested and hungry for new experiences. I am hungry for love, sex, music, nature, dancing, laughing, crying, hugging, stretching, plunging into water, turning my face toward the sunlight, letting my voice flow out of my mouth joining the music that my friends and I are making. I am full of quiet, full of breath as I look at people I love. My body feels hungry too. I honor my body’s hunger for food--sometimes sweet, salty, sometimes bitter and sharp. I taste green growing things. I sink my teeth into rich grains and meats. I listen to my body as I eat, feel my stomach expand, pay attention to flavors and textures on my tongue. When I eat, I am at home with friends, at the park, sitting at a café. I thank God for sustaining me as I eat. I recognize that just like my life is not perfect, my food will never be perfect. I am honest with myself about what I need when different kinds of needs arise. Sometimes I may eat with exuberance with friends--sometimes I may choose a food simply because it comforts me or reminds me of something or sometime worth remembering. In my vision of healthy eating my body is an equal partner with my soul and I strive to make them work in concert. This is a vision that I am excited to work for day by day.

Holding Hope

Sometimes it is hard to feel hopeful. And when we feel this way, we often only want two things. We want to know that someone in the world knows what's going on in our lives and that they care that this is going on in our lives - in other words, when we feel hopeless they can hold hope for us. Jen Schurman, a Marraige and Family Therapist at The Awakening Center has written a wonderful article, "Holding Hope" that describes this process.

First I want to thank all of you who contributed to the Paulina Station Food Drive last month. We collected 1,600 pounds of food for the Lakeview Pantry. What a caring way to show the hungry people of Chicago that we know what's going on and we care enough to do something about it!

If you didn't have time to contribute, you can simply make a virtual contribution on their website: www.lakeviewpantry.org

Namasté,

Amy Grabowski

Holding Hope

So often the journey I take with clients comes down to the question of hope. There are many times in life when it begins to feel as if things are stacking against us and we begin to question the possibilities of what we truly desire. We find that we are seemingly stuck in the same cycle of dissatisfaction with how our life is going, how we are feeling, the monotony of our days and what we see as our future. We begin to feel trapped in our days rather than anticipating our days. We look at life as just getting through, surviving, or making the best of the situation. This is surely not what is intended for us.
Hope is defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as “trust, to cherish a desire with anticipation, to desire with expectation of obtainment, to expect with confidence.” In abandoning our sense of hope for ourselves we lose a sense of connection with the driving force leading us to what we long for. In losing hope we lose trust, anticipation, confidence, and a sense of cherishing our lives. If all of these elements are connected to hope how imperative it is that we not only hold it but embrace, seize, and cling to it.
There are certainly times when we seem to be far from the vision we had for ourselves and how easy it can be to resign ourselves to something far less than what was planned for us. I will frequently explore a client’s level of hope and their ability to hold the hope for themselves. Sometimes it is challenging and perhaps I will carry the dream for them for a bit. I cling to the hope that there are great things that await each and every one of us and there are many hopes I fully anticipate my clients finding. So many gifts are waiting: people destined to meet us, work created to fascinate us, passions to explore and countless simple moments to savor.
Embracing hope means holding onto what we desire; not settling, giving in or giving up. Rather giving yourself the permission to hold onto your dreams and anticipate them. Often we are in such a hurry to arrive and experience what we value. We miss the many experiences in the anticipation phase and all that we can learn during this time of waiting. This waiting phase is often characterized as passing the time or just being anxious, while it can really allow us to appreciate the experience even more. It also allows us to realize the importance, significance, and blessings once we finally achieve our hopes.
Realizing our hopes requires us to be open to the opportunities and being courageous enough to trust in the steps along the way. As we move towards our desires we are also frequently given the opportunity to help another fulfill their hope. As we experience our aspirations we can also be an integral part of another’s journey. What was intended for us and our commitment to that then not only affects us but also those around us.
I choose then to cling, cleave and embrace all the hopes I have. “Wouldn’t it be great to find work that uses my talents and interests me?” “Wouldn’t it be amazing to find a connection and relationship that is fulfilling?” “Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a family member live around the block?” “Wouldn’t it be fun to have children?” It has been and will be beyond amazing and I only hold the hope for more.
My wish for you this holiday season is that you have the chance to look back on this past year and see what hopes you have realized and continue to cling to the ones that are still in the works. May you have the opportunity to celebrate and delight in all the gifts that were intended and delivered to you this year.
Jennifer Schurman, MA, LPC
(773) 929-6262 x 20

Reversing Self-Abuse

These grey and gloomy days of mid-November can make us prone to a lot of negative self-talk. Erin Diedling, a therapist at The Awakening Center who specializes in the treatment of trauma and abuse has written a very stirring article which she calls "Reversing Self-Abuse". I hope you find it informative and motivating.

Namaste,

Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

Director

Reversing Self-Abuse

My first passion for psychology stemmed out of an interest in trauma work. And I’m partial to treating adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I have seen an influx of clients lately who are healing from this type of early abuse. When I get an influx of clients handling a particular issue or a particular aspect of a trauma, it can usually indicate that I have something very specific to learn about the bigger picture.

I recently had a realization in working with trauma clients who survived childhood sexual abuse that there is an insidious thing that happens – especially if the perpetrator was any good at what they did. In witnessing the stories and personality cadences of my clients, I saw that the perpetrator’s talent was in teaching the child how to continue to perpetrate the abuse upon herself. It shows up as self-hatred, self-flagellation, criticism, insecurity, self-rejection, self-deprecation and just down right ugly self-talk.

For me, this was a key. The wonderful thing about finding such a maladaptive pattern is that there is a way to work WITH the client to help her to protect herself. The deeper the wounding or abuse (which considers DIF - duration, intensity and frequency) the more likely the survivor of abuse would coil into a pattern of self-abuse through how she perceived herself, talked to herself, and related to others. The deeper the wounding, the more likely my survivor client would continue to abuse herself – behavior taught by the original abuse and the original abuser.

So now I ask a client to look at her negative self talk as it relates to the original abuse and abuser. I am able to gently challenge the client to be in alignment with who she truly is at her core. I often find that she does not want to be in agreement with the original abuser who taught her to turn on herself. If she can begin to see that she has aligned with the abuse and the abuser and begun to turn on herself, may begin to be in a greater place of choice and freedom. She can choose to align with the abuser, to re-abuse herself and become a metaphorical suicide bomber OR she can decide to switch teams from terrorist squad to gentle and benevolent squad or even self-protection squad. Once she makes the link that the trauma taught her to turn the abuse upon herself I find that she is usually more willing to make a new alignment with her child-self. Instead of colluding with the abuser and putting herself down, she may defy the abuser and protect her child-self who was not allowed protection.

At every turn I try to make a game out of it. “Oh, OK, so your outfit looks lame? Is that the abuser re-abusing you or is that your authentic YOU?”
“So you say you’re not an interesting conversationalist? No one likes you? That’s funny because I find you very likeable and you have compelling stories to tell?”
From there I may ask, “Who decided you were a poor conversationalist or were unlikable? Would that be YOU or the abuser?”

I’m careful not to force the choice. Instead, I can invite my client to advocate for herself. Once she sees the pattern of self-abuse, she can decide if she wants to do things differently. She may not have had a choice in the past. The joy of seeing a maladaptive pattern is that it brings her freedom to remain in the pattern or to step in a different direction. I find that she almost always does want to advocate for herself. She can end the pattern of abuse here and begin to validate the child who was silenced.

I applaud my clients and all individuals who courageously move forward after sexual abuse. My hope is that when they have the choice to see themselves as deserving compassion they can see the beauty and light that I am able to see in them. It is truly a joy and a privilege to do this kind of work.

Erin Diedling, MEd, LPC

Erin has been on a number of blogs and blog-radio shows lately. The first link is a response to her workshop: "Healing for the Healers". http://www.examiner.com/x-26306-Chicago-SelfAwareness-Examiner~y2009m10d15-Healing-workshops-for-healers
Here are a couple other links: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/billyp/2009/10/16/psychic-reading-hour
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/billyp/2009/11/14/unexpectedly-psychic