By Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC
In a recent Women’s Eating
Disorder Therapy Group, we discussed Good foods and Bad foods. This dichotomy refers
to foods that you have permission to eat and foods that are forbidden. When a
client says, “I just started eating cookies and I couldn’t stop” I always ask,
“When was the last time you let yourself eat cookies?” I predict her answer
will be, “I never let myself have cookies.” The more you deprive
yourself of a food (or a whole group of foods), the more this food glitters and
calls your name. When you finally break down and allow yourself to have it,
you’ll go overboard. A Part, whom I call The Child on Your Tongue, says,
“You’re going to let me have cookies!? I don’t know when you’ll let me have cookies
again, so I’m going to eat them all!”
This makes sense from your Anxious
Part’s point of view. Imagine you are in a refugee camp, and here comes the
rice truck. You don’t know if or when the rice truck will come again, so how much
rice do you eat? Most of us would eat until it came out our ears. But if you
knew the rice truck will return every two hours, you could then eat just
enough, knowing that in another two hours you can have more, and in another two
hours you can have more, and in another two hours you can have more. You can
trust that food will always be there for you.
A long time ago, the
members of the group decided to do an experiment. It took a while, but we
finally found a food that no one had ever binged on: tuna. So we said,
“Whatever you do this week, do not eat tuna. But on top of that, remind
yourself constantly that you can’t eat tuna.”
The next week, some members
said, “That was no problem for me. I don’t really like tuna. I didn’t eat tuna
at all—I didn’t want it. I was fine.”
Another woman craved tuna
all week, knew exactly how she wanted it cooked, and where she was going to get
it. After the group was over, she had plans to eat tuna. (Did you notice any
craving for tuna just by reading this experiment?)
Another person forgot about
the experiment. She went to a restaurant, ordered tuna, and in the middle of
the meal realized she wasn’t supposed to have it. She felt so guilty that she
thought about not going back to group. She considered lying, “I was fine.” She
felt so much guilt and shame she confessed, as if she had smoked crack!
One person binged and
purged tuna several times that week!
So think about it, why did
that happened? When we focus intently on something, when we forbid ourselves from
having something, the more alluring that food becomes. When a Part of us or an
outside authority puts rules on us, “You shouldn’t be eating that!” our Rebel
Part is inclined to do the opposite, “You think you can stop me! Well, I’m
going to eat it all! You think you can take it away from me! Ha ha! Just try!” Or
The Child on Your Tongue grabs it and eats it greedily—just in case you won’t
let her have it again.
The Food Police Part and
the Rebel get locked into this circular argument, “I’m going to grab the food
out of your hands because you will eat it all.” “I gotta eat it all because you
grab it away.” “I have to grab it because you will eat it all.” “I gotta eat it
all because you grab it away.” And so on and on and on…
Total recovery from
an eating disorder means that you do the work (recover your sense of Self and
get your Parts back in harmony so they feel heard, appreciated, and taken care
of) to resolve the underlying issues so that eventually food, eating, and
weight become non-issues. I tell my clients that we have to take the magic out
of Food! and turn it back into, well,
food. Total recovery is being able to eat whatever I want without feeling
guilt, remorse, despair, panic, or self-hatred. After I eat I forget about it; it
becomes a non-issue. I can get on with the rest of my life. Total recovery
means listening to my body for what it wants and needs—such as delicious
brussel sprouts and kale salad with pumpkin seeds and dried cranberries—while
also allowing my body to have fun foods, such a pizza, cookies, or ice cream.
At this point, I
usually get quizzical looks, “You mean you can eat ice cream or pizza and not
feel bad afterwards? That’s fine for you, but I can’t stop eating! I can’t have
those foods. I must be addicted to
them.” Part of my recovery process involved learning how to eat like a “normal”
eater. Normal eaters eat foods like ice cream and pizza. Normal eaters eat
three meals and a snack or two a day. Normal eaters eat when they are hungry
and stop when they are full. Normal eaters do not panic at the sight of pizza!
I have a story that
will illustrate this concept. When I was in college, I had a friend who would
bring a slice of leftover pizza for lunch every Tuesday. At the time, this truly
amazed me. For one, the words leftover
and pizza never went together in my
vocabulary! Second, she brought it EVERY Tuesday! I was dying to find out how
she could do this without blowing up like a hot air balloon.
I finally got up
the courage to ask her about it—how could she have pizza every Tuesday and feel
OK about it? She told me that she and her roommate had a Monday night ritual in
which they would have pizza and watch a certain special TV show. They always
had leftovers, and so each would take a piece for lunch the next day. At this
point I was totally in shock. Pizza on Monday AND enough left over for two on
Tuesday! What was her secret? How did she do this? How could she “control”
herself having pizza so often?! I don’t know how I asked since I was
desperately trying to not let on that I had any food issues. She said simply,
“If you knew you were going to have pizza every Monday night for the rest of
your life, it would be no big deal to you too!”
That’s it?! I thought
there was some wizardry at work here—like calorie-free pizza or eating it with
cabbage to take the fat grams away. Nope. She simply had taken the magic out of
the pizza and turned it back into, well, food. Wow! I saw a line of pizzas
stretching off into infinity! She taught me about the opposite of deprivation—she
was talking about Abundance.
This story
illustrates that when we give ourselves True Permission to have a food, we do
not have to control it like we did before. Total recovery involves learning how
to give ourselves True Permission: “Yes I can have that and I can have it again
too.” This is opposed to Sort-of Permission: “Well, OK. I’ll have it this one
time, but never again!” (You know the consequence of Sort-of Permission: “Since
I can never have it again, I better eat it all and then some!”) The positive outcome
of True Permission is that we do not feel deprived and can trust that there
will always be enough and that we will always be able to get our share. When we
have True Permission to eat anything, we can listen to our body and enjoy
nourishing foods without feeling like the fun treats are being withheld.
When we embrace
the abundance that is waiting for us, we no longer have to eat as if our favorite
treats will be snatched away.
Namaste.
Amy is the Founder and Director of The
Awakening Center and for almost 30 years has been helping others get to full
recovery from eating disorders. If you would like to inquire about the Women’s
Eating Disorder Therapy Group, please contact her at (773) 929-6262 x11.
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