What Do You Value?

What Do You Value?
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

I want you to stop reading right now, go get a pen and several sheets of paper. Then I want you to turn off your judgments, thoughts and fears. Close your eyes and go inward to a quiet place inside you, to a calm feeling of wisdom, a place that just “knows” what is best for you. And from that place, answer the following three questions.

1) What would you have to do or accomplish between now, May 2000, and the year you are 99 years old, in order for you to sit back and say “Ah, that was a good life” ?

2) What would you like your friends to say at your eulogy? What do you want them to remember about you?

3) If you only had six months to live (active and healthy for all that time), how would you spend it?

This is an exercise I often give to my clients. It helps us clarify what is important to us, what are our values, what our goals are. Most people have specific goals in mind. They want to have satisfying careers and fulfilling relationships. Some know that they want to get married and have children. Many want to make the world a better place, to help others. Almost all want their friends to remember them as being generous, loving, caring, kind, a good listener, fun, having a sense of humor. For the last six months of their life, most would travel, take risks, have fun, spend time with loving friends and family.

In the 14 years that I have been treating women with eating disorders, not once did a client say: “I want to be on the cover of Cosmo*. I want my friends to remember I wore a size 2, and I’d spend the last six months of my life over-exercising and starving myself.” But to look at how we live our lives, that is what appears to be important, what we value most.

Usually these things become important because we’ve never stopped to think about what we value, deep inside. When we sacrifice our “selves” to please others we often lose a sense of purpose, meaning and direction in life. When we reclaim our sense of self, we can live each day according to our own beliefs, values and with a direction to achieve what is important to us.

When I was in the midst of my eating disorder, I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, what I liked or valued. I based my behavior on who was around me, often feeling like a chameleon, changing to fit my surroundings. My lack of direction made me feel out of control, at the fate of those around me. Because I felt so empty inside, I invested a lot of energy in my appearance, what I ate, how thin I could be.

During my recovery, I had to rediscover who I was, what I believed in. It was through this inner discovery process that I realized that I was good at helping others and I wanted to make a difference in the world. When I reclaimed these parts of myself, I felt my life had a direction and a purpose. I could then live my life mindfully, emphasizing what was really important to me. Rather than starving myself, I reminded myself that feeding my body was important so that it could do the things I needed to do in order to accomplish my goals. Instead of filling my mind with calculations of fat grams, calories or exercise reps, I filled my mind with knowledge about the things I valued. In place of worrying about whether I was the fattest or thinnest woman in the room, I decided to stop “competing”. I concentrated on talking to others on a genuine human-to-human level.

Look at what you wrote. How can you live your life according to your values on a daily basis? What can you do to become mindful of what is really important to you in the long run? What thoughts do you need to replace because they are not conducive to achieving your goals?

I encourage you to live each day to the fullest, mindful of what is really important to you.

The Four Stages of Learning

The Four Stages of Learning 
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

One night in the Tuesday ANAD support group, a member excitedly talked about something she learned in her business class: The 4 Stages of Learning: 1) Unconscious Incompetence, 2) Conscious Incompetence, 3) Conscious Competence, and 4) Unconscious Competence. The first, “Unconscious Incompetence”, was described as being “blissful”. In this stage you can’t do something, but you are unaware that you can’t do it. Imagine a very small child happily playing a “song” on a piano. Then you move into the second stage “Conscious Incompetence” which is the most painful. It is the stage where you know you can’t do something, but don’t know how to fix it. Remember your first piano lesson and how awful you knew you sounded? The third stage “Conscious Competence” lasts the longest. You have to consciously work on the problem, deliberately choosing tools, making mindful effort everyday. Everything you do feels awkward and unnatural. This is like practicing the piano hour after hour on a difficult passage of music. The fourth and final stage is “Unconscious Competence”. This is where you can do something effortlessly and without thinking about it. It has become natural and second nature to you. A pianist playing a familiar piece of music from memory would be an example of this stage. A person would occasionally move back into the third stage, work on a problem consciously, then move back into the fourth stage. The group realized that the minute they realized they had a problem they were in the Conscious Incompetence stage, and they found this stage very painful and frustrating. Some who were farther along in their recovery felt that they were in the Conscious Competence stage, that everything was awkward and unnatural and had to be deliberately worked on. It was hopeful to also point out that the women who were in the group the longest said that they felt they had one foot in the last stage, Unconscious Competence, some of the parts of recovery were beginning to feel second nature and they didn’t have to think about it so much. The group discussed some of the skills necessary to recover and how hard it was to keep working mindfully and consciously in the “Conscious Competence” stage. Many acknowledged how hard it was to not give up when things didn’t feel natural after a short while. We realized that since we tended to be perfectionistic it was hard to stick to doing something that didn’t come naturally. We may have the best of intentions, but after the initial excitement of trying something new wore off many gave up after 3 to 5 days. Everyone started thinking of new possibilities when I told them that it took 21 days to make or break a habit. Maybe if they kept that timeframe in mind it would help them to stick to something, even though it didn’t feel comfortable or natural. I reminded them not to overwhelm themselves and try to take on too much at once. Sometimes we need to work on just one thing at a time. So we decided to make it a challenge, to pick one thing and to do it consistently for 21 days. It could be something very simple such as “I am going to repeat an affirmation every morning”. Or it could be risky and scary, such as “I will eat breakfast every morning, no matter what I’ve done the night before.” A little harder one might be “I will ask my critical part to talk to me like I would talk to a friend.” In the next newsletter I will let you know the results of our experiment. (If you want to try along with us, please remember to make your challenge something that you need to stretch to get to, but within a realistic reach.

From Critic to Ally

From Critic to Ally
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

In my last article, “ABCD and Dirty Coffee Filters” (Jan. ‘98) I mentioned that we need to turn our internal critic “into an ally, like a friendly coach or manager who will work with us instead of against us”. I realized, by the comments I got that I might as well have been telling you to sprout wings and fly. “How do you turn the critic into an ally? . . . All I get from my critic is a constant stream of verbal abuse - it’s as far from a friendly manager as I can get.” 

I am going to attempt to outline the steps that I use to help my clients work with their critic to sort out a cooperative, more productive relationship. (I urge you to work with a therapist to do this, because if the critical part feels threatened it may become even more extreme in its negative behavior.)  Before we can change our relationship with the critic, we have to stop wanting to get rid of it. I ask the client to imagine what would happen if the critic ceased to be, if there were absolutely no criticisms in her head. The first reaction is usually a feeling of relief, freedom, or lightness. My next question is “What would go haywire if your critic were gone?” “I would be a slug. I’d never amount to anything. I would be rude and not care about others” are common answers. By establishing that we need our critic, and are not going to get rid of it, our critic will not feel threatened and will be more likely to cooperate with us. 

So our first step is to quiet down and listen to the critic in a non-judgmental, impartial way. When I suggest this my clients often look very surprised! “You want me to listen to the critic?!” That’s exactly what they have not wanted to do for a long time. I work with the premise that all of our parts have a positive intention for us: deep down inside all of our parts really want something good for us. But, often the ways they act out these positive intentions cause negative outcomes. By listening and trying to uncover the critic’s positive intention for us, we are attempting to change the relationship we have with our critic.

After listening to the critic, I instruct my client to ask the critic what it is trying to accomplish for her (the client). I have my client imitate the critic’s voice and inflection. At first, the critic’s voice is harsh and loud, “I have to keep harping on her over and over so she won’t screw up so much.” (Sound familiar?) I will repeatedly ask, “But what are you trying to do for her?” I usually will get a pattern of answers like, “I don’t want her to make so many mistakes ......I’m trying to make her more productive.......I’m trying to help her become a better person......I just want her to be happy.” With each progressive question and answer the critic’s voice usually becomes softer, gentler, and more nurturing. I explain to the client that it wasn’t what the critic was trying to say that felt so bad, it was how it was saying it. Often our critic spoke to us in this manner because it was how we were spoken to when we were younger, it was the only way the critic learned how to speak to us. It continued to speak to us in this way, because often we wouldn’t listen to it when it spoke to us in any other way. Over time it adapted a more and more extremely negative voice in order to get our attention.

When we have uncovered the critic’s positive intention, to be happy, then I ask the client if she wants that too. Almost always, the answer is yes. That’s when I suggest to both the client and her critic that they work together to accomplish their common goal, rather than continue to fight each other. “What you’re doing isn’t working, so why not try something different?” 

We try to approach it as a “Science Experiment”, for an amount of time, and if it doesn’t work, she and the critic can always go back to their old pattern. Sometimes when it doesn’t feel so permanent, it seems easier to try something new.

We set up an agreement between the client and the critic: the critic is to speak to the client in the soft, gentler, nurturing voice and the client will listen and consider what the critic has said. If the critic slips and speaks in the loud and harsh manner, the client is to gently remind the critic of their agreement. If the client doesn’t listen to the critic when it is soft, gentle and nurturing, it is allowed to “call her on it”.

The critic needs to learn to use language that is rational, rather than the distorted thinking patterns that can be so abusive. I recommend reading Feeling Good by David Burns. By practicing daily the exercises in the book, speaking to yourself in a calm and rational manner will become second nature over time. 

Imagine, a new, productive, and cooperative relationship with your critic. Your critic would be like a manager urging you to move forward in your life, and you would feel like you were making progress towards your life’s goals. You would be able to go about your life doing the best you could without constantly running yourself down about not being “perfect”. If you did slip up, the critic would gently reprimand you in a way that would enhance learning from your mistake, so you would be less likely to repeat it. Your fear of making mistakes would be almost non-existent. The critic would feel less harried and more satisfied because real progress would be made. You can do it! Keep working at it! You’re worth it!

Changing "The Game"

Changing "The Game" 
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

"Whenever I talk to her, my mom turns every conversation into something about herself. I feel so unimportant, like I'm not good enough."

"I hate it when my dad drinks. He gets so sarcastic, it makes me feel so bad. I avoid going home at all costs, and when I do I'm so uptight that I end up eating too much."

As a therapist I am often asked by my clients how they can stop someone from saying or doing certain things that make them feel bad about themselves. I usually recommend Harriet Lerner's book The Dance of Anger, in which, as I mentioned in the last newsletter, she describes relationships as circular dances, where each person's dance steps perpetuates and reinforces the other person's dance steps. By changing our own dance steps we can change the whole dance.

Deep inside, I know that isn't what they really want. Essentially they are asking me how to change or control the other person. It is very difficult for us to accept that we really, truly cannot change other people, nor can we control anything that they do or say. But, on a lighter note, there is something that we can do to protect ourselves from other people's peculiarities, problems or character traits; what I call "quirks". A long time ago, I invented "The Game" to cope with my family while I was recovering. Everytime I visited my family, I was on guard the whole time, waiting to fend off what I felt was the onslaught of "barbs". Little things everyone did or said drove me crazy, made me feel bad about myself and usually, I ended up turning to some kind of negative behavior on my part. Somewhere in my recovery I decided that I needed to accept the fact that I could not change or control these people. I needed to separate my self and my self-esteem from their quirks. And so, "The Game" was born. When I recently taught "The Game" to one of the groups at The Awakening Center, many of the women were laughing hysterically as I described it to them. The game can be as low key or dramatic as you want to in your mind. You can imagine a game show host and an announcer who may say "Our next contes tant is Mary Smith from Chicago, Illinois!" Then the crowd applauds as you step onto a brightly lit stage with flashing lights and buzzers. The object of the game is to accurately predict in advance what certain members of your family will do; not what you would like them to do or what you think they "should" do, but what you know deep down they really will do. For example, if your father always gets sarcastic if he drinks, your prediction may be that he will make a negative comment after you arrive. Or if your mother turns every conversation into something about herself, you may predict that she changes the subject when you bring up a topic. So before each visit you sit down and list your predictions of what you think will actually happen.

Next, you need to pick a prize if you predicted correctly. It can be something funny such as a trip to Paris, a years supply of pantyhose or a refrigerator/freezer. Or you may choose something nurturing like a long novel. One client paid herself money for each prediction which she then saved up for a massage when she got home.

Now for the "hard part", when you are in the midst of the family visit: you need to remind yourself of "The Game" and of your predictions. It helps to be more objective if you can picture the stage, the lights, the voice of the announcer etc. As the game begins, you anticipate with excitement for your predictions to happen. When your father answers the door with a negative remark, you hear the audience break into applause while bells and buzzers ring to let you know you scored a point in "round one". Instead of dreading your dad's attitude, you can say "Yes! I won a bubble bath!" Rather than being on guard because your mom will talk only about herself, you can actually look forward to it so that you can collect your next prize. (No fair cheating! Offering your father a drink or asking your mom a question about herself is not fair!)

A lot of times people give me real strange looks right about now. "Why would I look forward to my mother's incessant talk about herself? Why should I anticipate my father's attitude?" Because since we have no control over what they say or do, and in reality you know they are going to do it anyway, we can only change how we feel about it rather than let it in and hurt us. We are separating our selves and our self-esteem from their quirks. Eventually you will be able to take these quirks for granted as part of them, not as a reflection of your worth as a person. If my mother talks only about herself, that says something about her, not me. If my father drinks too much, that's his problem, not mine.

By separating from their quirks, you are giving their quirks back to them and not blaming yourself. Their quirks are not your fault, they are not your problem to solve or control, just as their height or their hair color is not your fault or your problem.

The by-product of playing this game is that you accept them as the people they really are, not spend wasted energy blaming them for who they aren't and never will be. You also let go of your own guilt that it somehow is your fault, or that you are to blame.

As their quirks lose their "barbs", you may find as I have that your visits can become more enjoyable. My parents and I have the best relationship now than we ever had. I do not take their quirks personally. And because I have stopped reacting as I did in the past, (as I changed my dance steps and therefore the dance) they don't do their quirks as often and some have even been eliminated. Some quirks I actually find humorous and amusing now. Thus, by changing my own attitude towards their quirks, I accomplished what I wanted in the beginning, a pleasant and meaningful relationship with my parents.

ABCD and Dirty Coffee Filters

ABCD and Dirty Coffee Filters 
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

"Someone at work made a comment and before I knew it I was convinced that everyone at the office hated me. I felt so bad that I cried all night." "I don't know what happened. I was feeling OK and then all of a sudden I felt depressed and worthless. I ended up eating all evening."

Sound familiar? My clients tell stories like this all the time. I usually ask them to examine the event and look at what thoughts flashed through their head immediately before the feeling. Even if we are not consciously aware of it, the way that we think about things that happen to us effect the way we feel about ourselves. Often these thoughts are full of distortions and old messages. I recommend a book FEELING GOOD by David Burns which helps to recognize and change our distorted thinking. But I think we have to look even deeper and change the core-beliefs we have about ourselves. I often tell a story that actually happened to me many years ago: I was waiting for an elevator. When the elevator doors opened, a male co-worker stepped out, looked at me, gasped, made a weird face at me and hurried off without saying hello. If this happened to you, how would you react? Most people say they would think, "I must have done something wrong to make him mad at me." "He must think I'm fat." or "He doesn't like me." Consequently they would feel self-doubt, bad about themselves, self-conscious and very self-critical. This would effect what they do the rest of the day. These negative feelings about themselves would make them withdraw or isolate themselves, and lead to binge eating or self-loathing.

After I tell my story, (I'll tell you how it really turned out later), I write ABCD on a piece of paper. A stands for Action: what happened, the actual events: in this case, the man making a face and hurrying off. (These events may or may not be under our control.) C is for Consequence: what we think about what happens and how we feel: "He's mad" and feeling bad. D is for what we Do: how the consequences shape our future behavior: isolating and withdrawal.

I purposely skipped B because our brains process things so fast, we go from Action to Consequence so quickly that we usually are not aware of B. B is our Belief System, what we say about ourselves deep in our core, what our identity is based upon. Many times if we go inside, we will find a small voice that truly believes "There's something inherently wrong with me." "I'm really not good enough." or "I am not likeable or lovable." Most clients would never say things like this about another person, yet regularly think this way about themselves.

Why do we think these things about ourselves? Our belief system is like a coffee filter. When things happen, events trickle through our belief system and the consequence is what comes out, effecting what we do. Our belief system (coffee filter) is full of old messages we received about ourselves when we were children. These messages come from many sources: our culture, society, religion, family, friends, teachers, relatives, etc. These messages may have been very subtle, i.e. a teacher who only chooses boys for the answers in math may be giving a young girl the message that "Girls can't succeed in math." Or only seeing skinny women on TV gives the message that "Women must be skinny to be loved. I'll never get married if I gain weight." If a parent was always angry or depressed, some children "hear" messages that say "You aren't good enough to make me happy." For some, the messages received from their dysfunctional families were very direct: "You'll never amount to anything." Repeated over and over again, children internalize these messages without question to form their belief system.

When we have a lot of negative self-beliefs it is like a very dirty coffee filter. If you never changed your coffee filter, the coffee would taste awful. Since we haven't changed our belief system in a long long time, the thoughts and feelings we have about ourselves make us feel awful. In order to feel better about ourselves we need to "clean our coffee filter": change our core belief to healthy self-enhancing ones.

In order to this, we usually need to work with a therapist who is trained in this process. If we try to do this alone, our critical parts may take over and agree with the part that is saying "I'm worthless", thus reinforcing and perpetuating these negative self-beliefs. Often we need someone who can help us mediate between the critic and the "worthless" part so that the two don't become even more extreme in their negative beliefs. We need to turn the critic into an ally, like a friendly coach or manager who will work with us instead of against us. We can ask the coach/manager to positively motivate us so we can accomplish what we really want out of life. Then, with empathy and nurturance we can help the "worthless" part to let go of the burden of worthlessness. (Babies are NOT born hating themselves! And neither were you.) Without the burden of worthlessness, this part can become what it was meant to be: free, playful, allowing us to have fun and see life as enjoyable again.

Breaking Anxiety's Grip

Breaking Anxiety's GripAmy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

"My heart beats so fast that it feels like it will explode out of my chest..." "A feeling of doom washes over me. Everything looks bleak and scary...." "My thoughts start to race... What if? What if? What if?"

When I was 19, I started to feel anxious and have panic attacks. Looking for help, I described how I was feeling to a doctor. He blankly diagnosed panic attacks, handed me a prescription for a tranquilizer and walked out. I felt alone, like some kind of shameful freak.

What I really needed from him, I didn't get: an explanation, and some reassurance that I was going to be OK.

When clients come to me with anxiety, I help them heal themselves in four ways. First, I give them reassurance that they are definitely NOT alone with these feelings. Anxiety is the #1 reason Americans seek counseling. Secondly, I help them understand anxiety, how it develops, and how to feel more "in control" of it.

Third, I teach them ways to help them stop the anxiety spiral. Then fourth, they learn how to comfort the "part" of themselves that becomes anxious. Anxiety is excessive worry that is difficult to control. It causes: restlessness, being keyed up, feeling on edge, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability, muscle tension, difficulty falling or staying asleep, or restless unsatisfying sleep. (If you think about it, most people in our high pressure society feel anxious.)

Panic attacks are periods of intense fear or discomfort, with physical symptoms that develop abruptly and reach a peak within 10 minutes. These symptoms include: pounding heart, sweating, trembling, shortness of breath, feeling of choking, nausea, abdominal distress, dizziness, faintness, feelings of unreality or being detached from oneself, fear of losing control, fear of going crazy, fear of dying, numbness, tingling, chills or hot flushes.

When you understand anxiety, it becomes less frightening and then can be dealt with in a calmer more logical manner. Anxiety is an instinctual survival mechanism - developed millions of years ago. When Ms Cavewoman saw a sabertooth tiger, her brain registered a "threat", and activated her "fight or flight response". Her body gives her a squirt of adrenaline to make her heart beat faster, lungs breathe more rapidly, thoughts come more quickly, and her muscles to tense up - so that she could fight or flee. This is all well and fine if I am about to be hit by a Northbound Lincoln Avenue bus. That automatic squirt of adrenaline burns off as I run for my life.

But, most "threats" in today's society are abstract. Our brain cannot tell the difference between a real threat and an "imagined" threat. So when we think "Oh no! What if I gain weight?" or "Oh my God! My boss won't like me if I speak up!" we get the same automatic squirt of adrenaline - even though you would never start a fistfight or flee in terror.

Worse yet, we notice our bodies' symptoms and think "Oh no! I'm shaking! What if someone notices?" Our mind sees this as another threat, and before you know it, squirt! - another dose of adrenaline. This speeds up our bodies and minds even faster. When this is noticed, "Oh my God! What's wrong with me?" - (you guessed it) squirt, more adrenaline. And so on, and so on. To stop this out of control cycle, we need to recognize anxiety in our bodies. I often ask clients, "Where in your body do you feel anxiety? What does it feel like?" If your first anxiety symptom is a "lurch" in your stomach, then the next time it occurs you may recognize it and process it in a way that avoids the out-of-control-spiral.

Deep breathing exercises, visualizations, and other techniques can halt the anxiety spiral. For example, visualize the most calming color imaginable, and then the color of your anxiety. Take a deep breath in through your nose, and imagine that you "breathe in" your calm color. When you breathe out through your mouth, "exhale" anxiety. As you breathe in your calm color, imagine yourself in a calm setting, such as a beach, a cabin or anywhere that feels safe. As you exhale your anxiety, imagine that it floats away from you like smoke or confetti in the wind.

Since anxiety tends to make us zoom into the future, especially with "What if" thoughts, introducing a "mantra", a calming phrase that is repeated over and over, can be very reassuring. A mantra such as "Right now, this moment, I am not in danger" can bring us back to the present.

Sometimes just identifying that we are feeling anxiety and are having body symptoms, (but without the catastrophizing), can be calming. For example, "OK, I'm having body symptoms. So what? Nothing's going to happen" After doing all this for a while, you will feel in control of the anxiety by breaking the upward spiral of symptoms that had you in anxiety's grip. But it is not enough to just control the physical symptoms of anxiety. To finally stop the anxiety from reoccurring, you must address the underlying issues that started the anxiety originally, - usually with the help of a licensed counselor.

For each person, these underlying issues are unique. Yours may be based on family dynamics from years ago, or a trauma that never fully healed. Whatever the cause, the process of resolving these issues is the same. Feel a bit of the anxiety. Then visualize this feeling as a "part" of you who needs something from you. Often this part will be a younger version of you that is stuck in the past, and can't move forward because it did not get what it needed then.

If you imagine sitting next to this part, you may feel empathy and compassion for the part. Ask the part what it needs from you, what words it wants to hear more than anything else. Often the parts wants validation, acceptance, and reassurance -- phrases like: "Its OK to feel this way." "You are still good enough even though you're scared." "It's going to be all right." and "You are not alone." Write these phrases down on a card and pull out your card whenever you need to calm down.

When the part is calmed down, then you, your adult self, can take care of what caused you to become anxious in the first place. It sounds easy, but it does require work and persistence on your part. Using the guidance of a licensed counselor, you can finally resolve these underlying issues. Breaking the grip of anxiety will spiral you upwards -- to happiness, health and success!

Anger, The Misunderstood Emotion

Anger, The Misunderstood Emotion
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

A long time ago, I read an article called "Anger Is Your Friend." I thought the author was daft. How could an emotion as scary and taboo as anger be your friend?! I don't remember the actual article, but it started me thinking about anger. And my fascination with the subject spurred my own healing of this misunderstood emotion. Of all the emotions, anger is the one that many people fear and avoid the most.

What is anger? Anger is just one emotion in the full spectrum of emotions, just as blue is one color in the full spectrum of colors. And just as there are many shades of blue, there are many shades of anger, from mildly irritated to violently rageful.

Anger is usually a defense reaction to situations in which our "self" feels threatened. It is a natural, healthy emotion; we are born with it. When we were babies, if someone took our rattle, we got angry. We would scream in order to get our rattle back. When our rattle was returned to us, we learned that anger is useful and productive.

When expressed in appropriate ways, anger can be very constructive. By listening to our anger we can learn about ourselves. Anger tells us how we want to be treated and when we feel mistreated. It tells us about our boundaries and our limits. It can help us enhance our sense of self, and help us to know ourselves better. Resolving anger can help us to change negative patterns and to feel in charge of our lives.

Here's an example of a situation in which anger is expressed in a healthy way. Something happens that makes someone angry. The ones involved (and only those involved) express their anger in a way that says "I am angry at something you did. Here's what I want to happen. What do you need in order to help me make this happen?" The issue is then discussed until a mutual feeling of compromise has been reached. Both parties in the issue come out ahead; its a win-win situation. Through this interaction, anger is seen as something positive that helps resolve problems.

But anger can be uncomfortable and scary. First, society discourages us from expressing anger. If we get angry, we are thought of as crazy or out of control. Women are especially discouraged from expressing anger. When women get angry they are labeled as a "bitch" or "hormonal" and weak.

Secondly, many of us fear anger because of family patterns that taught us that anger is frightening, destructive or even dangerous.

In the first case, families avoid anger like the plague. Any hint of anger may have been met with "Don't you raise your voice to me, young lady!" or some other message that said that anger was not OK. In response we learned to rationalize our anger away. "They didn't really mean it......I shouldn't feel angry." In our attempt to talk ourselves out of being angry, we created a conflict inside ourselves. "I shouldn't feel angry, but I do feel angry. Therefore there must be something wrong with me." We spend a lot of time and energy avoiding anger. We ask ourselves "Do I have a right to be angry?" This would be like asking yourself "Do I have a right to see the color blue?"

When we suppress or rationalize our anger, we fail to learn an important lesson: anger can change and to resolve problems which gives us a feeling of personal power and control in our lives.

In the second case, all anger is expressed in an explosive and destructive way. In some families, any minor offense was met with name calling, shaming, screaming and yelling, or worse, hitting and physical abuse. While anger was expressed more freely than in the anger-phobic family not only was it much more destructive and scary, the family members also never learn how to resolve conflicts.

The first step to healthy expression of anger is to learn to stop avoiding it. When we stuff our anger it builds up. Pent-up anger is hard to control and we often will blow up inappropriately. Pent-up anger also builds up until it turns into rage. It is safer if we vent our anger when it is petty irritations. When we take care of our anger as soon as we realize we feel it, it will not build up.

Sometimes in a relationship, we find ourselves repeating unhealthy patterns. It is easy for us to see what how others make us mad. But it is hard for us to see what we are doing that keeps the pattern going. In her book The Dance of Anger Harriet Lerner describes relationships as circular dances. Each person's dance steps perpetuates and reinforce the other person's dance steps. We do not have control over other people, we cannot change other people, but we can change our own behavior.

If we were dancing the polka with another person, we would both be contributing to the dance. We would only be able to continue to dance as long as both dancers danced. If one of us were to change to a tango, the dancing would change, the polka stops.

Similarly, in a relationship, patterns can go on only as long as both parties continue it. If either person changes anything about the pattern, something would change. It is very empowering, especially for women, to see that they actually can make positive changes occur in their lives just by changing their own behavior.

Many people find that taking a class in Assertiveness Training very helpful to learn what to say to facilitate these positive changes.

But if your fear of anger is paralyzing, short term individual therapy focusing on this problem can quickly get to the root of your anger-phobia. Then you can be "friends" with your anger.

Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC is the Director and Founder of The Awakening Center. She works with clients individually and in groups to establish balance, cooperation and harmony among their "parts"; and a feeling of calmness, compassion and inner strength from their core "self". She specializes in women's issues especially: eating disorders and body image problems; anger, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem; couples communication and parenting skills; spiritual and personal growth. Sliding fee/Insurance Available.