True Friendship

Here in Chicago, with our bone chilling winters, we cherish our warm Summer weather as much as possible. Summer is a great time to get together with friends - going to the beach, listening to music at an outdoor concert, playing in a park.
But Life is not always rosy, and friends can be the lifeline we cling to when "Life gives us lemons....." The following blog article "True Friendship" is written by Dr Gulin Guneri. The picture is of Gulin with her good friend Victoria on Gulin's first 4th of July as an American Citizen! Congratulations, Gulin!

Namasté,

Amy

True Friendship

A true friend has your back. They accept the real you with all your quirkiness and insecurities. When you are hard on yourself because you thought you made the “worst mistake in your life” they are right there beside you. They are either a phone call or a cab drive away. After a heart to heart conversation, a true friend reminds you to be kind to yourself. They help you to put things in perspective – your “mistakes” are only part of the learning process that allows you to become a better person. They help you to forgive yourself for not being perfect.

A true friend does not allow you to dwell on the past and replay the scenarios over and over again in your head with “I could have done this!” or “I shouldn’t have said that!” A true friend reminds you that the past is in the past and has no power over you in the now! They help you to focus on the present time so that you can take charge of your life again.

A true friend reminds you that you are not the victim, but you are the conductor who orchestrates your life events. They facilitate the process of finding your inner wisdom as they listen to you calmly, non-judgmentally and with loving care. Because of their existence in your life, you strive to become a better person. A true friend reminds you that the path to happiness and tranquility starts with becoming forgiving, loving, gentle and kind to yourself. And you come to that realization that as you forgive yourself, it becomes easier to forgive others.

If you are having a bad day, pick up the phone and call your true friend. Nobody is a mind reader. If you don’t reach out, your true friend will not know that you needed them in that moment. After a heart to heart conversation on the phone or getting together for a cup of coffee, you do feel relieved as you free yourself from your “punitive self” – the one that judges you for what you have done in the past or agonizes you for “all the bad things” that “can happen” in the future. Do not hesitate to pick up the phone and reach out to your true friend. They will never think that you are a “burden” to them.

In the end, they are your true friend because you reciprocate the loving kindness and respect and care for them. Your true friend is in your life because they also learn from you as you also help them to be in touch with their inner wisdom. They are your true friend because they already know that you got their back!


Gulin Guneri, PsyD
(773) 929-6262 x18

Challenging Your Bad Body Image

While doing yoga at The Peace School* this morning, I noticed how beautiful I felt in my body – not an outer beauty, but a feeling of strength, of being at peace within my body, feeling connected to the bigger picture of my life. As you may know, I have been writing a book, “Imagine Being At Peace with Food, Your Body, Your Self” which is about using “Parts Therapy” to recover from Eating Disorders and Disordered Eating. I’ve been writing this book for a long, long time – it’s embarrassing how long. But, I am very happy to report, I am working on the very last chapter!!! So as my Blog article, I am using an excerpt from the last chapter, “Making Peace with Food and Your Body.” If you all cross your fingers, maybe a publisher will accept it by the New Year. Anyone know a publisher?
Namasté,
Amy

Challenging Your Bad Body Image

……Think way back, why did you start your very first diet? For most of you, feeling ‘Fat’ and being uncomfortable in your own skin was something you’ve felt since you were a kid. In the majority of cases, feeling bad about our bodies was the first symptom of our eating disorder. And unfortunately it is usually the last symptom to go…….
So part of recovery is going to be learning to not trust the negative feelings you have about your body and learning to feed your body as if you did not have these negative feelings, which you will know to be untrue – even though you will still have these feelings for a while. Huh? Clear as mud – right? Don’t worry I’ll try to make this as clear as I can.

We have to admit to ourselves, “Hating my body doesn’t work!” It just makes all the other symptoms worse, much worse! If hating your body actually worked, if it actually motivated you to stop bingeing, then everyone would have ideal bodies.

Body hatred is based on a distorted Body Image. Body Image is the picture you have in your mind of what you think you look like, combined all the judgments and criticisms you have about what you think you look like. It is not based on what you actually look like in reality to all the people in your life. The majority of women (and increasingly men) have a distorted view of their bodies – we do not see ourselves as others see us. I compare this to being color-blind. If a person were color-blind, they would not be able to see some colors the way all other people see them. And they would know this as a fact and would accept that their perception of color was distorted. Let’s say the color-blind person wanted to buy an outfit for a wedding, they would need to rely on someone else’s perception, “Do these colors go together?”

I’m sure you get it so far. Because if you were wearing a lavender dress and one hundred people said to you, “Your dress is lavender,” you would agree with them. But if 100 people said to you, “You’re thin,” you would think, “No, I’m not. They’re just saying that. They don’t know the real me…” One or more Parts of you would not let that information in; these Parts would not trust others’ perceptions (even if they are based in reality).
Why would you not believe others when they tell you how you actually look? Because our Body Image is not only based on what we think we look like, it’s also based on sensations we have inside our bodies. This is the body’s version of Emotional Reasoning: “If I feel it, then it must be true.”

I’m sure you have all had an experience similar to Gabriela who feels good as she talks, laughs and jokes with her co-workers at the office. If you stopped her at this point to ask what she feels about her body, she would actually have to think about it – her body is unimportant and irrelevant at this moment. But then she receives a phone call from her extremely critical boyfriend. After she hangs up she suddenly ‘feels fat’ and decides to skip lunch. If you were with Gabriela, you know she would look no different than she did before the phone call. But Gabriela ‘feels’ different inside her body. Why? Gabriela feels unpleasant body sensations caused by the emotions and thoughts stirred up by the phone conversation – and Gabriela misinterprets these sensations as ‘feeling fat’. Gabriela is not aware that she is actually feeling angry, trapped, helpless, resentful, and sad.

‘Feeling fat’ gives Gabriela a feeling of control, she can do something: she can skip meals, restrict food, eat salads, exercise – she can purge. But if Gabriela acknowledged the emotions and thoughts stirred up when she talked with her boyfriend – it wouldn’t be so easy to control or do. No, she would have to use all the tools in the last two chapters to handle her emotions, change the relationship or accept him as he is.
You have become very skilled at turning emotions and thoughts about other things, people or situations into ‘feeling fat’. In fact you can make yourself feel fat right now. I do this with my clients in my office – I recommend you do this with your therapist or a friend you trust.

Look at the person you are with and have them look at you so you know what they look like. Now, pick a body part – don’t tell each other what part. In your mind, make that body part feel fatter – you know exactly what I mean. Make it feel even fatter. Come on you can do this. Feel it growing and growing. It feels really big now. Look at your friend. Ask your friend if she feels fatter. Does she look different to you? I guarantee she does not. Do you feel fatter? Ask your friend if you look different. I guarantee you look the same to her as well.
Did you feel fat? Yes, you did. You had sensations of that body part getting bigger. But was it real – did your body actually grow or change? No. You experienced real sensations, even though your body did not change at all. The body sensations felt like it, but nothing actually happened. So even though you felt fatter, the feeling is not reflected in reality. I coach my clients to repeat several mantras to themselves every time they feel fat, “I am color-blind. I cannot see myself accurately. I do not look like I feel. I do not look like I think I look.”

I would love to hear your comments or reactions to this excerpt. And I hope you look forward to reading the whole book soon - hopefully very soon!
Peacefully,
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

*The International Association for World Peace, also known as The Peace School, located at 3121 N Lincoln, Chicago, IL 60657, teaches Peace Breathing, Meditation, Massage, Self-Defense and Yoga. They sponsor Peace Day at the Daley Plaza in downtown Chicago in September of each year. Check out their website: www.peaceschool.org or call them at (773) 248-7959.

Living Life Rather Than Getting Through It

I had the privilege of getting away for a long weekend and finally enjoying the sun, sand, and water that I so look forward to as summer rolls in. Before the trip I had a feeling of restless anticipation, a sense of really needing to get away from the day to day craziness of Chicago. I felt like a little kid sitting by the door saying “Can we go yet?”

I wondered why I was so anxious to get away. As I settled into the first day of the vacation I began to slow down and enjoy all the benefits of vacation. Having no set schedule, nowhere to be, and no one expecting anything from me, I quickly settled into the leisurely pace of the small beach community. I soaked up the sun, read a great book, and enjoyed the peaceful flow of the waves. I began to realize how relaxed I felt and how good it was to just slow down. I noticed things that often get overlooked. The gorgeous blue sky, the pure joy on my dog’s face as he chased a Frisbee around the beach, the gestures of love and connection from my friends.

I had the sense of being reminded of what it is like to really be in the moment. So often I encourage clients and challenge myself to take time, give ourselves what we need, notice what we are feeling and needing, and appreciate all the many gifts of the day. Well these few days away from my routine were a great reminder of that. I felt like a bit of a different person, more connected and more at peace. You can argue it was because I was on vacation but this same sense of being doesn’t always settle into every vacation.

As I returned home I began to think of ways that I could emulate this vacation experience. I realized how many choices in my day that keep me from having this sense of peace and connection with myself. I too often don’t give myself enough time and end up feeling rushed, always a few minutes behind schedule or screeching in right on time. I make lists that I feel like have to be done today, right now as if the world will end if everything isn’t taken care of. I choose mindless distractions rather than things that will really enrich my day. I let the tasks of the day or frustrations of the day interfere with really connecting and just being with others.

The time away was not just a few days to get refreshed, enjoy a place I love and people I love. It was a reminder to slow down in every day of life and start to incorporate these little things throughout my days so I can have that same sense of peace and connection. Creating the time and space for ourselves is so crucial and yet so often gets pushed to the side. I wonder what things you may want to incorporate into your days and also consider what aspects of the day interfere with this time needed for ourselves. I hope a few moments of a peaceful lazy summer day can be incorporated to both my days and yours.

Jennifer Schurman, MA, LPC

Jen sees individuals, couples and families for therapy as well as leads the Monday evening Eating Disorder Therapy Group. She can be reached at (773) 929-6262 x 20 if you would like more information.

"Stillness"

Friday, while driving back from visiting my parents in Wisconsin I hit a blinding thunderstorm! Traffic came to an almost standstill while the rain came down in buckets! Leaves and branches were blowing across the streets! It took much longer than usual, but finally we made it home. The neighbors tree was down in their yard – but we were safe and unharmed.
The next morning when I went out to walk the dog the sky was clear and blue. It was a pleasant temperature and there was little wind. How serene! How tranquil! What a difference from the night before!
Erin Diedling has written a blog article about Inner Stillness. I hope it helps you find the serenity and tranquility within you!
Namasté,
Amy
PS to all dads out there – “Happy Father’s Day”

It’s more than just a Travel Channel ad: "Stillness"

A friend asked me recently what I’d be doing on a recent vacation. I responded with great joy and a big smile, a resounding, “nothing”.

Our culture values doing and productivity. It’s our right as Americans to do and be productive. We take pride in and give value to being a productive nation – and rightly so. As a culture, we’re wonderfully productive. And in order to keep up with the value of doing and productivity, we have these remarkable vending outlets for caffeine to help us keep doing all day…Starbux, 5 Hour Energy, Red Bull, sodas, etc.

And then, there is the less often valued concept of stillness. Stillness is just as immediate as a caffeine fix, (perhaps even more so if you wait for the caffeine to take effect) but it is so elusive. What is this stillness? What is the calm, tranquility, the peace of it? How do you get to it?
Often we fear the stillness because it seems that there is something in between oneself and the availability of the still experience. This is often true of much of the eating disorder behaviors we treat at The Awakening Center. The behaviors are often well-intentioned but misguided attempts to get to a point of stillness.

When I teach meditation, this is the messy thing. Everything that stands in the way of the person being still will come up. Some traditions call it the “monkey mind”. One way to get past the messiness of moving toward stillness is to think of stillness as an anchored boat (your presence of mind) and think of the anxious thoughts as nothing more than waves passing by.
Stillness is all about non-doing. Stillness is a way of being (vs. the oft applauded doing). Getting to stillness seems such a nice concept in theory, but how do we get to stillness? There are those rare people, you know who you are, who seem to have a grace or a peace about their very nature. For the rest of us, stillness, non-movement, non-doing may begin with a decision – a simple intention to be still.

Stillness often involves being grounded in the present moment. Some ways I’ve seen that work for people to get into the present moment and find stillness:
***Taking a deep breath or even letting out a sigh has physiological impact that allows for stillness.
***Noticing beauty, in the color of the sky, a type of intrigue in architecture, or a flower growing next to the sidewalk, seeing a meaningful exchange between two people, stopping for a pedestrian at a crosswalk and simply noticing. In the city, design is a form of beauty and allows us an opportunity to be present.
***In a Tich Nhat Han book, the buddhist monk describes the tail lights on a car at a stop light as the eyes of the Buddha smiling.
***Being present with the smell, taste and texture of food.
***Doodling gets a mixed review, but actually allows the higher part of the mind to be present and free.
***Journaling can be a gateway to stillness by allowing one to be in the moment with emotions and thoughts.
***Bathing – water is a gateway to stillness that speaks at profound levels.
***Sitting with our breath and noticing our breath.
***Something as simple as feeling wrapped in a blanket or resting on a pillow and the noticing the texture, warmth, feel of it. Allowing oneself to be comforted by the feel of it.

What are the ways that bring you to stillness? When have you felt still? How can you bring more of that into your life. What do you get to have if you allow more stillness into your life? Maybe you can give yourself permission to bring in the still. You’re worth it!

Namasté.
Erin Diedling, MEd, LPC
(773) 929-6262 x19

Check Your Time

I recently finished reading A Whole New Mind, by Daniel H. Pink, which makes an argument for why right-brained individuals are at an advantage in our evolving society, particularly in the world of work. Throughout the book, Mr. Pink supplies ideas and resources that are meant to assist readers in developing the right-brain and its creative aptitudes.

One aspect Mr. Pink identifies is the seemingly gradual shift from the focus on and emphasis of material things towards the importance of finding meaning in one’s life. He offers a simple exercise that I want to share.

Called “Check Your Time,” this task is meant to examine whether or not our daily routines reflect our genuine hopes and dreams. To begin, make a short list of the people, activities and values that are most important to you. Try to keep it brief, noting no more than 10 items. Then, think back through the past month and approximate how many hours over the past four weeks you spent doing something linked to one of the priorities you listed.

When I did this activity over a month ago, it was hard not to notice that many of my daily goings-on did not reflect what I truly value. As a result, I decided to change some of my behaviors and made a conscious effort to incorporate activities into my life that better matched the items on my “important list.” The shift has not been that difficult, as I’m actually living more in line with what I most value and have been feeling more fulfilled in both my personal and professional life.

I encourage you to give this exercise a try. In addition to identifying areas where your values don’t match your time, it will also serve to highlight when your values are in harmony with the way you choose to spend your days. Ideally, checking your time will provide you with an honest assessment and lead to a more meaningful existence.

Warmly,

Katie Anson, MA, LPC

Honoring our Parents

The other day I was in the children’s section of a bookstore and I noticed a book titled Mom and Me and another book titled Dad and Me. The books were filled with basic lists of questions for children to ask their parents and for parents to ask their kids. Here are some of the questions: What it is your favorite color? Do you prefer vanilla or chocolate? What is your favorite song? Pizza or pasta? It occurred to me I do not know if my dad prefers pizza or pasta.

While reading the book, a part of me was intrigued by the simple concept. The book caught my attention because I have noticed lately that I want to learn as much as possible about my parents. I want to know about their favorite childhood memories, vacation spots, etc. I think this is because I know there will be a time when they will no longer be with me. I would like to know their stories and life facts as a way to remember them and honor their life and for the next generation of family members to know about them.

Reading this book was also a reminder about the importance of being mindful and enjoying the present moments with my parents. This will help make the future feel less scary and frantic with trying to cram all that I can say and do with my parents. There is a part of me that becomes very sad thinking about my parents not being here. A reason why the book resonated with me is because even though I have known my parents for 32 years, there are still new things to discover about them. When I spend time with them, I look forward to the chance to learn more about their stories and about their lives. I believe this is one of the beautiful things about human relationships, that there is always more to learn about people no matter how well you think you know them.

I do not understand exactly what it is like to be responsible for another human being. In my eyes, being a parent is one of the most self-sacrificing acts a person can do in his/her life. This is especially the case because parent-child relationships go through many transitions. I have noticed that my relationship with my parents has come full circle. I remember being little and if I fell down, a hug or kiss from mom or dad made everything feel better. I recall being an adolescent and distancing myself from my parents because they did not “get” me. I also recall how devastated I was the first time I discovered my perceived all-knowing parents could not help me with my algebra homework. I also remember in college when a relationship went awry, I called my mom instead of a friend. I realized she has so much more wisdom on relationships from being married for forty years than any of my friends.

For parents to continue providing unconditional love to their children throughout these life changes is a special gift. As I become older, I have gained more perspective on the cycles of my relationship with my parents. As I have seen with friends and family members, having one supportive parent can have positive long- term effects on someone’s life. I realize how fortunate I am to have two living parents that love me unconditionally.

Parents can make us feel like the most important people in the world. Parents can believe in us when others do not. They may love us despite our flaws. Parents can help ground us when life changes are happening. When times are tough, they can encourage us to be brave. Parents can teach us life lessons. I am not into Hallmark holidays, but many parents deserve to be celebrated more than once a year, not just on Mother’s or Father’s Day. Happy Parent’s Day, each and every day!

Warmly,

Kristy Hatch

Kristy is an intern at TAC. She leads the Saturday Anad Support Group.