Honoring our Parents

The other day I was in the children’s section of a bookstore and I noticed a book titled Mom and Me and another book titled Dad and Me. The books were filled with basic lists of questions for children to ask their parents and for parents to ask their kids. Here are some of the questions: What it is your favorite color? Do you prefer vanilla or chocolate? What is your favorite song? Pizza or pasta? It occurred to me I do not know if my dad prefers pizza or pasta.

While reading the book, a part of me was intrigued by the simple concept. The book caught my attention because I have noticed lately that I want to learn as much as possible about my parents. I want to know about their favorite childhood memories, vacation spots, etc. I think this is because I know there will be a time when they will no longer be with me. I would like to know their stories and life facts as a way to remember them and honor their life and for the next generation of family members to know about them.

Reading this book was also a reminder about the importance of being mindful and enjoying the present moments with my parents. This will help make the future feel less scary and frantic with trying to cram all that I can say and do with my parents. There is a part of me that becomes very sad thinking about my parents not being here. A reason why the book resonated with me is because even though I have known my parents for 32 years, there are still new things to discover about them. When I spend time with them, I look forward to the chance to learn more about their stories and about their lives. I believe this is one of the beautiful things about human relationships, that there is always more to learn about people no matter how well you think you know them.

I do not understand exactly what it is like to be responsible for another human being. In my eyes, being a parent is one of the most self-sacrificing acts a person can do in his/her life. This is especially the case because parent-child relationships go through many transitions. I have noticed that my relationship with my parents has come full circle. I remember being little and if I fell down, a hug or kiss from mom or dad made everything feel better. I recall being an adolescent and distancing myself from my parents because they did not “get” me. I also recall how devastated I was the first time I discovered my perceived all-knowing parents could not help me with my algebra homework. I also remember in college when a relationship went awry, I called my mom instead of a friend. I realized she has so much more wisdom on relationships from being married for forty years than any of my friends.

For parents to continue providing unconditional love to their children throughout these life changes is a special gift. As I become older, I have gained more perspective on the cycles of my relationship with my parents. As I have seen with friends and family members, having one supportive parent can have positive long- term effects on someone’s life. I realize how fortunate I am to have two living parents that love me unconditionally.

Parents can make us feel like the most important people in the world. Parents can believe in us when others do not. They may love us despite our flaws. Parents can help ground us when life changes are happening. When times are tough, they can encourage us to be brave. Parents can teach us life lessons. I am not into Hallmark holidays, but many parents deserve to be celebrated more than once a year, not just on Mother’s or Father’s Day. Happy Parent’s Day, each and every day!

Warmly,

Kristy Hatch

Kristy is an intern at TAC. She leads the Saturday Anad Support Group.

The moment called "Now"

Have you ever noticed all of the strange thoughts that pop into your mind all day long? Some are pleasant, others not so much. Some are loving, some are not. Some are patient, some are not. Some are brief and some are frequent. It is easy to allot different values to each one- to praise myself for having a compassionate thought or scold myself for being impatient. And then to scold myself for having a negative thought following the scolding.

In the end each thought is only that- a thought. It is I who makes the ultimate decision whether or not to follow it with a behavior, to give power over to it by letting it consume me (by feeling bad for a while for having wished the person in line in front of me would make a quicker decision, for example). Then one might make the leap from thoughts to beliefs- because I had an impatient thought, I am an impatient person, and being impatient is “bad” so I am in the wrong.

This is when it is important to take a step back. Mindfully observing thoughts is like sitting back and watching the clouds pass, without judgment. No single thought, impulse, urge, or desire is who you are. I can let them come and go without getting caught up in them. I don’t need to cling to or ruminate on any of them. I can simply let them be, coming and going as they will (and they will).

I like to take note of particular thoughts and challenge them. When I feel the need to hurry, I challenge myself to move slowly and notice each small movement and ask myself what I am rushing away from. When I feel a strong desire to get off the phone, I challenge myself to listen to the person speaking and ask myself why it upsets me. When I feel angry that someone said something, I try to find forgiveness and ask if I have ever said something similar. Then forgive myself for what I said.

Sometimes a whole conversation will come and go and I will notice I missed what the person said. A whole drive home but I can’t remember what songs were on the radio. A whole day but I can’t remember what I did before work or what my boyfriend wore. Getting lost in our thoughts means that we are not fully experiencing the present moment. A whole day spent in worry and frustration over planning how I will get through all the tasks I have to do this month or what I forgot to do last month. We have this feeling of a vast past lying behind us and a vast future of things to do and see with just this tiny grain of sand we call the present moment separating the two. The truth is all we have is this vast, never ending, constantly fruitful moment called NOW.

Did you notice how the lathering soap felt on your hands or how sweet the squirrels chasing each other around a tree were today?

Warmly,

Christine McRice

Christine is a TAC intern. She co-leads the Tuesday night ANAD support group.

Waiting for the Life You Envision

Growing up, I had a general timeline in mind – a vision of what I assumed my life would look like as I aged and how I would feel over the course of the years. I imagined going to college, meeting life-long friends and making memories, working my dream job, falling in love with “The One,” and eventually having a family. I thought that this would all happen in an orderly manner, similar to the predictability of a Disney movie storyline.

As a teenager, I reasoned that an event would occur, such as going to college, which would effectively signal the start of my personal Disney storyline. I recall being in high school and seeing college kids who had returned home for the holidays. They seemed so much older and wiser. However, when I went off to college, I pretty much felt the same as I had in high school. Since college didn’t seem to be the event that triggered the start of my timeline, I suspected that graduation would signal the start of my Disney story. Again, I didn’t feel much difference having earned a bachelor’s degree and I certainly didn’t feel like I was following my timeline.

Shortly thereafter, I was reflecting on the numerous events that had taken place in my life that I had not envisioned as part of my timeline and I realized that while I was waiting for my storyline to begin, my life was already happening. My timeline had begun a long time ago, but I’d had difficulty recognizing this because my life wasn’t exactly how I’d envisioned it would be. With this new understanding, I was able let go of my preexisting timeline and I became much more accepting of the path that my life had taken. I had been so preoccupied by the milestones on my timeline that had yet to occur that I’d completely disregarded the events that had happened, such as going to college. Since I spent so much time waiting for my timeline to begin and a lot of time thinking about what hadn’t happened, I wasn’t focused on what was currently going on in my life. I’ve found that focusing on and staying present takes practice.

With the beginning of a new year, I encourage you to reflect back on all that’s taken place during the prior twelve months. Note the twists and turns that veered far from the familiarity and safety of any preexisting timeline. Think about events that did not meet your expectations. Without judging yourself and your decisions, contemplate what you might have done differently. Then, let stressful incidents melt into your memory and appreciate each as a learning experience. Try, also, to let go of any preconceived notions for the New Year. Instead of dwelling on the past or waiting for the future, focus on appreciating where you are currently. This will allow for greater understanding and acceptance of where your unique path has brought you up to this very point in time.

Warmly,

Katherine Anson, MA, LPC

Road Trip, Anyone?

Many people have an activity or a ritual that they find relaxing, therapeutic, etc. This could be anything from sitting in a bubble bath to sky diving. Recently a friend of mine mentioned that she had engaged in an activity that she found surprisingly relaxing: a good old fashioned road trip. She said, “It felt as good as going to therapy!” With the tough economic times and the holidays around the corner, this year many people are traveling by car to see loved ones. The hustle and bustle of the holidays can be chaotic, but that does not mean the journey to your holiday destination also has to be stressful. Below are some ideas on how to make that holiday road trip a more enjoyable one.

As In Life, Know Your Destination (Keep it Attainable)

I know a couple who are both teachers and they enjoy camping. Every summer they pack up their car and set out to an undetermined destination. They bring their gear and an atlas and set out on the open road wondering where their next stop will be. I think this couple’s story is a unique case, one that may give some people anxiety or make another person very happy. One variable this couple has in their favor is time. I would imagine many people have a limited amount of time on how long they can travel for the holidays. They would like to make the most of their winter break. With that being the case, before setting out for a road trip it is best to know the destination and how to get there. If the destination and the route are pre-determined, it will help alleviate some stress while traveling. As in life, deciding what the goal is can be the first step in determining which “road” to take. The more tools a person has (an atlas, GPS, directions, etc) the less chance they have of getting lost. If there is a detour in the road, he/she will be better prepared to continue on his/her journey .This can also be similar in life, when setting out to complete a goal it can be easier to achieve if a person has the “tools” of a strong support system, a relaxed state of mind, etc. to help meet his/her goal.

Keeping a road trip destination attainable was a subject my husband and I learned early on in our relationship. We realized our average limit of being in the car together was three hours although since then it has been stretched to eight to ten hours depending on how exciting the destination is (i.e., Yankee Stadium, Grand Canyon). There have been times starting out on a road trip where my excitement clouds my thinking into believing sixteen hours in the car is possible for one day. On the other hand, there are some road warriors out there who may not think twice about being in the car for half the day. This philosophy can also be applied when it comes to setting life goals; sometimes breaking down a long term goals into a handful of short term goals feels more realistic and less overwhelming. My point is to know what feels reasonable and comfortable for the length of the road trip destination to avoid burn out before you reach your halfway point. (Some people spend half their day in the car and the idea of a road trip sounds dreadful, this is when we are thankful for airplanes). I have discovered the more excited I am about a trip the longer I may feel comfortable in the car. The comfort of a road trip may also depend on the company with you in the car.

Travel Companions: Friends or Foes?

My friend (who I mentioned at the beginning of this post) said one of the reasons her road trip was an enjoyable one was because of who was with her in her car: her boyfriend of five years. She said the last few weeks before the road trip were really busy for her because she finishing up graduate school. She and her boyfriend had hardly seen each other. The road trip gave them a chance to really talk without any distractions; the hardest decision of the day was picking out an audio CD. This is an example of how a road trip can help you escape the monotony of everyday life and spend quality time with loved ones.

Not everyone has experienced pleasant road trips; I have heard some traveling horror stories (i.e. driving in a packed mini van with the in-laws during a snowstorm). Travel vehicles are tight quarters and they may seem even smaller when traveling with a less than ideal companion. This flashes me back to a time when my family and I were taking a road trip to Myrtle Beach. Before we were even out of the driveway, my sister and I “drew” an imaginary line down the middle of the back seat to “mark” the territory the other person could not cross. Am I suggesting the next time you are on road trip with your mother-in-law you tell her she cannot cross over the middle seat? No. It may be nice to be accommodating to all travelers (including yourself). Try taking turns being co-pilot, choosing radio stations, picking lunch spots, etc. This may improve the less than ideal travel conditions if everyone can pick something they find comforting while in the car. You may find yourself in a similar situation in life, working with people you do not particular care for or family members that drive you nuts. This is an example of trying to make the most of a situation by doing some compromising. This brings me to the next topic. If you do not have an ideal travel companion at least you can have cool accessories to help make the trip more tolerable.

Road Trip Necessities: Pleasant Conversation, Soulful Tunes, and A Book on CD……..

As I mentioned above, there are many “tools” to help make a road trip more enjoyable. My family and I would play a game similar to the Book of Questions. We would each take a turn asking each other life questions.

· What would you do if you won the lottery (my mom’s favorite)?

· If you could invite four people (dead or living) to your dinner party, who would they be?

· If you had to listen/watch to the same song (movie, TV show) the rest of your life, what would it be?

· Would you rather be invisible or have the ability to fly?

· If you were stranded on a desert island what five things what would you want with you? Which five people?

· If there was a movie about your life, who would you cast to play you?

I think if we would have attempted this game at home, it would not have lasted as long. Some one may get up from the table or would have to be somewhere else. Since we were stuck in the car together for a lengthy amount of time, it forced us to get creative. We also had an opportunity to get to know each other on a different level. Without playing this game, I am not sure if I would have known that my dad would like to dine with Abraham Lincoln. The next time you are on a road trip, try turning down the radio and turning up the conversation. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

I will also confess that my musical tastes have been expanded, thanks to our family road trips. I know many words to songs from Les Miserables, Phantom of the Opera, Miss Saigon, etc. My mom would always explain the stories and messages behind the musicals before we listened to the soundtracks so we had a better understanding of the music. I would bet my bottom dollar I would have left the room or turned up my Walkman (I was born in the 70s) if my mom or dad would have put those tunes on at home. To prevent show tunes overload, each family member would be given a chance to play their own music (as long as it did not blow out the speakers or mention profanity). Needless to say, my parents benefited from this rule. This can also be done with audio CD’s. My friend who had the positive road trip experience said that she and her boyfriend picked out a bunch of audio CDs of books they have been meaning to read. She said it was a great way to catch up on their reading and a chance to discuss the book with someone.

Taking the Road Less Traveled

I noticed a common theme when I am in the car; I am always trying to get to my destination as fast as I can. As I mentioned in the second paragraph, road trips can be much more enjoyable when time is on your side. Also, I do not consider sitting in traffic on the Kennedy for two and half hours a road trip even though it may take the same amount of time. The last road trip my husband and I were on was from Phoenix to Flagstaff, AZ. It was recommended to me by a fellow intern that if time allowed we should take the (longer) scenic route through Sedona, AZ. We were pressed for time to make a family party, but we decided to take the suggestion. See the picture below of what we would have missed if we took the faster route. Being on this mini road trip helped me to stop and slow down and to “smell the roses”, by taking in the gorgeous scenery. In the future, I hope I can apply this philosophy to other areas of my life.

DISCLAIMER: I am not suggesting a road trip is a substitute for therapy. I think a road trip can be an enlightening experience.

Kristy Hatch is a practicum intern student at The Awakening Center. She co-leads the ANAD support group on Tuesday evenings & can be reached at (773) 929-6262 x 12.

"Pause"

"Pause"

Jolene Hwee, a Practicum Student from Northwestern University, has written the next blog article called “Pause”. Her article reminds me that we live in such a busy world that we don’t often take the time to “Pause” and take care of ourselves for all the little things we need to do, but also all the little things that we know we should do. But it is in those little “Pauses” that can change our lives. October is Breast Cancer awareness month. I encourage all of you, both women and men, to “Pause” and check your breasts. While 80% of all breast lumps are benign, it is with early detection that Breast Cancer is most beatable.

My niece Morgen Paul is doing the AvonWalk for Breast Cancer in Washington DC in memory of my sister Terri who died in 2003 after a courageous 10 year battle. If you would like to help find a cure for Breast Cancer, please consider donating to a member of her team: “Terri’s TaTa’s”. Click on this link: AvonWalk for Breast Cancer: Terri's TaTa's

Namasté,
Amy Grabowski

“Pause”

This summer I became a mother.

My life changed in every way possible. I was thrust from a world of books and clinical training to one filled with diaper changes, burp cloths and 3am feeds. Overnight, I became severely sleep deprived, physically exhausted and mentally overwhelmed. I was suddenly responsible for a tiny human being who was dependent on me for her every need, and although this responsibility was often a joy, it also filled me with wordless anxiety.

Maybe you have also experienced a change in your life- the loss of a friend, a new job, moving cities, marriage, graduation, a change that fills you with a kind of suffocating, racing anxiety that you can’t get away from. Maybe you experience sleepless nights, hectic days, and a constant wondering “How can I stop feeling so anxious? When will I ever stop worrying?”

I have found that it is precisely during these intense, anxiety-filled days that being mindful is necessary, but oh so difficult.

Mindfulness is “awareness without judgment of what is, via direct and immediate experience” (Cindy Sanderson, PhD). You are being mindful when you listen to a song and experience every note, when you make some tea and take time to smell its aroma, when you dance without self-consciousness and when you notice the colors of the sky during sunset.

Mindfulness is meeting every moment of life in the present, with complete awareness, and suspending our judgments, whether positive or negative. Unfortunately, the world we live in does not encourage mindfulness; we are expected to be multi-taskers, to do two or three or four things all at the same time. Most of us have two or more pressing responsibilities, work, school, family, friends, that constantly demand our attention. We admonish ourselves for not doing what we ‘should’ and doing what we ‘should not’. We often spend our time planning the future or ruminating about the past, rarely appreciating the present. We move through life with breakneck speed, asking, “What’s next?” instead of savoring what is now.

When anxiety overtakes us, the ‘shoulds’ and ‘should-nots’ may seem even louder. They can easily drown out our sense of self, rock our sense of equilibrium and steal whatever sense of peace we may feel. It becomes easier is do things on auto-pilot, to stomp through life, to hastily tick things off our lists, and hope that somehow, someday, that anxiety will go away.

But will it?

This is what I want to suggest; instead of hitting the fast-forward button, why don’t we try to hit pause.

Pause, and breathe. Pause, and feel. Pause, and savor.

Maybe, just maybe, if we slow down and take the time to live in this present moment, life and all its demands will be that much more manageable.

For me, being mindful is learning to be with my daughter without thinking about my work; and to be at work without worrying about my daughter.

What does being mindful mean to you?

Jolene Hwee