Communing with Your Inner Wise One

"White Buddha Praying" by Laura Lian

 By Erin Stitzel Selover, MA, LPC

“Be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behavior. You are beneath the thinker. You are the stillness beneath the mental noise. You are the love and joy beneath the pain”.—Eckhart Tolle

Imagine for a moment it is the night before a deadline, you didn’t set aside enough time to work on your project, and now you won’t be prepared in the way you would prefer. What thoughts do you experience as you consider this situation? Perhaps your inner Critic would very vocal: “You’re so lazy. How could you have done this? Well it’s pretty typical, actually. You are such a faker. You should just give up”.

If your Critic is loud enough, your inner Child might become engaged, spurring her into an anxious spin. She may think, “Oh no! What is going to happen? I am going to be the laughing stock! Everyone will see that I AM just a faker. I am so scared!”

Perhaps this provokes another part of you who wants to save the day but is out of balance so can’t suggest the most sound ideas. Perhaps this panicked Rescuer says, “Just call in sick! Don’t go! Make something up! Just save yourself!!” You can imagine how crippling these thoughts could be and how awful you could feel if you listen to them. When we get so caught up in the false messages we receive from different parts of ourselves, it is very difficult to center and move forward in the best way. 

Now imagine this same scenario, the eve of a presentation that you just did not sufficiently prepare for. However, this time you hear from your inner Wise One. What might this sound like? Perhaps your Wise One would say, “Well you definitely didn’t prepare as much as you could have, however, slow down and take a moment to review what you already know about this subject. Is there anything you can do to pull together some key ideas?” Perhaps your Critic is then more in balance and acts more as a Manager. It may say, “Is there a way to frame your presentation so that your audience is more involved and contributes their ideas? It may not be your best work, but moving forward you can manage your time differently.” Your Rescuer may then say, “Why don’t you shift this into a workshop format and have your participants map out solutions?” This could leave your Child part feeling safer, thinking “That could be great, and people could feel a part of the creative process!”

This would all feel a lot different from the situation described above. You would be just as prepared (or under-prepared), yet you would go into your presentation feeling far more grounded and stable, and you could even come out of it feeling inspired and successful. The difference? Your thoughts! Your inner dialogue can be just that powerful.   

This may sound great, and most likely anyone would prefer the second scenario. So, how does one go about it? How can you soften the messages you receive and center yourself in the space of your Wise One? One of the best ways is to simply commune daily with your Wise One.

All of your parts--the Critic/Manager, the Rescuer/Panic part, the Child--are like your own inner tribe. A tribe runs more smoothly and peacefully when a leader is present. The tribe needs to know and be familiar with the leader to trust their guidance. If the leader rarely shows up and is inconsistent, the tribe is less inclined to respond with respect and won’t particularly experience safety. When the leader is ever-present and provides guidance, instruction and comfort, then the tribe is going to respond in kind. Communing daily with your Wise One—your tribe leader—can help your parts begin to work together in harmony, instead of inadvertently wreaking havoc on your thoughts, system, and responses. 

A great way to start communing with your Wise One is to choose a time of day when you are already feeling calm. If you are a visual person, it can be helpful to assign an image to your Wise One. You may respond to sound or color and can think of your Wise One in this way. It could also be helpful to envision someone from your life as a stand-in for your Wise One. Do you have a relative, friend, or teacher who is very calming and grounding to you? Let them represent your Wise One! Really, whatever works for you and can help you connect to this concept of inner calm is perfect.

So take a moment, close your eyes, and picture this Wise One. Imagine that your Wise One exudes love and acceptance, believes in you, and wants you to be happy and to succeed. You could just sit and bask in this energy, or you could imagine yourself having a conversation with your Wise One. If you start to notice any of your parts getting activated in this exercise, just try to calmly acknowledge them and let them know you will get back to them after you spend a few minutes with this benevolent energy. This can be tricky in the beginning. Remember, your inner tribe may not yet trust this leader. Over time, the presence of your Wise One will feel more natural, and eventually all of your parts will be more willing to work with the system, for good.

Erin Stitzel Selover is a Licensed Professional Counselor who works with individuals and groups. She believes in helping clients access their own inner strength and wisdom and strives to accompany them on that journey of exploration and discovery. 

Taming "The Bully"

…..If we get rid of the Bully, we would also get rid of the Mentor.  Often when the Bully is dominant loud and nasty, you may not be aware of the Mentor.  In her positive role, the Mentor manages, organizes and plans our day-to-day life.  Think about all the different tasks that the Mentor does: paying bills, organizing schedules, planning social events, managing multiple project deadlines, figuring out finances, and juggling the upkeep of our cars, houses, possessions and our bodies.  The list goes on.  When something goes wrong, the Mentors tap into their creative thinking skills and take on the role of problem solver, in a non-judgmental non-critical way.  In addition, the Mentors want to motivate us; they push us to learn, grow and to move forward in our lives. The Mentor helps us to live our lives with integrity and values.  Their goal is for us to be the best we can be.  In the long run, the Mentors want us to find fulfillment and meaning in our life. 

Sometimes, when picturing the Mentor, a client will take the “non-judgmental non-critical” aspects to extreme as well.  Imagine an ideal “Fairy Godmother” who would always let you off the hook, no matter what, without any responsibility or remorse, “That’s OK.  You couldn’t help it.  Don’t worry about it.  You poor thing.”  In comparison to the Bully, our first reaction again might be one of relief.  But if we never took responsibility for anything, what would go awry?  We’d never change, forever doomed to repeating our mistakes over and over.  That is not the Mentor. 

If you have ever had an actual Mentor in your life, a good Mentor will not make excuses for you.  She would not overly coddle you.  The Mentor challenges us to be the best we can be, while still allowing us to be imperfect and human.  She encourages you to learn from your mistakes and figure out how not to repeat the mistake in the future.  She might get firm with you, but in a respectful and caring way….

Here’s an example to illustrate the relationship you would have with your Mentor.  Let’s say that you forget to set your alarm clock and you miss an important meeting at work.  Your boss is angry and sends you a heated voicemail.  How would your Mentor deal with this?  In a serious tone she would say something like, “So, you overslept.  This is not OK.  We need to find a way to make sure this doesn’t happen again.  If we put the alarm clock on our pillow in the morning, we will have to set it before we go to sleep.  We had better call our boss and apologize right away.  Let’s also talk with Pat to get the notes from the meeting.”  Notice that the Mentor often uses the pronoun “we”; this implies that you and she are working together cooperatively.  She does not attack you or your personality.  Mistakes are viewed as, well, mistakes – a temporary unfortunately event, not as a permanent character flaw. 

The Mentor speaks in a respectful tone.  You can easily find what I call “the nugget of truth” in what she wants to tell you.  In this case the nugget of truth is “Acting in this way goes against our basic values of respect for others and living with integrity.  We need to act in a professional way and take responsibility for our mistake.”  The Mentor, when necessary, slips into problem solving mode and helps you to see the steps to learn from and correct the mistake.  You walk away from this encounter feeling like you are still a worthwhile human. 

As the Part moves towards the middle of the continuum, let’s call her The Critic.  The Critic has difficulty seeing events objectively, and her behavior, thoughts and attitudes are less balanced.  The Critic may be still able to see that mistakes happen but she probably would speak to you roughly, “That was a dumb thing to do!  You’d better shape up or all your coworkers will think you’re stupid!  You’re lucky that your boss doesn’t fire you.”    The Critic uses colorful dramatic language and talks about “you”.  Notice in the example above, she uses all-or-nothing thinking, lumping all your coworkers together as a mass entity with only one mind.  She immediately runs to the worst-case scenario but does not offer an actual solution other than to vaguely demand, “Shape up”.   The same nugget of truth is hidden, but with a bit of sifting we can find it. 

If the Part does not get what she needs to stay in balance, she will become more and more extreme in her thinking, acting and attitudes. In this extreme state I call her The Bully. “Oh My God!  What the #$%&* is wrong with you!  You are completely hopeless!  You don’t even deserve this job!  I don’t know why your boss puts up with you.  If they knew the real you, none of your coworkers would ever talk to you again.  If you weren’t so fat, this would never have happened.  You can’t eat today…”  I’m sure you can fill in the rest.   The Bully is abusive, punitive and shaming; she uses humiliation and name-calling as punishments.  She will use swearing and profanity even if you normally don’t.  The nugget of truth is buried deep beneath layers of shame and judgment.  It takes a lot of digging to find it.

The Bully is locked into very distorted perfectionistic black-and-white thinking: If you’re not perfect, you are a Failure!  If you made a mistake, you are complete Loser!  If one person doesn’t like you, then everybody HATES you!  If you are not faultless, then you are Worthless!  Through her eyes you don’t make mistakes, you ARE a mistake.  You didn’t fail at something, you ARE a failure.   She also goes off on a tangent blaming your mistake on your eating or weight – even if there is no logical tie.  The punishment does not fit the crime!

Because the Bully talks to you this way over and over, day after day, your younger parts, the Kids, believe her down deep inside, feeling more hopeless, anxious and worthless after each encounter.  Each time the Bully criticizes, a core of shame is reawakened.  Not to be left out, the Rebels, Distracters, Numb-ers get involved….  Do-si-do, around we go, in this never-ending cycle.  The Bully never looks at her role in this cycle, she projects all the blame outward: she is not the problem! You are.  She is not responsible!  You are.  She has to talk to you this way, because you are hopeless!  As the Kids feel more hopeless, the Bully yells louder, the Rebels act out, the Bully yells louder… 

You would think that after a while the Parts would see that this cycle doesn’t work.  But no, in their extreme state they are unable to do this.  They are locked into this cycle and cannot get out of it.  Since they are unable to do anything else, and are afraid of what would happen if they did nothing, they continue to repeat this cycle forever. 

So how do we stop this cycle?  How do we get the Bully to stay as the Mentor?  Your first reaction is to shut her up, push her away, get rid of her, to hate her.  This actually makes the cycle worse.  All of the Parts need the same things:  They need to know that you won’t try to get rid of them.  They want you to listen to what they have to say; they need to feel heard.  They want you to appreciate what they are trying to do for you.  Lastly, they want you to take care of their needs.  Sounds simple?  No, this is a slow and difficult process – but I will walk you through it.

From Critic to Ally

From Critic to Ally
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

In my last article, “ABCD and Dirty Coffee Filters” (Jan. ‘98) I mentioned that we need to turn our internal critic “into an ally, like a friendly coach or manager who will work with us instead of against us”. I realized, by the comments I got that I might as well have been telling you to sprout wings and fly. “How do you turn the critic into an ally? . . . All I get from my critic is a constant stream of verbal abuse - it’s as far from a friendly manager as I can get.” 

I am going to attempt to outline the steps that I use to help my clients work with their critic to sort out a cooperative, more productive relationship. (I urge you to work with a therapist to do this, because if the critical part feels threatened it may become even more extreme in its negative behavior.)  Before we can change our relationship with the critic, we have to stop wanting to get rid of it. I ask the client to imagine what would happen if the critic ceased to be, if there were absolutely no criticisms in her head. The first reaction is usually a feeling of relief, freedom, or lightness. My next question is “What would go haywire if your critic were gone?” “I would be a slug. I’d never amount to anything. I would be rude and not care about others” are common answers. By establishing that we need our critic, and are not going to get rid of it, our critic will not feel threatened and will be more likely to cooperate with us. 

So our first step is to quiet down and listen to the critic in a non-judgmental, impartial way. When I suggest this my clients often look very surprised! “You want me to listen to the critic?!” That’s exactly what they have not wanted to do for a long time. I work with the premise that all of our parts have a positive intention for us: deep down inside all of our parts really want something good for us. But, often the ways they act out these positive intentions cause negative outcomes. By listening and trying to uncover the critic’s positive intention for us, we are attempting to change the relationship we have with our critic.

After listening to the critic, I instruct my client to ask the critic what it is trying to accomplish for her (the client). I have my client imitate the critic’s voice and inflection. At first, the critic’s voice is harsh and loud, “I have to keep harping on her over and over so she won’t screw up so much.” (Sound familiar?) I will repeatedly ask, “But what are you trying to do for her?” I usually will get a pattern of answers like, “I don’t want her to make so many mistakes ......I’m trying to make her more productive.......I’m trying to help her become a better person......I just want her to be happy.” With each progressive question and answer the critic’s voice usually becomes softer, gentler, and more nurturing. I explain to the client that it wasn’t what the critic was trying to say that felt so bad, it was how it was saying it. Often our critic spoke to us in this manner because it was how we were spoken to when we were younger, it was the only way the critic learned how to speak to us. It continued to speak to us in this way, because often we wouldn’t listen to it when it spoke to us in any other way. Over time it adapted a more and more extremely negative voice in order to get our attention.

When we have uncovered the critic’s positive intention, to be happy, then I ask the client if she wants that too. Almost always, the answer is yes. That’s when I suggest to both the client and her critic that they work together to accomplish their common goal, rather than continue to fight each other. “What you’re doing isn’t working, so why not try something different?” 

We try to approach it as a “Science Experiment”, for an amount of time, and if it doesn’t work, she and the critic can always go back to their old pattern. Sometimes when it doesn’t feel so permanent, it seems easier to try something new.

We set up an agreement between the client and the critic: the critic is to speak to the client in the soft, gentler, nurturing voice and the client will listen and consider what the critic has said. If the critic slips and speaks in the loud and harsh manner, the client is to gently remind the critic of their agreement. If the client doesn’t listen to the critic when it is soft, gentle and nurturing, it is allowed to “call her on it”.

The critic needs to learn to use language that is rational, rather than the distorted thinking patterns that can be so abusive. I recommend reading Feeling Good by David Burns. By practicing daily the exercises in the book, speaking to yourself in a calm and rational manner will become second nature over time. 

Imagine, a new, productive, and cooperative relationship with your critic. Your critic would be like a manager urging you to move forward in your life, and you would feel like you were making progress towards your life’s goals. You would be able to go about your life doing the best you could without constantly running yourself down about not being “perfect”. If you did slip up, the critic would gently reprimand you in a way that would enhance learning from your mistake, so you would be less likely to repeat it. Your fear of making mistakes would be almost non-existent. The critic would feel less harried and more satisfied because real progress would be made. You can do it! Keep working at it! You’re worth it!