Recovering The Sense of Self

Recovering The Sense of Self
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

Editor's Note: Amy is in the process of writing a book about recovering from eating disorders. Occasionally we have printed excerpts from it. This is the beginning of a chapter about finding the sense of Self. You may want to read some previous excerpts on our website.

"Over the weekend, I went to an office party with my new boyfriend. It was the first time that he was introducing me to his friends and boss. He seemed really nervous and kept going into other rooms, just leaving me sitting there all alone. The critic in my head kept screaming at me, 'You're so fat that he can't stand to be seen with you! You are such a loser that he's embarrassed to be with you.' I could hear it but something different happened this time. Deep inside I felt something, not a voice but just a sense of knowing that the critic was wrong. I felt OK. I knew that he was just nervous and it wasn't because of me."Ann

Describing the Self is like trying to describe a beautiful color. It is difficult to put into words. But like recognizing the beautiful color once you've seen it, when you recover your sense of Self, it will feel familiar. Amanda described it well, "It's like trying to remember a song you've heard only once. But if you hear it again you remember it. And if you hear it again and again, over time you can sing it to yourself whenever you want."

The familiarity is because you were born with a sense of Self, and you were very expressive of your Self from age two or three on. Now, your Self is there hidden away below the surface; it may be covered in layers of defenses and "old trash", but it's there. Remember the analogy from chapter 2 about the President of the US being hidden away if the country were in attack? For whatever reason, in your personal history, it was not safe for you to be in your Self and your Self was hidden away for safekeeping. For some of you it was a constant gradual daily wearing away of your Self. For others it may have felt more like an explosion! 

Some of you remember feeling good about yourself until puberty, and others say they felt bad before they even entered preschool. It doesn't really matter how or when it happened, the effect was the same.

Speaking of puberty, there have been a number of studies and books written about the dramatic change and loss of self-esteem when girls reach early adolescence. As Mary Pipher writes in her book, Reviving Ophelia: "Just as planes and ships disappear mysteriously into the Bermuda Triangle, so do the selves of girls go down in droves. The crash and burn in a social and developmental Bermuda Triangle." Many of my clients have talked about Junior High School as being the most painful time of their life, like Rachel,"In third or fourth grade, I felt really confident, I liked myself a lot. I was comfortable in my body. I remember having eating contests. Who could eat the most? And standing up on the table and winning the eating contest. And it wasn't a binge! Oh no! I would eat and just forgot about it. I lost her in Junior High School. I wonder where is that person? Where did she go?"

I know what you are thinking, "Yeah, right. Everyone else who reads this book has a Self hidden away, but not me. I'm defective, I'm hopeless." That is just a Bully talking. As you will learn in the next chapter, the Bully is just trying to protect you from being disappointed. For years the parts have organized around a system based on the lack of Self and they are suspicious of any change to this system. They will try to protect the system because they don't trust that the Self will really stay and be there for them. Like the members of an orchestra whose conductor has been absent for a long time, it would take time for them to be assured that she will not leave again. Some of the parts may actually feel relieved that the Self is coming back, but other parts may feel threatened. They may actively try to sabotage this work we are trying to accomplish. (This is another reason to be working with a therapist.)

One of the problems that people encounter when trying to find their sense of Self is that the Self is physically subtle and verbally very quiet - and the parts are physically intense and verbally LOUD! The Self is easily out-shouted by the chattering and clamoring of the parts. As we all know, the squeaky wheel gets the grease - we give our attention to the parts who are the loudest. Often times also, because one or more of the parts are LOUD and very outspoken, they are the ones who you may identify with as being your "self". Because this false-self does not have the qualities of the Self, the mistaken thought of allowing this part to take over and be in charge, may be horrifying.

Sometimes people confuse what I mean by the sense of Self. They think of it as being "in control" or an optimistic cheerleader quality of confidence. While feeling in control and being confident are qualities of your Self, the Self is deeper than that. It is a deep-seated feeling of inner strength and wisdom within. When you are in your Self, you know that no matter what happens you can handle it, you have all the resources you need within you. And from this strength and knowledge, you calmly feel in control and confident.

Almost without exception, when someone doesn't have a sense of Self, they describe an inner emptiness that is very frightening. There is a deep profound sense that something is missing! The emptiness is where your Self is supposed to be. For example if I want to plant a rose bush I have to dig a hole. The hole is where the rose bush will be, the potential for the rose bush. But until the rose bush is planted, it's just a hole. The hole, the emptiness inside us, is the potential where you will experience the Self again. It was there, but now it's concealed and we're going to bring it out of hiding and put it back. One of the best side effects of recovering your sense of Self, is that the inner emptiness disappears! It gets filled, just as the hole disappeared as soon as you put the rose bush into it.

Our goal is to live our life in a state that Dr. Schwartz calls Self Leadership. It would be almost impossible to live our life in our Self perfectly all of the time. When life throws us a zinger, and it will, not because we are weak or defective - but because we are humans living in a human world - a part may react and need help. The Self will compassionately notice, and take the time to attend to her needs. This may mean pulling resources from other parts or from other people who can be trusted. The parts and Self can then return to its healthy new system.

Once you know what it feels like to be in your Self, you will be able to consciously "breathe into" that feeling again and again. It will not come naturally at first. Like learning a new language, at first it will feel foreign, but the more you use it the more comfortable and familiar it will feel. With practice you can become completely fluent. I encourage my clients to practice every day, perhaps starting with a morning ritual that includes intentionally getting in touch with their sense of Self.

Catching the "Uh Oh's"

Catching the "Uh Oh's" 

Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

When "Lisa" came into my office I could tell she was very upset. "I don't know what happened. All of a sudden I started eating and I couldn't stop! I just can't control my eating. There must be something wrong with me. My body just can't handle food like normal people do. I need to watch everything I eat. I'm so scared to lose control like that."

Lisa's torment may sound familiar to you. I know that when I was in my eating disorder, I too described binges very similarly. I remember telling my therapist that it was like a wave that just came over me, out of the blue. I was sure that my body was somehow to blame.

Lisa's reaction is typical too. Since she can't figure out what brought on the binge to begin with, she can only try to fix what she is aware of: the food. But becoming more controlling with food and more restrictive in her eating doesn't work; it only makes the problem worse.

So if trying to control the food isn't the answer, if restricting her eating only makes it worse, then what is Lisa to do? Sometimes we have to admit that doing more of the same is not the answer, especially when it always results in the same outcome. In the words of Monty Python, "And now for something completely different.!"

Focusing our attention on what foods Lisa binges on is not helpful. Becoming aware of what happened before the binge is much more constructive. When a client comes to me and says she binged, I help her to understand that the binge is just an opportunity to learn about her self and to become aware of what is going on inside. Most women who have eating disorders are not very mindful of what is happening within themselves in the moment. Most of the time, they are ruminating about the past or worrying about the future. But the present moment is a blank, they are unaware of what they are experiencing in the moment.

To become aware of what led up to a binge I often will help a client "dissect" the binge. I ask them to talk about the 24 to 36 hours before the binge began. We try to recreate what happened in detail: who she interacted with, what she ate, what she was thinking, what she was feeling. I often ask clients, "When did you know you were going to binge? What was the first sign that you were headed for trouble?" Not surprisingly, the majority of the time, clients had an inkling of a sign in advance of the binge. I used to call these signs the "Uh Ohs".

Does this sound familiar? A tiny voice in the back of my head would be saying "uh oh something's wrong" hours before the binge even began. If I didn't pay attention, I would miss it. The voice would then just get louder, "Uh Oh! Something is definitely not OK." If I continued to ignore it or not pay attention it would turn into "UH OH! Do something quick!" But if my unawareness continued, it would soon be, " UH OH! Oh forget it! Too late! Let's eat!"

If my clients become more aware, more mindful they are more able to catch the "uh ohs" as soon as possible, when they are still very quiet voices. When the uh ohs are small, they can be handled more easily than if they are loud and extreme. When I described this to Lisa, she came up with a wonderful analogy that helped her to "see" what she needed to do. (And you know how I love analogies.)

She said bingeing was like going over a waterfall in a small boat. If she was far back upstream on the river and she paid attention to quiet signs (the sound of the waterfall, the mist of the waterfall in the distance, the acceleration of the current of the stream) she would become aware that "uh oh", there was a waterfall ahead. She would be able to paddle to shore to not go over the waterfall. If she was not paying attention or ignored the quiet signs, she would be closer to the waterfall and it may be hard for her to get to shore by herself. When she became aware that "Uh Oh!" there's a waterfall ahead, she would have to ask for help from someone who could help her bring her boat to the shore. But if she still did not pay attention or continued to ignore the signs (which by the way are becoming ever louder and more apparent - UH OH!) she would be so close to the falls that it would be inevitable that she would go over - " UH OH , too late! Let's Eat!!!"

By dissecting a binge we learn what our "uh oh's" are for us: what emotions, relationships, feelings, body sensations, thoughts and events are likely to cause us distress and if not taken care of can trigger a binge. Let's go back and look at what Lisa was dealing with on the day before her binge.

At first Lisa focused on the food aspect of the binge. "I had such a craving for sweets and on my way home I kept fighting off the urge to pull into every convenience store. Finally I broke down and bought a huge bag of cookies and since I knew I was going to get rid of it, I bought some cake and ice cream too." I asked her to think of any associations to the sweets, what they meant to her at that particular day.

"Well, it could be that at a meeting at work today someone brought in a tray of sweets. I wouldn't let myself have one even though I really wanted one." I commented, "I think we just found an "uh oh". But I'm sure there's more to this."

Lisa reflected, "I was really hungry when I binged, because I hadn't eaten much that day. I usually only have coffee for breakfast and a salad for lunch." (Did you just hear another "uh oh"?)

"Tell me about how you were feeling during the day?" I asked. Lisa related, "For some reason, I was a bit on edge ("uh oh") and I'm not sure why. Nothing really happened at work." She had been at a meeting led by her supervisor with seven of her coworkers. She just happened to be the only female at the meeting. At one point in the meeting her supervisor asked Lisa to make some copies even though she was not sitting by the door. "As I maneuvered my way around everyone else's chair to get to the door, I was annoyed that he asked me, a female, to make the copies. The guys who were closer to the door know how to make copies. Why didn't he ask one of them? But I know I shouldn't let it bother me, it's such a little thing." ("UH OH!")

"But it did bother you," I prompted. Lisa's face lit up as she realized, "Yeah! I was mad and felt belittled by him! I tried to make myself feel superior by turning down the sweets in the meeting. But I kept yelling at myself for letting it bother me at all (UH OH!) !"

"Is this the first time something like this has happened at work?" I asked.

"Oh no. He does things like this all the time at work. I tried to talk to him about it, but he dismissed my concerns," she replied. Her face became downcast as she realized, "I think I'm going to have to find a new job and I'm scared."

"Lisa, I think we found the biggest UH OH of them all."

As you can see by this example, if Lisa just focused on the cookies she would be missing what really was wrong. She learned how to pick up subtle signals that she was experiencing an emotion that she needed to deal with. Eventually with practice she became more mindful of her internal reactions to what was going on around her. She started making connections between these reactions and feelings and her cravings for binges. Working hard over time, she was able to learn how to handle these events without resorting to food.

Mentors, Kids and Advocates

Mentors, Kids and Advocates
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

A Note From Amy: As I’ve mentioned in the newsletter before I’m writing a book about recovery from eating disorders. The following is another excerpt. You can read previous excerpts on our website.

….We all have a Self, a capable conductor, within us. The Self is the part I refer to as “Wisdom”. When we are in our Self, we feel centered and grounded. It is because of this centered and grounded state that we can feel calm and peaceful. An important aspect of the Self is compassion, a loving, empathic nurturance towards ourselves, the parts and others. The Self also feels courage and confidence, and possesses the clarity needed to handle whatever life gives us. Using its qualities of curiosity and creativity, the Self helps the parts resolve any problems that may arise. We are able to be current, to stay in the present when we are in our Self. And through the Self we connect to who we are, to our parts, to other people and to our place in the bigger picture of life. When we are in our Self, we have the capacity for objectivity – the ability to step back and observe our parts, other people, or ourselves, without criticism or judgment.

The second premise is that each of the parts has a positive role in the system. In an orchestra, the tuba’s role is to add depth by contributing low bass notes to the music. Another role of the tuba is to emphasize the beat. While other instruments may also have similar roles, only the tuba can do it in its own unique way. Our parts also have a positive intention behind all that they do. When the parts are cooperative and working together, it’s easy to imagine what the intention is. If we asked the tuba what it is trying to do for the orchestra, the musician would answer, “My bass notes add depth and rhythm to the music. I’m trying to help the orchestra as a whole sound as wonderful as possible so that the audience thinks highly of us.” It’s when the parts are not cooperative and are not working together, or when the conductor isn’t present that the positive role and intention may be harder to find.

Just as musicians are organized into identifiable sections of the orchestra, our parts can be organized into groups as well. It is entirely possible for you to experience one, two, or several parts in each group with slightly different roles. For example, in the Mentor group you may have one who manages your finances, while another monitors your career path.

One of the difficulties of describing each group of parts is making it easy enough to understand without oversimplifying the parts’ complexities. When you read about the different groups of parts, please trust your own inner wisdom. If I say Mentors often feel adult in age, but one of your Mentors feels young to you, so be it – have faith in your own experience. You don’t have to force your parts to fit my description. The descriptions that I give are rough guidelines, not rigid rules.

I’ll start with the parts I call the Mentors. These parts often feel adult in age and are often experienced as cognitions, or thoughts. Their positive role is to manage our day-to-day life while motivating us to learn, grow and to be the best we can be. They possess the ability to organize, plan and problem solve. These parts are very productive and promote “doing”. In the long run, the Mentors want us to find fulfillment and meaning in our life.

But, all work and no play make Jill a dull girl, right? While the Mentors keep us moving forward in life, the Kids make life enjoyable along the way. You know by their very name, Kid parts usually feel young. More often than not, these parts are experienced as emotions and sensations in the body. When in balance and in harmony with the other parts, they feel fun and playful. Your sense of humor comes from the Kid parts. They possess an awe and wonder of life. A deep sense of self-worth, contentment and a love of life can come from the Kid parts.

The last group of parts is the Advocates. The Advocates remind me of adolescents; they bring an enjoyable kind of “spunk” and energy into the mix. These parts can speak to us through our thoughts as well as through our body. The Advocates push us to take care of ourselves, to stand up for ourselves, and to protect ourselves. They remind us to have balance in our lives and encourage our parts to be in balance as well. Remember “all work and no play”? The Advocates also remind us that “all play and no work” doesn’t feel well either. The many roles of the Advocates can be as varied as reminding us to rest when tired or to speak up when someone takes advantage of us.

There is an openness to the relationship between the different parts. The parts communicate freely with each other and with the Self. The parts want the Self to listen to them, it’s important that they feel heard. They want the Self to appreciate what they do for the system as a whole. And the parts want the Self and the other parts to take care of them when they need it.

When the system works it’s wonderful! But when the system doesn’t work, when there is no sense of Self and the parts leap in to fill the void, it’s painful, chaotic and frantic!

Notice I said, “no sense of Self” instead of “no Self”. It’s not that the Self is entirely absent; it’s just hidden away. In another of Dr. Schwartz’s analogies, the Self is like the President of the United States. If the United States were under attack, the President would be whisked away to a safe place for his or her own protection. After the crisis, he or she would return to his or her leadership role and everything would return to normal. So your Self is there somewhere, hidden away for it’s own protection.

Returning to the orchestra analogy, if the conductor of the Chicago Symphony didn’t show up for a performance one day, the musicians probably would perform as professionally as usual. The audience most likely wouldn’t be able to hear any difference. When the conductor returned, the musicians would be concerned and would want an explanation. The relationship between the conductor and musicians would be back to normal quickly.

If the conductor started to miss performances sporadically and was inconsistent at attending rehearsals, the trust between the musicians and the conductor would break down. Some animosity would begin to develop. In the conductor’s absence, sooner or later one of the musicians would take over, “Okay, I think we should all turn to page 34 and start from measure 178. Let’s play it a little jazzier.” Because the musician is not trained to be a conductor and does not have the qualities needed to be the conductor, eventually another musician is going to say, “Why are you conductor? Why aren’t I conductor? I don’t want to play it jazzy, I think it should be more formal!” Since more than one musician may rebel against the pseudo-conductor, we’ve got chaos and anarchy.

When I describe an orchestra without a conductor, in my mind I picture Junior High School band. Without the teacher, some bully will grab the piccolo and throw it in the tuba. There will be some anxious kid saying, “Oh, we should keep practicing anyway. We’re going to get in trouble!” Another student shouts, “Who cares! I never liked you anyway, get out of here!” Then the drums will play as loud at it can to drown out everyone else.

What happened to the beautiful music that the orchestra is capable of playing? It’s lost! They stopped working together; they each have their own agenda that they feel is more important than any other musician’s agenda. They need the conductor, just as our parts need a capable leader to keep them working together. They need the Self.

Without a sense of Self, we feel hollow and empty, directionless and lost. The connection with our parts and with others is gone. This is the void that Emily described so vividly in chapter 1. I’ll talk about what causes the Self to get hidden away in the next chapter. I want to describe briefly what happens to the parts when the Self is missing. It helps if you think of the parts as existing on a continuum, with being in balance (I may even assert that the part is in it’s “self”) on one end of the continuum and becoming more and more extreme in it’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors as it moves away from the Self, towards the other end of the continuum.

For the sake of simplicity I’m going to start with the Kid parts. Since our parts act just like their “real life” counterparts it helps to imagine how real kids think, feel and react. Let’s imagine that something happens that is upsetting, someone gets mad at you over a misunderstanding. Without the Self’s soothing reassuring presence, the Kids feel frightened. Realizing they are alone, that there is no one to take care of them, they become anxious. They don’t know how to handle the situation because they are young and inexperienced. They begin to doubt themselves and feel worthless, “What’s wrong with me? I’m not good enough.”

When the Kids are more extreme, I call them the Exiles. This is because the more frightened and helpless they become, the more the other parts push them away in an attempt to help you to not feel these uncomfortably intense emotions. The Exiles also hold our memories from our past. The more traumatic the memories, the more the other parts try to lock the Exiles away in order to not face the feelings that arise when the Exiles get close to a memory.

Usually the anxiety felt by the Exiles will activate the Mentors who rush in to try to take care of the situation. Because they do not possess the soothing reassuring wisdom of the Self, their care taking is often not what the Exiles need or want. Mentors, when they become extreme, can become the Bullies. As they become more extreme, their behavior and thoughts become more and more critical and judgmental. “Stop being such a baby! No one else is acting like this. What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you just get over it?” They can become perfectionistic, punitive and loud. Again I will remind you that our parts act and react like their real life counterparts. The Exiles, looking for soothing and reassurance, become more agitated and fearful as the Bullies start yelling at them. The Bullies react to this with more perfectionism, which elicits more anxiety, which elicits more perfectionism… Round and round they go. 

Finally, the Advocates step in. As extreme as the other two parts have gotten, the Advocates become extreme as well. Advocates often take on two extreme roles, one of which is the Rebel. They rebel against the Bullies. “If you can’t be perfect, then why bother! Who cares? It won’t make any difference anyway.” Their other extreme role is the Numb-er (as in Numbing). The Numb-er says, “I can take all the feelings away. I’ll make it all better. You deserve to eat this (or starve, or purge, etc. etc.).”

And you know what happens next. The Bullies jump in and berate you for eating (starving, purging, etc.). The Exiles feel even more anxious and worthless. The Rebels and Numb-ers convince you to eat (starve, purge) even more….

The relationship between the parts become rigid and inflexible. When their words and behavior doesn’t elicit the result they want, the parts get locked into just doing more and more of the same. They become even more extreme. They seem incapable of trying anything different.

Establishing a firm sense of Self and getting the parts back in balance, back in their part-self, is the goal of recovery.

Putting Recovery in Your Own Hands

Putting Recovery on Your Hands
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

If you don't count calories, exercise or focus on your appearance, what do you do? How does one actually recover? You can't just go out and buy a "self". Many years ago a client asked me to come up with my top 10 recovery tips "a la David Letterman". When I describe total recovery to a client I use the ten fingers to illustrate needing both halves to recover fully. Each finger represents a different aspect needed for recovery.

The first five points, the fingers on the left hand, will sound very familiar and you may have a reaction very similar to Maureen, "When I read all this stuff about eating when you're hungry, I want to scream! If I could eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full I wouldn't need the book! I have no idea anymore when I'm hungry and I'm petrified if I let myself eat what I want because I won't be able to stop. I just don't have that kind of trust in my body. After so many years of denying my hunger, I don't even know what hunger is anymore. I haven't a clue what genuine fullness feels like either. The whole relearning to eat experience is very frightening!"

I assure you that I know what you are talking about, when I was in the depths of my eating disorder I probably was more able to sprout wings and fly than eat normally. And that's the point I am trying to make, you need the second half before you can do the first. So that is why I am writing the second half of the book, the sense of Self half, first. Because you have to resolve these issues first, otherwise your eating will always be tense. When you have a sense of Self, the eating half can relax and fall into place.

Other people have the opposite reaction. As Michelle put it, "When I hear 'Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full' I have mixed feelings. My initial thought is "Yea right, as if it's that simple!". But, in the same token it's very comforting because it is that simple. It all comes down to learning to listen to my body. As challenging as that can be in the grip of an eating disorder, it really does become simple upon recovery." I want to point out that simple is not the same as easy. At times, simple instructions can elicit feelings of guilt, fear, shame, and failure– "Why can't I just stop this?!" Our inner critic reminds us what we "should" eat and then yells at us when we can't do it. This is because it doesn't acknowledge that the eating is a symptom of the deeper problem. As long as the deeper problem remains, eating will be a battleground.

So hang in there reading through points one through five because I assure you that in future chapters you will learn how to do points six through ten. But if you feel like Maureen and have to skip ahead, I understand.

Starting with the food, eating, weight and body hand, the thumb represents "I eat when I am hungry". (See I told you that it would sound familiar…) That's the shorthand version. But it's much deeper than that. When we analyze it, this point implies that you are able to slow down enough to listen to your body and recognizing your body's signals for hunger. These signals are different for everybody, for every body. These signals are going to be different for every situation, for every day. It also suggests being comfortable with having hunger, with your body's nutritional needs, and allowing yourself to eat each and every time your body becomes hungry. 

The second finger represents "I eat a wide variety of foods." This means that you are able to ask your body what it wants to eat, and then choose foods that would be a good match for what your body asked for. You are also able to give yourself permission to choose from any food at all. All foods are equal, there are no "bad" foods and there are no "good" foods.

The third finger represents, "I stop when I am full." You already have heard this one – it's the one that makes everyone say, "I can't do it! I just can't stop eating once I start. I have no control! That's why I have to monitor myself so closely." In a way this sounds harder than it is. I want to reiterate that if you only work on the food half then this aspect will always be a struggle. Stopping when you are full implies that you are able to slow down your eating and listen to your body's signals for fullness. Also, you need to eat mindfully, eating in ways that heighten your feelings of satisfaction. Consistently clients have found that being satisfied is more important than being full.

If the third point sounds harder than it is, then the fourth point "I forget about it afterwards and get on with my life!" is harder than it sounds. "Normal" eaters don't think about what they've eaten, even if they've eaten too much. They may rub their stomachs and moan, "Oh I ate too much!" But then they go cut the grass, work on the computer, whatever. How are they able to do this? They have what I call body trust. They know their body, they know that their body will digest whatever they've eaten and eventually get back to hunger again. If they have overeaten, they know that it just takes longer for their body to get back to hunger. And while they are waiting to get back to hunger, they don't think about it, they don't beat themselves up! You too, can learn how to trust your body.

The last point on this hand is a big job for such a small finger. The pinky finger represents "I accept, love and appropriately move the body I was given genetically". I feel that this is such a large aspect of recovery that I have devoted a whole section of the book to it. This is very difficult to do in our society where we are constantly bombarded with messages that no matter what you look like, it isn't good enough. Our culture is working towards acceptance of diversity of race, ethnicity, and color. But it still does not accept that people come in a wide variety of body types and sizes.

This aspect of recovery means living outside of societal norms. It means refusing to listen to messages about what your body "should" look like. It means stopping every negative thought about your body and learning to accept it as it is. When we can learn to listen to our body's signals for hunger and fullness, we also start to hear its signals for movement and rest. My clients are often surprised at how often their bodies want to move, to dance, jump, skip, swim. When they stop and listen to their bodies, they may become aware of "antsy–ness" when they are zoning out in front of the TV. They also learn to respect the body's need for rest and rejuvenation. 

Okay for those of you who skipped ahead you can start reading now. The second half, the right hand is symbolizes the primary issues to work on, the ones that if lacking make the other half always tense. These next five points are what I consider the essential emotional and spiritual aspects of recovery.

The thumb of the right hand represents "I know who I am". The tag line for The Awakening Center is "Discover who you were meant to be." This is the sense of Self I mentioned earlier. In the next chapter I will describe this sense of Self in depth, but briefly it is a deep–seated calm feeling of personal strength that is always with you, no matter what.

The next finger is "I like who I am". This means being at peace with all your various parts. Living each day in harmony and cooperation with your Self. I often say to my clients that the most important part of recovery is answering two questions "Who am I?" and "Am I OK?" Once you have the answer to the first question, you realize the answer to the second one is, "Yes". Since all babies are born pure and innocent, the answer is always, "Yes". But you have to come to that answer yourself.

The third finger on this hand represents: "I have a direction and a purpose for my life". This point is about finding meaning in one's life. Being able to put life in perspective, knowing what is important and what really is trivial. Learning to live life with our values and ethics in a fulfilling manner.

The ring finger is "I have the confidence and the tools to get there". Having a direction and purpose isn't enough, because life isn't always going to cooperate. Sometimes it will and things will fall right into our laps. But many times we really have to work for something. This point includes learning coping mechanisms, tools, skills and resources that we may not have learned when we were younger.

Again the last finger has such a big job "I have healthy relationships". This point is about learning to relate to others through your Self and relating in a way that brings out the Self in others as well. If the person can only relate through their parts, it means that you stay in your Self as much as possible anyway. Being able to connect to others, both give and take, in a meaningful and reciprocal way.

I think of the two halves complimenting each other like a three dimensional yin–yang. Just like the two hands, when we put all the points of the two halves together our life can be at peace. Every once in a while you have to work on something, to take care of problems. Afterwards life becomes calm again.

So you can see the answer lies in finding your Self. I encourage you to keep reading and "Discover who you were meant to be."

Amy Grabowski

Sense of Self

"Sense of Self"
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

When trying to describe the sense of Self words seem inadequate; like trying to communicate an exact shade of color to someone who hasn't seen it. It helps to imagine talking to someone who is truly confident and self-assured. They would describe to you a feeling deep inside their body, a gut instinct, a quiet, peaceful place of wisdom that holds all the answers. In this place they just know who they are and, based on who they are, they know what is right for them - not a "thinking" kind of knowing, but an "intuitive" kind of knowing. People illustrate it in many different, but similar ways: "It's like the base of a pyramid that is always there and can never be knocked over", "…like a solid column of strength inside my body", "…like a spiritual channel that allows wisdom to speak to me". Clients have also portrayed it in emotional terms as well. "It's a belief that I can handle whatever comes along." "I feel calm and peaceful inside." "A quiet feeling of assuredness comes over me."

In my practice, I have been trained to use a model of therapy called "Internal Family Systems", which was developed by Richard Schwartz, PhD. Your "internal family" is the numerous inner personalities who you may refer to as "parts": "A part of me wants to go to the concert, but another part feels that I should work on that report." Sound familiar?

We all have many parts. It is normal to have parts. Everyone you know has parts. Even "normal eaters" have parts. (I jokingly wonder if there are any "normal eaters" in the US, maybe a few hiding in the mountains of Idaho.) Our Self is one of our parts - although it is different from all the other parts.

Dr. Schwartz compared the relationship between the Self and the parts as similar to an orchestra. Our Self is the conductor of the orchestra and our parts are the many instruments. Think of the most magnificent symphonic music you have ever heard. Its just so wonderful - the beauty, the harmony, the passion! (You may want to put on a classical cd now so that you can experience this with more of your senses.)

Just as an orchestra needs the strings, the woodwinds, the brass, the percussion, all the different instruments, to achieve the richness and depth of the symphony, we need all of our different parts to fully experience life. If all of the instruments were the same, (imagine an all tuba orchestra!) it would not have the same profound beauty. It is the differences among the instruments, just as it is the differences among our parts, which balances and complements each other to achieve this.

The musicians appreciate the differences between the instruments because they know that the other instruments balance and complement their instrument. Our parts can appreciate the different roles of the other parts, knowing that each can "shine" while carrying out it's particular job.

As you listen to the music, you'll notice how some instruments are playing, but others are quiet. While an instrument is quiet, the musician sits calmly, knowing that soon she will again have another passage to play allowing her instrument to "shine". The same is true with our parts; they know that they all have a unique purpose and that at times they will perform that purpose and at other times they will take a backseat while another part is performing.

If you think about what an orchestra is and what it does, it's incredible. Numerous musicians, all performing different scores of music, on various instruments, at the same time, in rhythm and in tune, together. How does that work? How do they perform to sound as one? They are following the lead of the conductor; just as our many different parts work together when they are guided by our Self.

When you listen to an orchestra, you don't hear the conductor; but the conductor is an integral part of the orchestra. The musicians follow cues from the conductor to keep in sync with the other musicians. The conductor has a deep love, understanding and appreciation for each of the different instruments. She also chooses what music will highlight the orchestra's talents and knows in which direction the orchestra needs to go. The musicians respect and trust the leadership of the conductor; and the conductor appreciates and trusts the musicians. This is truly a symbiotic relationship. The musicians need the conductor, just as the conductor needs all of the musicians.

If one of the musicians has a problem, let's say the piccolo is having trouble keeping up with the rhythm of one section of music, the conductor will take the time to stop the orchestra and give her attention to the musician in need. They will work cooperatively together, while the other musicians either wait patiently or give support and encouragement. When the problem is resolved, the piccolo returns to her rightful role in the orchestra, and the conductor will have the musicians commence playing together again.

Our Self appreciates and trusts our parts and they, in turn, listen to and respect the judgment of the Self as well. If one of our parts needs help, she can turn to the Self for guidance, with encouragement, suggestions, and advice from the other parts. This respect and assistance allows the parts and the Self to remain in supportive cooperative relationships.

Both Halves of Recovery

"Both Halves of Recovery"
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

…."How did you do it? How long did it take? How is your approach any different from the hundreds of books already written about recovery?" In a nutshell, I'll tell you that I couldn't recover until I had all the parts of recovery in place. As long as I continued to work on only half of recovery, it all kept tumbling down.

Let me explain by giving you a visual example. Right now stop reading and put your hands together so that your fingertips are touching and your fingers are curved, like you are holding a large softball. How long could you hold your hands like this? Like most people, you'll find it comfortable, fairly easy to do. 

Now, move your hands apart but keep them in the same position, with your fingertips curved towards one another. How long you can hold them like this? Your hands may start to shake. Are you feeling tension in your hands? Tingling? You probably couldn't hold them like this for very long. It would be too uncomfortable, a struggle.

When you put your hands back together, what happens? Relief! Phew! The hands instantly relax. It becomes easy again. The hands balance each other. Each hand represents the two halves of recovery. One half alone causes tension and discomfort, a struggle. You need both halves of recovery, and then it is easy.

So, you might be thinking, what are the two halves of recovery? One hand represents food, eating, weight and the body.

This is the half that people want to fix, why they seek out therapy. When I ask a new client for her goals for therapy, inevitably she says, "I want to stop bingeing and purging. I don't want to eat this way." She will also go on to tell me all the ways that she has tried to "fix" her eating.

You know what I'm talking about, don't you? You probably already have vast knowledge about food and nutrition; know all about food groups, portion sizes, and servings. Without a doubt, you could rattle off from memory the fat grams and calorie counts of various foods. Like most women with eating disorders, you are certainly very intelligent, you know this information and have made numerous attempts to use this information to recover.

Have you been drawn to certain food combinations looking for "the answer" to fix your eating disorder? "Maybe if I eat more carbohydrates and less protein..." "Maybe less carbs and more protein is the way to go." "If I eliminate all fat and sugar, then I'll be able to eat normally." "This book says that with my blood type I shouldn't eat fruit in the morning." "I must be addicted to sugar. If I avoid all sweets, then that will make me OK." But even as you search for the answer among the many different foods out there, you know that food is not the real issue. And since food is not the issue, it is not the answer.

So if food is not the answer, then maybe the answer is…. Exercise! Maybe, like "Libby", you need to run or workout everyday, no matter what! During one of our sessions together, Libby admitted to running when the wind-chill was sixty degrees below zero! What!? Is she crazy?! Why would she put herself in a potentially harmful situation like that! Her answer, "I had to! I would have felt fat if I hadn't." Ironically, Libby felt fat even when she did.

Many women look to weight as "the answer". You may think that if you only could reach a certain number on the scale, then all would be well with the world, you would never make mistakes, everyone would like you, in other words you would be perfect. As you know, that number never appears! No matter what the scale reads, you never feel OK inside. That little voice inside your head continues to say, "Maybe if you lose five more pounds…" Even if you appear emaciated to others, you still feel "fat", not good enough, defective and empty, inside and out.

Even the labels Anorexia Nervosa (which means "nervous loss of appetite"), Bulimia ("ox-hunger") and Binge Eating Disorder emphasize the disordered eating half of the eating disorder. Outside people, those "normal eaters" out there, also don't get it. They think, "You have an eating disorder. So fix the eating and you'll be Okay." Voila! The solution is simple. Very well meaning friends and family members say, "All you have to do is eat three meals a day." "Just eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full." And my personal favorite, "Just stop, don't do it anymore!" At this point, as the recipient of this helpful advice, you are supposed to hit your forehead with insight and gratefully exclaim, "Wow! I never thought of that before! Thanks so much for that advice. I'm all better now! Let's go have lunch!"

If only it was that simple!

I, myself, also fell for these common fallacies. During my first attempt at recovery, a lot of my time and energy was spent "controlling my food" and stopping any food related symptom: I ate well-balanced, pre-planned, "normal" meals and I weighed a pre-determined, "normal" weight. Even though I received some praise from others because "I had recovered!" inside I still felt hollow and empty, not good enough. Every day was a struggle, but that's how I assumed all "normal" people felt. Now that I had "recovered", I thought that life was going to be "perfect". The first time Life threw a "zinger" my way, I freaked out! I didn't know what to do and not knowing how to handle it made me feel out of control again! But this made no sense to me! I had fixed my eating disorder, right? I ate "normal" and looked "normal", right? So why was Life throwing zingers at me? What was wrong with me? After a few more weeks of struggling to be "normal", of trying to control life by controlling my "normal" eating and by looking "normal", the eating disorder symptoms came back. And I must admit I welcomed them like old friends!

So if you only fix half of the problem, just the food, eating, weight and the body, you have the constant tension, struggle, and discomfort. Hold up only one hand with curved tense fingers again. Feel it again? It's like the phrase that some groups use, "You're always one bite away from your next binge." That way of thinking says you can never recover, you can only be abstinent. I found this to be very depressing. If I was going to have to fight with myself everyday for the rest of my life, then why bother?! Why not just stay sick!?

So you need both halves, the balance of two halves supporting each other, for total recovery. Go ahead and put your two hands together again. Feel the relief, the ease. By now, you're wondering what the other hand is. The other hand represents your sense of Self. Total recovery is achieving peace with your food, your body, and your Self.

Finding Meaning and Fulfillment

Finding Meaning And Fulfillment 
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

This article, that you will read was written only 6 weeks after the terrorists attack on the World Trade Center. At this time, we are still in the midst of the Anthrax crisis and the bombing in Afghanistan. On the night of September 11th, only four women braved going out to attend the weekly ANAD support group. Feeling fear, anxiety and shock, they wanted to pull together, to get comfort in being with others who understood and cared. But that evening we didn't talk about food, eating, or weight at all. We had very deep conversations about trust and relationships. As one woman so aptly put it, "Worrying about the size of my thighs seems so unimportant now."

In the days that followed, people coped in their own unique ways. Some watched the televised news accounts regularly, wanting to be informed at all times. Others avoided television, needing a break from the vivid visuals. Personally I was drawn to reading the many personal stories of the people who died in the tragedies. It was touching to read what people said about the loved ones who were gone. For the most part the friends and family members remembered the person's kindness, generosity, sense of humor; the good times they had spent together talking and sharing activities; their intelligence and what they gave to their workplace and communities. Rarely was the person's appearance even mentioned. Not once did someone mention the size the loved one wore.

For weeks after the tragedy, many of my clients gave blood, brought treats to show appreciation for their local fire fighters, and donated money to the relief effort. If anything positive can come of these tragedies, for a while it was easy to put food, eating, and weight in perspective. What seemed really important was reaching out and connecting with others as a way of finding true meaning and fulfillment in life. I saw a sign in my children's school, which sums this up nicely: "If you want to be happy for an hour, watch TV. If you want to be happy for a day, go to Great America. If you want to be happy for a life, help another."

This New Year, I encourage you to find that meaning and fulfillment for yourself. It can be small things, for example: giving away clothing for those less fortunate, giving food to a food pantry, working one time in a soup kitchen or homeless shelter, donating blood or money.

If you are looking for a way to build a bond with others, you may consider volunteering on a regular basis. There are hundreds of children in the Chicago area who need tutors. Organizations such as ANAD could always use clerical, phone or other office help. Answering phone calls from teen runaways or playing bingo with seniors can be very rewarding.

For longer commitments, there are 500 mile bike rides for AIDS or 60 mile walks for Breast Cancer Awareness.

In a city the size of Chicago there are thousands of organizations that would like volunteers. A Google search of "volunteer Chicago" resulted in over 313,000 websites. Here are a few to help you get started.

• The United Way has a website devoted to matching people with volunteer opportunities in Chicago. You can search any number of categories to find a volunteer placement that suits your needs. www.chicagovolunteer.net
• The Bottomless Closet: provides professional clothing, job readiness and employment training and coaching services to women on assistance 
  www.bottomlesscloset.org - (312) 527-9664
• ANAD (National Association for Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders) often needs clerical, phone and office help; support group leaders and cash donations are needed as well. 
  www.anad.org (847) 831-3438
• The National Runaway Switchboard provides non-judgmental confidential crisis intervention and referrals to youth and their families through a 24-hour hotline.
  www.nrscrisisline.org - (773) 880-9860
• Big Brothers Big Sisters of America is the nations oldest youth mentoring organization.
  www.bbbsa.org
• Ten Thousand Villages, a store in Evanston, sells handicrafts made by unemployed and underemployed artisans around the world, providing them with vital fair income. Volunteers are needed for many daily operations of the store. (847) 869-8262

I want to close with a poem written by Edward Everett Hale

"I am only one,
but still I am one.
I cannot do everything,
but still I can do something,
and because I cannot do
everything,
I will not refuse
to do the something I can do."