Tools for Our Recovery Toolbox

As a famous Psychologist Abraham Maslow once said, “When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start to look like nails.”

Imagine a carpenter who only had one tool – a hammer.  If you hired this carpenter to hang pictures, the carpenter would pull out the hammer and do a fine job.  But what if you asked the carpenter to shorten the legs of a table.  When the carpenter pulled out the hammer, you would wonder why?  And if you allowed the carpenter to use the hammer to shorten the table legs, the table would probably be ruined.   

The same is true with our Eating Disorder.  When our only tool is eating (or starving, purging, overexercising, counting calories etc etc etc ), we have to rely on this tool for everything that happens in our life.  We get a promotion – Eat!  Have a fight with your sister – Eat!   Your cat dies – Eat!   Nothing to do on a Friday night – Eat!  I know you get the picture! 

So what happened?  Why do we only have 1 tool in our toolbox?    There are four reasons why Eating (or starving etc) became our only tool. 

1)      If we continually use a tool, the tool stays at the top of the toolbox.  After a while, we forget how to use the other tools we have.  For example, you don’t have to risk asserting yourself if you continually numb out angry feelings by eating.

2)      There may have been basic tools that we never learned – our families couldn’t teach us what they didn’t know.  For example, if no one in your family ever spoke up and asserted themselves, you may not have learned how to do this.

3)      On the other hand, our family may have taught us some pretty dysfunctional tools that don’t work very well at all.  For example, if you learned that if people loved you they would just “know” what is bothering you , you would try to make people read your mind rather than telling them what you need or want.

4)      This reason is going to contradict what I just said above.  Even though I say Eating (starving, etc.) is our only tool – we actually have lots of tools.  We are already good at problem solving, compassion, reassurance, kindness, and many, many others.  It’s just that we use these tools for other people, and don’t use them for ourselves.   We may say we don’t deserve to treat ourselves in a positive way.

It is possible to learn new tools and un-learn old dysfunctional tools.  With practice the new tools will become familiar and become our “go to” coping tool.   And if we stop using Eating (starving, etc) as a tool to deal with everything that happens in life, this tool with sift to the bottom of the toolbox.   And if you don’t use this tool, eventually using Eating (starving, etc) will be foreign to us as well.  

If you would like to learn 10 Recovery Tools to put in your Recovery Toolbox, please join Nutritionist Michel Harris and I on Saturday 9/20/14 from 12:300-4:30pm. 

For more information, please click link below.

Namaste,

Amy Grabowski

Amy is the Director of The Awakening Center – which she Founded 20 years ago!  She has over 30 years of personal recovery experience!

For more information:  http://campaign.r20.constantcontact.com/render?ca=db1fc7da-7bdd-441e-bf4c-0a3a1319424c&c=8f179bf0-1f0a-11e3-85e8-d4ae527b8053&ch=4133a600-2994-11e4-9282-d4ae529cde13

Filling Your Recovery Toolbox

We turn to our toolboxes when we need to work on a broken piece of furniture or other household item, but what do we turn to when we need to work on ourselves? In an excerpt from her recently finished and upcoming book Imagine Being at Peace, founder of The Awakening Center Amy Grabowski shares with us tools to add to your recovery toolbox so that when you need to work on you, you are prepared.

….Now it is time to fill our Recovery Toolbox with the resources, skills and tools necessary to handle whatever Life dishes out. Why? Because Life is not going to always cooperate! When I was in my eating disorder, I believed that it was only because I was weak or defective that things happened to me. I thought that if I was perfect then Life would be perfect and I would never have any problems. Huh?! Yeah, right!

In the beginning of therapy I will ask a new client to tell me what she sees when she imagines being recovered. It often sounds like a fairy tale: “When I am recovered, I’ll always eat normally. I’ll be thin and happy. People will like me. Everything will work out in my life.” I feel like the mean Ogre when I tell them, “That sounds really nice and I hate to burst your bubble, but… Sometimes life throws a truckload of lemons at us, and you can only drink so much lemonade! Everything will not always work out. Not everyone will like you and you are not always going to be happy.”

Before they get discouraged and flee from my office, I go on to explain, “Its normal for people to have thoughts, feelings and reactions. You are going to continue to have thoughts, feelings and reactions; many of these will be pleasant. But some of them will be uncomfortable. The difference will be that you will have many very effective tools in your Recovery Toolbox to take care of this discomfort. Therefore, you will not need to turn to your Eating Disorder every time Life does not cooperate.”

Life doesn’t always cooperate for anyone. We are all humans living in a human world. There are thousands of things in Life that we just don’t have control over. And when something goes wrong, it could just be that it’s your turn for Life to dish it out on you. Life is an ‘Equal Opportunity Disher-Outer.’

When we are Self-led, when we have a driver on our bus, then we can use our resources, skills and tools to steer around most of what Life throws at us. Hmmm, here’s a thought, maybe there’s that bumper sticker on the back of our bus, you know the one that says “S--t Happens!”

When we sacrificed our Self and lost the driver on our bus, Life began to feel uncontrollable. We discovered that food, eating, purging, starving, or exercise gave us a feeling of control, mastery, competence, comfort, or just a way to numb out. Our Eating Disorder became our only tool for coping and feeling in control of Life. As I said in Chapter 4, “When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start to look like nails.”

There are three reasons why our Eating Disorder became our only tool. First, we never learned some basic tools because our family couldn’t teach us what they didn’t know. For example, if there were no role models who could teach you how to speak up for yourself, then you learned to “shut up and put up.”

Secondly, if you continually only use the same tool on the top of a toolbox, after a while you forget how to use any other tools. For example, if you numb out anger with a binge you forget how to speak up when something bothers you.

Third, our family or society may have taught us some tools that don’t work very well. For example, a common but dysfunctional tool among eating disordered clients is ‘Mind Reading’ – not telling others what you feel, because, if they loved you, they would just ‘know’ what is bothering you.

Even though I say the Eating Disorder is our only tool, actually we have lots of tools. When a friend comes to you for help, you are compassionate, reassuring, validating, and can think creatively to solve her problem – and many, many, many other tools. But you don’t use these tools for yourself. Many clients have a Young Part who feels she doesn’t deserve to be treated in a warm and caring way. We need to become aware of the young Parts and work to change her Core Beliefs. Then it will be more natural to use these tools for ourselves…..

Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

Amy will be leading a workshop this Sunday, January 30, 2011 on filling your recovery toolbox. Although this popular workshop is already full Amy can be contacted at (773)-929-6262 x 11 for more information and future dates of this workshop.