By Nancy G. Hall, MA, LCPC
Let’s
demystify therapy a bit. It is not taking inventory of all of our faults. It’s
not sheepishly listing all the ways you “failed” at recovery. But most of my
clients excel at that skill. They can list all their missteps, outline how they
fell short, and describe in excruciating detail all the evidence that confirms
they are unworthy pieces of garbage. But what happens when I ask what went right? How were they good enough? Blink
… blink … that’s a tough one. I’ll admit that it’s tough for me too.
Evolution has wisely provided us
with a negativity bias, which means that our brains tend to hold on to negative
experiences rather than positive ones. How is that wise? Well, it was more
important for our prehistoric ancestors to remember where the saber-toothed
tiger was instead of where the pretty flowers grew. The negativity bias helped
ensure our survival. But this useful survival tool can become a hindrance in
our relationships and sense of self-worth.
So how do we introduce intention to
our negativity bias? Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers a few ideas to
remind us that we don’t fail at everything all the time.
We can use the skill of Building
Mastery to tap into that sense of accomplishment. These do not have to be
monumental, life-changing challenges. They can be small—working a crossword
puzzle, trying a new recipe. Or taking up a new sport of craft.
Building Mastery is a key component
in what DBT calls Coping Ahead. Emotions can be tough to manage or regulate.
And they’re even tougher when we’re in pain, not rested, or hungry. So we need
to tend to those needs but also reach further. By choosing to set daily
challenges for ourselves, we foster a sense of accomplishment and competence.
We become mindful of what we can do
instead of ruminating over what we cannot
do. So when the difficult emotion starts to dislodge our inner anchor, we
have a series of experiences that remind us that we are competent and able and
can withstand the current challenge.
It’s hard to understand how doing a
daily crossword puzzle can help when anxiety knocks you off your feet. But each
reminder of our competency counters the self-judgment that waits to pounce at
the slightest hint of imperfection. So set those daily challenges. And bask in
your triumphs!
Nancy
is a staff therapist at The Awakening Center. In addition to seeing clients for
individual therapy, she facilitates the adult DBT group and the Eating Disorder
Therapy Group. Like her on Facebook and subscribe to her personal blog.
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