Rubber Bands and Tuning Forks

Rubber Bands and Tuning Forks

Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission ” Eleanor Roosevelt

“It happens all the time. My boss will criticize one little part of a report and suddenly I feel like I’m just not good enough. I spend the rest of the day seeing all the ways I just don’t measure up. By the time I make it home at night I feel totally worthless.”

What makes you feel inferior? You might say your boss, your mother, your husband/partner, your friends. It may even be people you don’t even know. According to a recent University of Toronto study, women who read magazines full of ads featuring skinny female models, suffer more from low self-esteem than those who don’t. A source of constant frustration and helplessness, we are surrounded by images of women who are “perfect” in every way.

We realize that we can’t control others from making negative remarks or from having negative opinions. We can’t stop the advertising industry from using “perfect” skinny female models. We can’t change the way TV or movies glorify the woman who can do it all perfectly. But we can stop giving them permission to make us feel inferior. How? Get rid of the rubber band thoughts and change the tuning fork in your head. Huh???

A rubber band thought is when we take a casual comment or event and twist it and stretch it until it means something totally different from the original comment or event. Someone doesn’t return a phone call, and you say, “If they really cared about me they would have called today. They must not really like me. Who am I kidding? No one really likes me anyway.”

These rubber band thoughts are based on distorted thinking patterns. If we could get rid of the distortions, then our thoughts would be based on facts and realities rather than “rubber bands”. I will often ask clients, “Would those thoughts hold up in a court of law? What are the facts?” The fact is that there are hundreds of reasons why someone wouldn’t return a phone call: working late, got sick, car troubles, felt overwhelmed. And the fact is that 99.99% of these reasons have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, or your worth as a human being! The client’s comeback is often, “But I feel....” (In court you’d hear, “Objection!”) Negative feelings about our-selves are often based on more rubber band thoughts, distortions.

Changing how we feel about ourselves means listening to what we tell ourselves so that we can then OWN OUR OWN THOUGHTS. When Cindy Crawford appears in a magazine, she is not thinking a thing about you, your body or your worth as a human being. You are! You are the one who is saying, “Her body looks so great, I’m a worthless lump!” Did you recognize the rubber band in that thought? Great! I knew you’d catch on.

But what about when someone does criticize us. That’s the tuning fork. Did you know that if you had two tuning forks that were the same key and you struck one, the second one would start resonating? If they were different, the second one would remain silent. To illustrate this, imagine that someone told you to shave half of your head, paint an American Flag on your face and wear a pink striped square-dance dress to work tomorrow. Most of us would find that nothing happens, there is no resonance. Why? Because you don’t have a tuning fork in your head agreeing with the comment. Now imagine someone saying, “I liked your hair before you cut it.” Wow! Did you feel your tuning fork resonate?

What that means is that when someone criticizes us we also hear an echo of the same criticism in our heads that was already there. Unconsciously we are agreeing with them. But often a tuning fork will turn into a rubber band. For example, your boss loves the report you did but wants you to change the wording to make it more “user friendly”. First the tuning fork, “I should have re-read the section to hear it out loud.” Then the rubber bands, “I never take enough time with my reports. What’s wrong with me. I’ll never get any where with this firm. They must all think I am just a bimbo.”

In this example, the tuning fork was actually helpful. If we had just stopped with the tuning fork we would have learned something valuable that would have made us “Learn and Grow”. But the rubber band thoughts prevent us from making small steps of growth because we twist it into a matter of personal worth.

But what about when the tuning fork isn’t helpful? If, for example, your mother is a very critical person, whenever you see her she starts criticizing your hair, your job, your partner, your vacation plans, etc, etc, etc. It would be so easy to slip into the same pattern of resonance with her and walk away feeling hopeless and worthless. Instead, we need to realize that her negativity is her issue, not ours. We can then remind ourselves that we are working on more important issues in our recovery program. We can reflect upon our many baby steps of progress.

How do we stop our tuning fork? First we need to become aware of what we are telling ourselves. Many women in our society have tuning forks that unconsciously agree that “tall, thin women are superior to short or large women”. If we look at all our thoughts consciously, we find we really don’t agree with them. We can substitute rational factual thoughts that help us achieve what is really important in our lives.

The book, Feeling Good by David Burns, is very helpful in learning how to challenge negative distorted thoughts and substituting rational facts in their place. He advocates writing down your thoughts, but if writing turns you off saying them out loud or making an appointment with yourself to think about it can also work.

I often suggest that you imagine that a friend is with you all day. When you are having rubber band thoughts, ask yourself, “Would I say this to my friend? Would I call my friend a worthless lump?” No? What would you say? You’d tell her that not everyone is genetically designed to look like Cindy Crawford and that she has many attractive qualities of her own. You’d tell her that just because her boss told her to change the wording that she still is a likable and competent person. You’d tell her that just because she can’t please her mother doesn’t mean she is worthless and hopeless. You’d tell her that you like her just the way she is.

Eventually you will be able to tell yourself these things too.

Overwhelmed!

Overwhelmed!

Amy Grabowski

As I write this article, I am surrounded by boxes, items to be packed, lists of things to do and phone calls to be made for the closing of the sale of our house in two weeks. I also have laundry to be washed, groceries to be bought, and dishes waiting in the sink. Not to mention the many projects that I am working on at The Awakening Center. To say the least, I am feeling OVERWHELMED!!!

In the support group, many times the women complain that they are feeling overwhelmed. And I wonder, what contributes to this feeling, and what can we do to take care of ourselves when this feeling strikes.

I think back to several months ago when my husband and I first talked with a Realtor about what we needed to do to put our house on the market. “Joe” excitedly talked on and on about home repairs, listings, showings, inspections, surveys, insurance, contracts, mortgage preapprovals, closings, etc., etc., etc. I started thinking, “I’ll never get all this done all by myself. I can’t do it.” My heart started beating quickly, my breathing was shallow and rapid, and I just wanted to get up and leave. “Joe” looked at me and stopped, and then calmly said the exact words I needed to hear at that time: “Just do one thing a day towards your goal.” Without knowing it, he gave me a gift that I have used many times in the past months.

“Just do one thing a day towards your goal.” Why were those words so magical? First it was very reassuring that someone realized that I was feeling overwhelmed. I wasn’t shamed for these feelings, nor was I made to think I was somehow abnormal. It’s normal and human to feel overwhelmed at times in our lives. (Sometimes Life really knows how to dish it out!) Secondly, his words also said to me, “You are capable and competent and you can do this.” But I didn’t have to do it alone. I wasn’t selling this house by myself, my husband was part of this deal too. It was OK for me to ask for help, not because I was weak or incompetent or not good enough, but because I was human. Humans don’t know everything, and there are many other people who know a lot about these subjects who could be called on for their expertise. Thirdly, it reminded me of some basic time management skills I already had but in the moment had forgotten, another normal human thing to do. Skills such as setting goals, breaking goals down into small but manageable steps, and putting the steps in order by priority can be invaluable when feeling overwhelmed. (If you are unfamiliar with time management skills you may want to read: “How To Get Control of Your Time and Your Life” by Alan LaKein, the guru of time management.)

Fourth, it also said to me I didn’t have to do everything at once. All I had to do is one thing a day. One thing. I could do that. So for these past months whenever I felt overwhelmed, I would repeat “Joe’s” words to myself like a mantra: “Just do one thing a day towards your goal.”

Its easier to do one thing towards your goal when there are definite steps, like selling a house. Many times though, our goal is vague and the steps are undefined. So we first need to define our goal. What is your goal? Is it to find a fulfilling career? Is it to feel confident and competent? Is it to eat in tune with your body signals for hunger and fullness? Is it to have healthy relationships?

Then, write down a series of steps towards that goal. Writing them down and putting the steps in a prominent place reminds us of what we can do to achieve our goal. It really doesn’t matter what the steps are, anything is better than nothing. (We are so quick to discount ourselves by saying something isn’t good enough. Remember, “Progress, Not Perfection”.)

Some steps you will be able to do by yourself, but for other steps you will need help. Are there friends or family members who are safe and supportive to help you with some of the steps? You could also seek out a support group or class. What professionals have expertise in these kinds of goals? Setting priority for the steps sometimes keeps us from getting bogged down and frustrated because we haven’t done some of the preliminary work first. For example, when I called about the mortgage preapproval, I hadn’t looked up my past tax records. Therefore, I couldn’t answer their questions. I didn’t “fail” at the step, I just had to backtrack and do another step first. But if you spend a lot of time worrying about what “should” be done first, second, third, then maybe its best to pick a step, any step, and “just do it”.

Many times after I did my one thing, I would be on a roll and continue to do more things. But there were other days that I only had the emotional or physical energy to do one small thing, and I even skipped some days entirely. (I had to be kind and gentle with myself, remembering I’m only human.) But as it became easier and easier to see progress, those days were less and less often.

I also recommend having a sense of humor while working towards your goal. Go rent the video, “What About Bob?” and laugh at Bill Murray as he babysteps his way towards progress.

Make it part of your morning ritual to say to yourself, “What one thing will I do towards my goal today?” Then at the end of the day it is rewarding to reflect back on our progress. Remember, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Recovered? What's That!

"Recovered? What's That!"
Amy Grabowski

When I introduce myself as leader of the ANAD group, I say that I have recovered from eating disorders. I often get the same reaction from the new members in the group: "Is it possible to recover fully? How do you know when you are recovered? You don't think about food all the time!"

Total recovery to me means that food, eating, and weight eventually become "non-issues". I tell my clients that we have to take the "power" out of food and turn it back into, well, food. Total recovery means being able to eat without feeling guilt, remorse, despair, panic, self-hatred, etc. After I eat I forget about it! It becomes a non-issue! I can get on with the rest of my life.

At this point I usually get quizzical looks: "You mean you can eat ice cream or pizza and not feel bad afterwards? That's fine for you, but I can't stop eating! I can't have those foods." Part of the recovery process involves learning how to eat like a "normal eater". Normal eaters eat foods like ice cream and pizza. Normal eaters eat three meals and a snack or two a day. Normal eaters eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full - most of the time. Normal eaters do not panic at the sight of pizza!

When I was in college there was a woman in my class who would bring a slice of left-over pizza for lunch every Tuesday. This truly amazed me at the time, because the words "left-over" and "pizza" never went together in my vocabulary before! And she brought it EVERY Tuesday! I got up my courage and as nonchalantly as I could I asked her about it - how could she have pizza every Tuesday and feel OK about it? She told me that she and her husband had pizza every Monday night and always had left-overs for the next day. At the time I wondered how she could "control" herself having pizza so often. She explained that since she knew she was going to have pizza on Monday and the next and the next… it was no big deal! She had taken the power out of the pizza and turned it back into, well, food.

This story illustrates that when we give ourselves "true permission" to have a food, we do not have to "control" it. Total recovery involves learning how to give ourselves "true permission": "Yes I can have that and I can have it again too". This is opposed to "sort of permission": "Well, OK, I'll have it this one time, but never again!" (You know the consequence of "sort of permission": "Since I can never have it again, I better eat it all and then some!") The consequence of "true permission" is that we do not feel deprived and can trust that there will always be enough and that we will always be able to get our share.

How do we learn how to give ourselves "true permission"? Everyone is going to come up with their own solution to this. One approach is to buy food in such large quantities that you could not possibly eat it all. This can be expensive and very very scary. Another way is to start by allowing yourself one "treat" a day. I, myself, took the middle road by starting with a scary food: peanut butter. I decided one day that if I wanted peanut butter I was going to have peanut butter! I had peanut butter for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. On the first day, I just relished it like a greedy little child! On the second day, I found that I could relax a bit and get in touch with the taste and texture. The third day, I still liked it but the enjoyment was beginning to wear off. On the fourth day, I ate it but did not really want it. By the fifth day, I rebelled and refused to eat it! I craved a salad! I couldn't believe it! To see peanut butter and think, "No, thanks." Peanut butter had been turned back into, well, food!
This wasn't a freak occurrence. I have repeated this experiment with my clients and most have found that by the fifth day of "true permission" they no longer need to "control" the food. When food is, well, food you can eat it and enjoy it. You can stop eating when you are satisfied and forget about it. It takes a lot less food to satisfy you when you know that you can eat again in a while, when you are hungry. You can get on with the rest of your life.

Amy Grabowski

What Do You Value?

What Do You Value?
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

I want you to stop reading right now, go get a pen and several sheets of paper. Then I want you to turn off your judgments, thoughts and fears. Close your eyes and go inward to a quiet place inside you, to a calm feeling of wisdom, a place that just “knows” what is best for you. And from that place, answer the following three questions.

1) What would you have to do or accomplish between now, May 2000, and the year you are 99 years old, in order for you to sit back and say “Ah, that was a good life” ?

2) What would you like your friends to say at your eulogy? What do you want them to remember about you?

3) If you only had six months to live (active and healthy for all that time), how would you spend it?

This is an exercise I often give to my clients. It helps us clarify what is important to us, what are our values, what our goals are. Most people have specific goals in mind. They want to have satisfying careers and fulfilling relationships. Some know that they want to get married and have children. Many want to make the world a better place, to help others. Almost all want their friends to remember them as being generous, loving, caring, kind, a good listener, fun, having a sense of humor. For the last six months of their life, most would travel, take risks, have fun, spend time with loving friends and family.

In the 14 years that I have been treating women with eating disorders, not once did a client say: “I want to be on the cover of Cosmo*. I want my friends to remember I wore a size 2, and I’d spend the last six months of my life over-exercising and starving myself.” But to look at how we live our lives, that is what appears to be important, what we value most.

Usually these things become important because we’ve never stopped to think about what we value, deep inside. When we sacrifice our “selves” to please others we often lose a sense of purpose, meaning and direction in life. When we reclaim our sense of self, we can live each day according to our own beliefs, values and with a direction to achieve what is important to us.

When I was in the midst of my eating disorder, I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, what I liked or valued. I based my behavior on who was around me, often feeling like a chameleon, changing to fit my surroundings. My lack of direction made me feel out of control, at the fate of those around me. Because I felt so empty inside, I invested a lot of energy in my appearance, what I ate, how thin I could be.

During my recovery, I had to rediscover who I was, what I believed in. It was through this inner discovery process that I realized that I was good at helping others and I wanted to make a difference in the world. When I reclaimed these parts of myself, I felt my life had a direction and a purpose. I could then live my life mindfully, emphasizing what was really important to me. Rather than starving myself, I reminded myself that feeding my body was important so that it could do the things I needed to do in order to accomplish my goals. Instead of filling my mind with calculations of fat grams, calories or exercise reps, I filled my mind with knowledge about the things I valued. In place of worrying about whether I was the fattest or thinnest woman in the room, I decided to stop “competing”. I concentrated on talking to others on a genuine human-to-human level.

Look at what you wrote. How can you live your life according to your values on a daily basis? What can you do to become mindful of what is really important to you in the long run? What thoughts do you need to replace because they are not conducive to achieving your goals?

I encourage you to live each day to the fullest, mindful of what is really important to you.

The Four Stages of Learning

The Four Stages of Learning 
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

One night in the Tuesday ANAD support group, a member excitedly talked about something she learned in her business class: The 4 Stages of Learning: 1) Unconscious Incompetence, 2) Conscious Incompetence, 3) Conscious Competence, and 4) Unconscious Competence. The first, “Unconscious Incompetence”, was described as being “blissful”. In this stage you can’t do something, but you are unaware that you can’t do it. Imagine a very small child happily playing a “song” on a piano. Then you move into the second stage “Conscious Incompetence” which is the most painful. It is the stage where you know you can’t do something, but don’t know how to fix it. Remember your first piano lesson and how awful you knew you sounded? The third stage “Conscious Competence” lasts the longest. You have to consciously work on the problem, deliberately choosing tools, making mindful effort everyday. Everything you do feels awkward and unnatural. This is like practicing the piano hour after hour on a difficult passage of music. The fourth and final stage is “Unconscious Competence”. This is where you can do something effortlessly and without thinking about it. It has become natural and second nature to you. A pianist playing a familiar piece of music from memory would be an example of this stage. A person would occasionally move back into the third stage, work on a problem consciously, then move back into the fourth stage. The group realized that the minute they realized they had a problem they were in the Conscious Incompetence stage, and they found this stage very painful and frustrating. Some who were farther along in their recovery felt that they were in the Conscious Competence stage, that everything was awkward and unnatural and had to be deliberately worked on. It was hopeful to also point out that the women who were in the group the longest said that they felt they had one foot in the last stage, Unconscious Competence, some of the parts of recovery were beginning to feel second nature and they didn’t have to think about it so much. The group discussed some of the skills necessary to recover and how hard it was to keep working mindfully and consciously in the “Conscious Competence” stage. Many acknowledged how hard it was to not give up when things didn’t feel natural after a short while. We realized that since we tended to be perfectionistic it was hard to stick to doing something that didn’t come naturally. We may have the best of intentions, but after the initial excitement of trying something new wore off many gave up after 3 to 5 days. Everyone started thinking of new possibilities when I told them that it took 21 days to make or break a habit. Maybe if they kept that timeframe in mind it would help them to stick to something, even though it didn’t feel comfortable or natural. I reminded them not to overwhelm themselves and try to take on too much at once. Sometimes we need to work on just one thing at a time. So we decided to make it a challenge, to pick one thing and to do it consistently for 21 days. It could be something very simple such as “I am going to repeat an affirmation every morning”. Or it could be risky and scary, such as “I will eat breakfast every morning, no matter what I’ve done the night before.” A little harder one might be “I will ask my critical part to talk to me like I would talk to a friend.” In the next newsletter I will let you know the results of our experiment. (If you want to try along with us, please remember to make your challenge something that you need to stretch to get to, but within a realistic reach.

From Critic to Ally

From Critic to Ally
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

In my last article, “ABCD and Dirty Coffee Filters” (Jan. ‘98) I mentioned that we need to turn our internal critic “into an ally, like a friendly coach or manager who will work with us instead of against us”. I realized, by the comments I got that I might as well have been telling you to sprout wings and fly. “How do you turn the critic into an ally? . . . All I get from my critic is a constant stream of verbal abuse - it’s as far from a friendly manager as I can get.” 

I am going to attempt to outline the steps that I use to help my clients work with their critic to sort out a cooperative, more productive relationship. (I urge you to work with a therapist to do this, because if the critical part feels threatened it may become even more extreme in its negative behavior.)  Before we can change our relationship with the critic, we have to stop wanting to get rid of it. I ask the client to imagine what would happen if the critic ceased to be, if there were absolutely no criticisms in her head. The first reaction is usually a feeling of relief, freedom, or lightness. My next question is “What would go haywire if your critic were gone?” “I would be a slug. I’d never amount to anything. I would be rude and not care about others” are common answers. By establishing that we need our critic, and are not going to get rid of it, our critic will not feel threatened and will be more likely to cooperate with us. 

So our first step is to quiet down and listen to the critic in a non-judgmental, impartial way. When I suggest this my clients often look very surprised! “You want me to listen to the critic?!” That’s exactly what they have not wanted to do for a long time. I work with the premise that all of our parts have a positive intention for us: deep down inside all of our parts really want something good for us. But, often the ways they act out these positive intentions cause negative outcomes. By listening and trying to uncover the critic’s positive intention for us, we are attempting to change the relationship we have with our critic.

After listening to the critic, I instruct my client to ask the critic what it is trying to accomplish for her (the client). I have my client imitate the critic’s voice and inflection. At first, the critic’s voice is harsh and loud, “I have to keep harping on her over and over so she won’t screw up so much.” (Sound familiar?) I will repeatedly ask, “But what are you trying to do for her?” I usually will get a pattern of answers like, “I don’t want her to make so many mistakes ......I’m trying to make her more productive.......I’m trying to help her become a better person......I just want her to be happy.” With each progressive question and answer the critic’s voice usually becomes softer, gentler, and more nurturing. I explain to the client that it wasn’t what the critic was trying to say that felt so bad, it was how it was saying it. Often our critic spoke to us in this manner because it was how we were spoken to when we were younger, it was the only way the critic learned how to speak to us. It continued to speak to us in this way, because often we wouldn’t listen to it when it spoke to us in any other way. Over time it adapted a more and more extremely negative voice in order to get our attention.

When we have uncovered the critic’s positive intention, to be happy, then I ask the client if she wants that too. Almost always, the answer is yes. That’s when I suggest to both the client and her critic that they work together to accomplish their common goal, rather than continue to fight each other. “What you’re doing isn’t working, so why not try something different?” 

We try to approach it as a “Science Experiment”, for an amount of time, and if it doesn’t work, she and the critic can always go back to their old pattern. Sometimes when it doesn’t feel so permanent, it seems easier to try something new.

We set up an agreement between the client and the critic: the critic is to speak to the client in the soft, gentler, nurturing voice and the client will listen and consider what the critic has said. If the critic slips and speaks in the loud and harsh manner, the client is to gently remind the critic of their agreement. If the client doesn’t listen to the critic when it is soft, gentle and nurturing, it is allowed to “call her on it”.

The critic needs to learn to use language that is rational, rather than the distorted thinking patterns that can be so abusive. I recommend reading Feeling Good by David Burns. By practicing daily the exercises in the book, speaking to yourself in a calm and rational manner will become second nature over time. 

Imagine, a new, productive, and cooperative relationship with your critic. Your critic would be like a manager urging you to move forward in your life, and you would feel like you were making progress towards your life’s goals. You would be able to go about your life doing the best you could without constantly running yourself down about not being “perfect”. If you did slip up, the critic would gently reprimand you in a way that would enhance learning from your mistake, so you would be less likely to repeat it. Your fear of making mistakes would be almost non-existent. The critic would feel less harried and more satisfied because real progress would be made. You can do it! Keep working at it! You’re worth it!

Changing "The Game"

Changing "The Game" 
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

"Whenever I talk to her, my mom turns every conversation into something about herself. I feel so unimportant, like I'm not good enough."

"I hate it when my dad drinks. He gets so sarcastic, it makes me feel so bad. I avoid going home at all costs, and when I do I'm so uptight that I end up eating too much."

As a therapist I am often asked by my clients how they can stop someone from saying or doing certain things that make them feel bad about themselves. I usually recommend Harriet Lerner's book The Dance of Anger, in which, as I mentioned in the last newsletter, she describes relationships as circular dances, where each person's dance steps perpetuates and reinforces the other person's dance steps. By changing our own dance steps we can change the whole dance.

Deep inside, I know that isn't what they really want. Essentially they are asking me how to change or control the other person. It is very difficult for us to accept that we really, truly cannot change other people, nor can we control anything that they do or say. But, on a lighter note, there is something that we can do to protect ourselves from other people's peculiarities, problems or character traits; what I call "quirks". A long time ago, I invented "The Game" to cope with my family while I was recovering. Everytime I visited my family, I was on guard the whole time, waiting to fend off what I felt was the onslaught of "barbs". Little things everyone did or said drove me crazy, made me feel bad about myself and usually, I ended up turning to some kind of negative behavior on my part. Somewhere in my recovery I decided that I needed to accept the fact that I could not change or control these people. I needed to separate my self and my self-esteem from their quirks. And so, "The Game" was born. When I recently taught "The Game" to one of the groups at The Awakening Center, many of the women were laughing hysterically as I described it to them. The game can be as low key or dramatic as you want to in your mind. You can imagine a game show host and an announcer who may say "Our next contes tant is Mary Smith from Chicago, Illinois!" Then the crowd applauds as you step onto a brightly lit stage with flashing lights and buzzers. The object of the game is to accurately predict in advance what certain members of your family will do; not what you would like them to do or what you think they "should" do, but what you know deep down they really will do. For example, if your father always gets sarcastic if he drinks, your prediction may be that he will make a negative comment after you arrive. Or if your mother turns every conversation into something about herself, you may predict that she changes the subject when you bring up a topic. So before each visit you sit down and list your predictions of what you think will actually happen.

Next, you need to pick a prize if you predicted correctly. It can be something funny such as a trip to Paris, a years supply of pantyhose or a refrigerator/freezer. Or you may choose something nurturing like a long novel. One client paid herself money for each prediction which she then saved up for a massage when she got home.

Now for the "hard part", when you are in the midst of the family visit: you need to remind yourself of "The Game" and of your predictions. It helps to be more objective if you can picture the stage, the lights, the voice of the announcer etc. As the game begins, you anticipate with excitement for your predictions to happen. When your father answers the door with a negative remark, you hear the audience break into applause while bells and buzzers ring to let you know you scored a point in "round one". Instead of dreading your dad's attitude, you can say "Yes! I won a bubble bath!" Rather than being on guard because your mom will talk only about herself, you can actually look forward to it so that you can collect your next prize. (No fair cheating! Offering your father a drink or asking your mom a question about herself is not fair!)

A lot of times people give me real strange looks right about now. "Why would I look forward to my mother's incessant talk about herself? Why should I anticipate my father's attitude?" Because since we have no control over what they say or do, and in reality you know they are going to do it anyway, we can only change how we feel about it rather than let it in and hurt us. We are separating our selves and our self-esteem from their quirks. Eventually you will be able to take these quirks for granted as part of them, not as a reflection of your worth as a person. If my mother talks only about herself, that says something about her, not me. If my father drinks too much, that's his problem, not mine.

By separating from their quirks, you are giving their quirks back to them and not blaming yourself. Their quirks are not your fault, they are not your problem to solve or control, just as their height or their hair color is not your fault or your problem.

The by-product of playing this game is that you accept them as the people they really are, not spend wasted energy blaming them for who they aren't and never will be. You also let go of your own guilt that it somehow is your fault, or that you are to blame.

As their quirks lose their "barbs", you may find as I have that your visits can become more enjoyable. My parents and I have the best relationship now than we ever had. I do not take their quirks personally. And because I have stopped reacting as I did in the past, (as I changed my dance steps and therefore the dance) they don't do their quirks as often and some have even been eliminated. Some quirks I actually find humorous and amusing now. Thus, by changing my own attitude towards their quirks, I accomplished what I wanted in the beginning, a pleasant and meaningful relationship with my parents.