Sense of Self

"Sense of Self"
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

When trying to describe the sense of Self words seem inadequate; like trying to communicate an exact shade of color to someone who hasn't seen it. It helps to imagine talking to someone who is truly confident and self-assured. They would describe to you a feeling deep inside their body, a gut instinct, a quiet, peaceful place of wisdom that holds all the answers. In this place they just know who they are and, based on who they are, they know what is right for them - not a "thinking" kind of knowing, but an "intuitive" kind of knowing. People illustrate it in many different, but similar ways: "It's like the base of a pyramid that is always there and can never be knocked over", "…like a solid column of strength inside my body", "…like a spiritual channel that allows wisdom to speak to me". Clients have also portrayed it in emotional terms as well. "It's a belief that I can handle whatever comes along." "I feel calm and peaceful inside." "A quiet feeling of assuredness comes over me."

In my practice, I have been trained to use a model of therapy called "Internal Family Systems", which was developed by Richard Schwartz, PhD. Your "internal family" is the numerous inner personalities who you may refer to as "parts": "A part of me wants to go to the concert, but another part feels that I should work on that report." Sound familiar?

We all have many parts. It is normal to have parts. Everyone you know has parts. Even "normal eaters" have parts. (I jokingly wonder if there are any "normal eaters" in the US, maybe a few hiding in the mountains of Idaho.) Our Self is one of our parts - although it is different from all the other parts.

Dr. Schwartz compared the relationship between the Self and the parts as similar to an orchestra. Our Self is the conductor of the orchestra and our parts are the many instruments. Think of the most magnificent symphonic music you have ever heard. Its just so wonderful - the beauty, the harmony, the passion! (You may want to put on a classical cd now so that you can experience this with more of your senses.)

Just as an orchestra needs the strings, the woodwinds, the brass, the percussion, all the different instruments, to achieve the richness and depth of the symphony, we need all of our different parts to fully experience life. If all of the instruments were the same, (imagine an all tuba orchestra!) it would not have the same profound beauty. It is the differences among the instruments, just as it is the differences among our parts, which balances and complements each other to achieve this.

The musicians appreciate the differences between the instruments because they know that the other instruments balance and complement their instrument. Our parts can appreciate the different roles of the other parts, knowing that each can "shine" while carrying out it's particular job.

As you listen to the music, you'll notice how some instruments are playing, but others are quiet. While an instrument is quiet, the musician sits calmly, knowing that soon she will again have another passage to play allowing her instrument to "shine". The same is true with our parts; they know that they all have a unique purpose and that at times they will perform that purpose and at other times they will take a backseat while another part is performing.

If you think about what an orchestra is and what it does, it's incredible. Numerous musicians, all performing different scores of music, on various instruments, at the same time, in rhythm and in tune, together. How does that work? How do they perform to sound as one? They are following the lead of the conductor; just as our many different parts work together when they are guided by our Self.

When you listen to an orchestra, you don't hear the conductor; but the conductor is an integral part of the orchestra. The musicians follow cues from the conductor to keep in sync with the other musicians. The conductor has a deep love, understanding and appreciation for each of the different instruments. She also chooses what music will highlight the orchestra's talents and knows in which direction the orchestra needs to go. The musicians respect and trust the leadership of the conductor; and the conductor appreciates and trusts the musicians. This is truly a symbiotic relationship. The musicians need the conductor, just as the conductor needs all of the musicians.

If one of the musicians has a problem, let's say the piccolo is having trouble keeping up with the rhythm of one section of music, the conductor will take the time to stop the orchestra and give her attention to the musician in need. They will work cooperatively together, while the other musicians either wait patiently or give support and encouragement. When the problem is resolved, the piccolo returns to her rightful role in the orchestra, and the conductor will have the musicians commence playing together again.

Our Self appreciates and trusts our parts and they, in turn, listen to and respect the judgment of the Self as well. If one of our parts needs help, she can turn to the Self for guidance, with encouragement, suggestions, and advice from the other parts. This respect and assistance allows the parts and the Self to remain in supportive cooperative relationships.

Both Halves of Recovery

"Both Halves of Recovery"
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

…."How did you do it? How long did it take? How is your approach any different from the hundreds of books already written about recovery?" In a nutshell, I'll tell you that I couldn't recover until I had all the parts of recovery in place. As long as I continued to work on only half of recovery, it all kept tumbling down.

Let me explain by giving you a visual example. Right now stop reading and put your hands together so that your fingertips are touching and your fingers are curved, like you are holding a large softball. How long could you hold your hands like this? Like most people, you'll find it comfortable, fairly easy to do. 

Now, move your hands apart but keep them in the same position, with your fingertips curved towards one another. How long you can hold them like this? Your hands may start to shake. Are you feeling tension in your hands? Tingling? You probably couldn't hold them like this for very long. It would be too uncomfortable, a struggle.

When you put your hands back together, what happens? Relief! Phew! The hands instantly relax. It becomes easy again. The hands balance each other. Each hand represents the two halves of recovery. One half alone causes tension and discomfort, a struggle. You need both halves of recovery, and then it is easy.

So, you might be thinking, what are the two halves of recovery? One hand represents food, eating, weight and the body.

This is the half that people want to fix, why they seek out therapy. When I ask a new client for her goals for therapy, inevitably she says, "I want to stop bingeing and purging. I don't want to eat this way." She will also go on to tell me all the ways that she has tried to "fix" her eating.

You know what I'm talking about, don't you? You probably already have vast knowledge about food and nutrition; know all about food groups, portion sizes, and servings. Without a doubt, you could rattle off from memory the fat grams and calorie counts of various foods. Like most women with eating disorders, you are certainly very intelligent, you know this information and have made numerous attempts to use this information to recover.

Have you been drawn to certain food combinations looking for "the answer" to fix your eating disorder? "Maybe if I eat more carbohydrates and less protein..." "Maybe less carbs and more protein is the way to go." "If I eliminate all fat and sugar, then I'll be able to eat normally." "This book says that with my blood type I shouldn't eat fruit in the morning." "I must be addicted to sugar. If I avoid all sweets, then that will make me OK." But even as you search for the answer among the many different foods out there, you know that food is not the real issue. And since food is not the issue, it is not the answer.

So if food is not the answer, then maybe the answer is…. Exercise! Maybe, like "Libby", you need to run or workout everyday, no matter what! During one of our sessions together, Libby admitted to running when the wind-chill was sixty degrees below zero! What!? Is she crazy?! Why would she put herself in a potentially harmful situation like that! Her answer, "I had to! I would have felt fat if I hadn't." Ironically, Libby felt fat even when she did.

Many women look to weight as "the answer". You may think that if you only could reach a certain number on the scale, then all would be well with the world, you would never make mistakes, everyone would like you, in other words you would be perfect. As you know, that number never appears! No matter what the scale reads, you never feel OK inside. That little voice inside your head continues to say, "Maybe if you lose five more pounds…" Even if you appear emaciated to others, you still feel "fat", not good enough, defective and empty, inside and out.

Even the labels Anorexia Nervosa (which means "nervous loss of appetite"), Bulimia ("ox-hunger") and Binge Eating Disorder emphasize the disordered eating half of the eating disorder. Outside people, those "normal eaters" out there, also don't get it. They think, "You have an eating disorder. So fix the eating and you'll be Okay." Voila! The solution is simple. Very well meaning friends and family members say, "All you have to do is eat three meals a day." "Just eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full." And my personal favorite, "Just stop, don't do it anymore!" At this point, as the recipient of this helpful advice, you are supposed to hit your forehead with insight and gratefully exclaim, "Wow! I never thought of that before! Thanks so much for that advice. I'm all better now! Let's go have lunch!"

If only it was that simple!

I, myself, also fell for these common fallacies. During my first attempt at recovery, a lot of my time and energy was spent "controlling my food" and stopping any food related symptom: I ate well-balanced, pre-planned, "normal" meals and I weighed a pre-determined, "normal" weight. Even though I received some praise from others because "I had recovered!" inside I still felt hollow and empty, not good enough. Every day was a struggle, but that's how I assumed all "normal" people felt. Now that I had "recovered", I thought that life was going to be "perfect". The first time Life threw a "zinger" my way, I freaked out! I didn't know what to do and not knowing how to handle it made me feel out of control again! But this made no sense to me! I had fixed my eating disorder, right? I ate "normal" and looked "normal", right? So why was Life throwing zingers at me? What was wrong with me? After a few more weeks of struggling to be "normal", of trying to control life by controlling my "normal" eating and by looking "normal", the eating disorder symptoms came back. And I must admit I welcomed them like old friends!

So if you only fix half of the problem, just the food, eating, weight and the body, you have the constant tension, struggle, and discomfort. Hold up only one hand with curved tense fingers again. Feel it again? It's like the phrase that some groups use, "You're always one bite away from your next binge." That way of thinking says you can never recover, you can only be abstinent. I found this to be very depressing. If I was going to have to fight with myself everyday for the rest of my life, then why bother?! Why not just stay sick!?

So you need both halves, the balance of two halves supporting each other, for total recovery. Go ahead and put your two hands together again. Feel the relief, the ease. By now, you're wondering what the other hand is. The other hand represents your sense of Self. Total recovery is achieving peace with your food, your body, and your Self.

Finding Meaning and Fulfillment

Finding Meaning And Fulfillment 
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

This article, that you will read was written only 6 weeks after the terrorists attack on the World Trade Center. At this time, we are still in the midst of the Anthrax crisis and the bombing in Afghanistan. On the night of September 11th, only four women braved going out to attend the weekly ANAD support group. Feeling fear, anxiety and shock, they wanted to pull together, to get comfort in being with others who understood and cared. But that evening we didn't talk about food, eating, or weight at all. We had very deep conversations about trust and relationships. As one woman so aptly put it, "Worrying about the size of my thighs seems so unimportant now."

In the days that followed, people coped in their own unique ways. Some watched the televised news accounts regularly, wanting to be informed at all times. Others avoided television, needing a break from the vivid visuals. Personally I was drawn to reading the many personal stories of the people who died in the tragedies. It was touching to read what people said about the loved ones who were gone. For the most part the friends and family members remembered the person's kindness, generosity, sense of humor; the good times they had spent together talking and sharing activities; their intelligence and what they gave to their workplace and communities. Rarely was the person's appearance even mentioned. Not once did someone mention the size the loved one wore.

For weeks after the tragedy, many of my clients gave blood, brought treats to show appreciation for their local fire fighters, and donated money to the relief effort. If anything positive can come of these tragedies, for a while it was easy to put food, eating, and weight in perspective. What seemed really important was reaching out and connecting with others as a way of finding true meaning and fulfillment in life. I saw a sign in my children's school, which sums this up nicely: "If you want to be happy for an hour, watch TV. If you want to be happy for a day, go to Great America. If you want to be happy for a life, help another."

This New Year, I encourage you to find that meaning and fulfillment for yourself. It can be small things, for example: giving away clothing for those less fortunate, giving food to a food pantry, working one time in a soup kitchen or homeless shelter, donating blood or money.

If you are looking for a way to build a bond with others, you may consider volunteering on a regular basis. There are hundreds of children in the Chicago area who need tutors. Organizations such as ANAD could always use clerical, phone or other office help. Answering phone calls from teen runaways or playing bingo with seniors can be very rewarding.

For longer commitments, there are 500 mile bike rides for AIDS or 60 mile walks for Breast Cancer Awareness.

In a city the size of Chicago there are thousands of organizations that would like volunteers. A Google search of "volunteer Chicago" resulted in over 313,000 websites. Here are a few to help you get started.

• The United Way has a website devoted to matching people with volunteer opportunities in Chicago. You can search any number of categories to find a volunteer placement that suits your needs. www.chicagovolunteer.net
• The Bottomless Closet: provides professional clothing, job readiness and employment training and coaching services to women on assistance 
  www.bottomlesscloset.org - (312) 527-9664
• ANAD (National Association for Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders) often needs clerical, phone and office help; support group leaders and cash donations are needed as well. 
  www.anad.org (847) 831-3438
• The National Runaway Switchboard provides non-judgmental confidential crisis intervention and referrals to youth and their families through a 24-hour hotline.
  www.nrscrisisline.org - (773) 880-9860
• Big Brothers Big Sisters of America is the nations oldest youth mentoring organization.
  www.bbbsa.org
• Ten Thousand Villages, a store in Evanston, sells handicrafts made by unemployed and underemployed artisans around the world, providing them with vital fair income. Volunteers are needed for many daily operations of the store. (847) 869-8262

I want to close with a poem written by Edward Everett Hale

"I am only one,
but still I am one.
I cannot do everything,
but still I can do something,
and because I cannot do
everything,
I will not refuse
to do the something I can do."

Rescuing The Child

Rescuing The Child
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

      I promised to write more about shedding others' opinions about qualities of our personalities. I said, "then we can decide for ourselves that we are 'good enough'." I realize this statement implies that you simply just 'decide' one day that you are good enough and Bingo! you feel 'good enough'! Oh, if only it were that simple. Recovery from an eating disorder comes in layers. You may work on the surface of an issue the first time you uncover it. 

     Later you may find that the same issue comes to you needing work on a deeper level. When the same issue comes back a third (fourth, fifth or sixth) time, you are probably ready to resolve the issue at your core!

     At the heart of these core issues are self-definitions that our "parts" cling to like a leaky lifeboat. We can talk about these definitions, we can analyze them and look for the distortions in them, we can substitute other words or phrases, we can treat ourselves like a friend,… but if we don't actually change why the part clings to this definition, it will continue to be a problem for us.

     It is imperative that certain conditions exist in the recovery process before you can change the way the parts relate to one another. If you have not read my article "From Critic to Ally" I urge you to do so and work on that before going on to this issue. If you go inward and work with the "child parts" without having a cooperative relationship with the critics first, the critic can attack the child and make the problem worse.

     In the last issue of the newsletter I wrote about how other people's opinions of us become part of our self-definition. Let's go back to "Bonnie"*. During her recovery, she did a lot of work to unburden herself from her family's problems, but she still struggled with some unhelpful self-definitions - especially one that insisted she was a liar! Situations would happen in her adult life, such as trying to get out of a request that she did not want to fulfill or sparing a friend's feelings about a new hairstyle, and "Boing!", Bonnie was flooded with feelings of being trapped, shame and self-hatred, "I am bad! I am a liar!" We had already worked with her critic and so we knew this was not from that part. Deep down inside, a young part of her was stuck in the past, clinging to an old burden.

     We began to investigate this burden and tearfully Bonnie admitted as a child she "always" lied, that she "never" told the truth. (If you analyze these two statements, they are all-or-nothing statements, overgeneralizations, mental filters and many other cognitive distortions covered in the book Feeling Good by David Burns ©1980.) As a child she felt compelled to lie to "build herself up" in other's eyes, mostly because she didn't feel good enough to be liked just for herself. She also lied because she had a creative mind and vivid imagination - something as an adult she could learn to love about herself, but as a child she was shamed for. But a big reason she lied was to get out of no-win situations at home. But lying to get out of these no-win-situations, created another no-win situation because she hated herself even more whenever she did it. Do-si-do, around we go: lie, self-hate, lie, self-hate.....

     She had a memory that stuck with her. She had been caught in a lie (probably because the lies of a 6 year old are pretty transparent) and her mother "Renee" tried to force her to admit that she had lied. She knew, even at the age of 6 that if she admitted she had lied she would be punished severely. So she stuck to her story. This enraged her mother and she was adamant that Bonnie had to admit she had lied. Bonnie remembers sitting there on a stool, crying in the middle of the kitchen with her mother screaming at her for hours! Whenever Bonnie felt like "a liar" in the present, she had flashbacks of sitting on the stool in the kitchen - with all the emotions of that day flooding back: trapped, scared, shame, self-hatred.

     A big part of recovery is being able to see that you are likeable, even though you received many messages that someone may not have liked you. (Often times people like Renee had trouble separating a person's worth from their actions and behaviors - one can be a good enough person even if they occasionally lie.) Bonnie and I found a "part" inside her who felt sorry for the little girl - who saw her as an innocent victim who was forced to protect herself in a hostile situation. This part said, "I want to help her, to take care of her, to rescue her - but how? My mom is always standing over the girl, screaming. I'm afraid of her." We needed to get past her fear and rescue that child.

     First we did some math, at this point in her recovery Bonnie was older than Renee in the original scenario! She realized how young Renee actually was when Bonnie was a child - her mother started having children when she was barely more than a child herself by today's standards! How unprepared Renee was for such an awesome responsibility! In Bonnie's mind the mother figure looming over the little girl started to shrink. Bonnie's fear lessened to the point that she felt able to enter the situation as an adult.

     This adult part of Bonnie was angry at how Renee was handling the situation. Reminding herself that she was older than Renee and a lot more educated too, Bonnie spoke to Renee in a firm and authoritarian voice, "Stop this, look what you are doing to her! You are the adult! Get a hold of yourself! Leave her alone! You don't do that to little kids! She's just a little girl. I'm not going to let you do this to her anymore!" And because Bonnie was older than Renee, Renee stopped and listened to her. Renee was shocked that someone was standing up to her! She was scared of Bonnie! As Bonnie repeated over and over, "You don't do that to little kids! She's just a little girl!", Renee began to "deflate". She wasn't this big scary monster, she was just a pitiful, uneducated, young, overwhelmed mom who had meager resources to handle the complexities of raising children - especially one with such an active, creative, imaginative spirit.

     Bonnie now could move from her angry part to the loving nurturing part who could take care of the little girl. Bonnie told the little girl that she was going to take her away to someplace where she could be loved and protected. The little girl felt relieved! Bonnie imagined holding the little girl in her lap, stroking her hair and telling her that she loved her. As Bonnie explains, "I found to my surprise how easy it was to love that little girl! She had wonderful qualities that were easily loveable. Ironically the same qualities that my mother got so angry at! I kept telling her that she was loveable and likeable, just for who she was - that she wasn't a liar. She wasn't "bad". That she was a good girl. I needed to teach her in a warm and loving way when it was appropriate to exaggerate or embellish, and when it was appropriate to tell the truth." This helped Bonnie open up to the honesty within her - to decide to value that and to live according to her values.

*Bonnie is a composite of several clients; names have been changed to protect their privacy. This work was done over a series of sessions, not all at once.

Right Brain/Left Brain The Flip Side of The Same Coin

Right Brain/Left Brain and The Flip Side of the Same Coin 
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

"Discover the person you were meant to be". You may have seen this tagline on our stationary or newsletters. In the last newsletter I ended my article by saying "In order to recover our "selves", we need to reclaim our right to be who we were meant to be." What do I mean "meant to be"?

Many of my clients, if not all, come to me saying they don't like who they are. They don't believe themselves to be likeable and have spent many years trying to be someone else; trying to not be themselves. Bonnie* remembers being told by her mother, "Why can't you be more like your sister, Bev? She's so quiet, (smart, good, neat, fill in the blank)." Bonnie on the other hand was physically active, talkative, funny and outspoken. As a child she started to believe that being active, talkative, funny and (especially) outspoken were "bad" and that there was something wrong with her. As she describes it she felt, "defective, not good enough". In order to get her mother's approval she had to stop being herself. She had to quiet the voice of her "Self" inside her. She did this by starving herself, by starving her "Self".

I want to tell you about two books I have read. This may seem like I am going off on one of my tangents, but I promise that it is relevant and I will come back to Bonnie's story later. My two children have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). They can both be very distractible, inattentive and in their own worlds. Helping them finish their homework can be excruciatingly difficult. Sometimes I would feel like I was going to lose my mind! Then I read Right-Brained Children in a Left-Brained World. As I read this book, I not only recognized my children, but myself and most of my clients as well.

You see, according to the author, the world is mostly left-brained: logical, analytical, orderly, sequential. Left-brained individuals "like making and following rules. They have a greater tendency to accept and appreciate what they hear and read rather than questioning and thinking independently. They like the familiar and the predictable; they often feel uncomfortable with new ideas, challenges, and surprises. They shine in jobs that involve a lot of routine and are at their worst when a crisis erupts that calls for creative problem solving." (Interpret that as: black and white thinking patterns, difficulty with transitions and change, rigidity: always solve problems in same way, never try anything different. These are hallmark characteristics of families of people with eating disorders!)

Right-brained individuals on the other hand are visual, holistic, whole-to-part learners; they excel at multi-tasking. They are intuitive, empathic and sensitive, both physically and emotionally. "They see a minimal need for rules, are impulsive, question authority, and embrace new challenges and ideas. They are highly competitive and perfectionistic."1 (Does that sound like Bonnie? Does that sound like you?)

As I said earlier, this describes most of my clients. Because they are intuitive, empathic and sensitive to other's feelings and moods, as children they learned how to "read" other people. But because they were children, they were not able to distinguish an opinion from a fact. Many of them came from left-brained families who did not like things or people that were "different". Define different? To a left-brained individual, different is anything that is unfamiliar or qualities that they cannot personally understand. Remember, left-brained individuals are uncomfortable with new ideas and challenges. Intuition, sensitivity, impulsivity, etc. are qualities that were often devalued, overtly or covertly. "Don't be so sensitive!" Does that sound familiar? After hearing these things over and over, many of these negative opinions are internalized into a definition of who they "think they should be".

(Because empathy and sensitivity are right brain qualities, left-brainers are unable to be sensitive to the impact of their words on the right-brainer. The frustration is that there is no appropriate "come back" to a left-brainer. "You're too insensitive" doesn't have the same "sting" to it. It is in my own humble "right-brained" opinion that the world needs more sensitive people. It would be hard to start a war if you were sensitive to the fact that each soldier has a family who loves him/her. It would be hard to hate another person if you could empathize with them. So when someone says to me, "You're too sensitive." I say, "Thank you.")

Now I don't mean I want you to blame your parents for your problems. This isn't about blame, this is about accepting responsibility for what is yours, and letting go of what is not. Not all parents are insensitive to their children, or deliberately put them down. Over the years I really have come to believe that most of my client's come from homes where their parents are doing the best they can. As my own mother said "Babies don't come with instruction manuals." But, there is quite a range of what constitutes "the best" these parents are capable of: from truly loving and well meaning, to inwardly empty and hurting, to intentionally sick and sadistic. As one client once aptly put it, "If they ain't got it, they can't give it." But I think it's helpful to realize where some of this devaluing came from even if the source didn't mean to make you feel devalued. If we can understand it, sometimes it's easier to change something.

So now that you are thinking, "Oh, I'm right-brained that's why I felt different", I'll tell you about another book that was very helpful, Teenagers With ADD, a Parent's Guide. Authors Jeffrey Freed and Laurie Parsons help parents of ADD children to see attributes of ADD in a positive light. For example, my children are highly distractible. Our family joke is that they can be distracted by air! If I view distractibility as negative, I might yell at them and make them feel bad about themselves. But if I look at it as a sign of their immense curiosity about how things work and the relationship of things in the world around them, I treat it positive. When they are distracted I remind them of their curious natures and help them to keep their curiosity in check until it is more appropriate to do so. They actually come away from this feeling better about themselves ("I'm curious!") but also in their ability to turn on and off certain behaviors ("I can focus now and not lose my momentum."). 

There is a flip side to every coin. Every quality or characteristic you have, even ones that others in your family didn't like, even one's that you don't like, can be seen as positive. Let's look at Bonnie again. It was easy for her to view being active as a good thing: being athletic is already a plus in our society. She started viewing her sense of humor as an advantage. The ability to put others at ease, to break through tension by saying something funny can be a real asset. Humor is also a way to view life less seriously.

Bonnie had trouble finding anything positive in being outspoken. (It is often the outspoken member of the family that clashes the most with the critical parent, because she may speak about those things that the family ignores, hoping it will go away. "Don't rock the boat!" is a common family motto.) When we started to discuss people throughout history who were outspoken, for example Rosa Parks, she began to see that outspoken people have a strong sense of justice and can make changes in the world by saying "I don't like this. I think this is wrong." I asked her to think of what would happen if there were no outspoken people in the world. When she could link her outspoken nature with her power to make changes then she could appreciate this quality too.

Getting back to what I said in the beginning of this article, the person you were meant to be was born whole, lovable and likeable, perfect just as she was. When we can shed others' opinions about these qualities, then we can decide for ourselves that we are "good enough".

Feeling Like a "Disappointment"

Feeling Like a "Disappointment" 

Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

("Bonnie" is a composite of many of my clients who have had similar experiences with similar reactions.)

"Bonnie" came to my office feeling depressed. Over the weekend, she had attended a wedding (or a baby shower, or an engagement party) of a close friend. Even though she had a good time, she noticed a nagging doubt come over her. She started thinking, "I'll never get what my friend has." As the evening wore on she felt more and more alone.

As we explored these feelings I wondered aloud what her friend had that she wanted. "I'll never be loved like she is," came the reply. I could have pointed out the distorted thinking patterns or her inability to predict the future, but instead I asked why she thought so. "I'm not lovable. There's something wrong with me."

At that moment I knew what she was feeling because back in my own eating disordered days I too felt the same way. And even though I knew the answer I asked the next question anyway, "When was the first time you felt this way?"

"I've felt it all my life."

"As a child, what did you feel?"

"Like I was a big disappointment to my parents."

Many clients use words very similar to these. The events that trigger these feelings may be different, but the feelings almost always boil down to the same thing: "I'm a big disappointment to my parents. I'm not who they wanted as a child. There must be something wrong with me."

I have to preface the next part by stating that I firmly believe that all children are born perfect and whole, likable and lovable, just as they are! And if nurtured in an accepting and validating environment, they would be "perfect" just being themselves. (Being a parent myself, I know that there are NO perfect parents, NO perfect environments. Even the most empathic, nurturing parent sometimes has bad days or says hurtful things now and then. And the messages I am talking about in this article are not the result of the few times that a parent rolls their eyes and sighs with exasperation, but rather the accumulated effect of repeated occurrences of negative responses to the child.)

As I mentioned in the last newsletter many people with eating disorders got overt/or covert messages that said, "In order to be lovable, you should be different, you shouldn't be you." Now in the 14 years that I have been working with people with eating disorders I have consistently found them to be wonderful, likable, talented, incredible people, just as they are! So how did they develop the feeling that deep down inside they are "a disappointment"? I'd like to give an example from my own family.

I have a son and a daughter who I love very much, but more importantly I really like them. I think they are both great kids and I enjoy being with them very much. My daughter, Alison and I are very much alike in both appearance and temperament. So while raising her, I often have been in situations where it feels like I am watching old movies of my own childhood. When Alison was only 6 years old, she and her cousin James were hiking around in the woods by my parents house. I was relaxing and talking to the rest of the family, when all of a sudden we heard both kids screaming! They had disturbed a bees nest and Alison was stung repeatedly on her back. (If you've ever been stung by a bee you know how painful and frightening that can be! Now imagine that you are only 6.....) I ran as fast as I could, scooped her up in my arms and carried her, up the hill, to my parents house. She continued to scream and cry as we inspected the stings. My father volunteered to drive into town to buy some children's Tylenol and Benedryl for her. Sitting in a rocking chair together, I rocked her for a long time, applying ice to her back, while she continued to cry. I kept telling her, "It's going to be OK. Mommy's here." Eventually, my father arrived and we gave her the medicines and she was able to fall asleep.

Why am I telling you this story? It's because of my mother's reaction to the event. After we left she told my sister, "Alison always makes such a big deal about everything. She's such a drama queen." My first reaction was anger. "How dare she criticize my daughter! She's just a little girl!" I wanted to say I didn't care if my mother liked my daughter or not, that I liked her and thought she was a very likable little girl. But it really bothered me that my mother often didn't like my daughter. She's too "flamboyant", too outspoken for my mother, who prefers children who play quietly in the corner, who are "no bother". Then an incredible sense of sadness came over me. I started remembering all the times when I was a little girl and also was told in overt and covert ways that I was "too much", or "too over-the-top". I didn't feel liked or likable. I felt like a disappointment, like there was something wrong with me. And each time this happened I would try to not be me and a little bit more of my "self" was sacrificed.

I included this example to show that the problem doesn't lie in the personality of the child. But rather in the needs, preferences, or expectations of the parent. Maybe the "disappoint-ments" from your past are less tangible. If your parents wanted you to be an "easy child" then every time you were "fussy" you would feel their disappointment. If you were supposed to be a perfect showcase child, then every time you were messy or made a mistake (when you were "human"), they would be disappointed. If your body was supposed to be skinnier than it was genetically meant to be, they would be disappointed. If you were supposed to make mommy "happy",... yep, you guessed it, disappointment. And each time you may have vowed to be a different person, to not be your "self".

One of the developmental tasks a young child is supposed to learn is that love is constant. I believe that love should be like the oxygen in the room. Its just there, you don't have to think about it. But many people with eating disorders came from homes where love was turned on and off like a light switch: If you displease me, I'll love you less. If you make me angry, I won't love you. (Imagine if parents turned off the oxygen when they were displeased! We would report them for child abuse!)

Part of recovery is reclaiming our "lovability"! We were lovable even when we were "fussy". We were lovable even when we would rather run around the back yard than sit and look pretty. We were lovable even when mommy was unhappy - (that's a whole article unto itself!!!)

In order to recover our "selves", we need to reclaim our right to be who we were meant to be. We have to reclaim our inherent talents and personalities and see them as being "good enough" just as they are! In the next issue I will talk more about this in my article: "Right Brain/Left Brain and the Flip Side of the Same Coin".

Get Out Of Your Head!!!

Get Out Of Your Head!!!

Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

"I have read every book there is on eating disorders. I could recite everything there is about eating disorders. I don’t understand why I can’t get it through my head and just eat normally. I don’t know what’s wrong with me."

When I hear this from clients or from members of the ANAD support group, I tell them, "Recovery isn’t through the head, we can’t think our way to recovery, you have to recover through your body." My response is usually met with quizzical looks. Most women with eating disorders live their lives in their heads, almost as if they have vacated their bodies. They are adept at thinking their way out of anything, out of their emotions, even their body sensations for hunger, fullness, fatigue and thirst. In order to recover, they need to get out of their heads and back into their bodies.

"What do you mean get out of my head?" Well first I must reiterate that eating disorders are not about food, eating or weight, but rather a lack of a sense of "self" - kind of like going downhill, on a winding mountain road, at night, in a horrendous thunderstorm, on a bus, WITHOUT A DRIVER!! It is very scary, like life is spinning out of control around you and there’s nothing you can do about it!

The "missing self" is often experienced as an inner emptiness, dark and frightening - and because the person knows something is missing but doesn’t know what - often this emptiness is judged as "I’m wrong, bad or defective. "

But you were not born this way, I guarantee it!

When you were born you were whole and perfect in everyway!! Around the age of 2 you formed a sense of self. Children of this age are very physical and express their likes & dislikes mainly through their bodies and voices. Picture yourself at 2 and maybe you’ll see a child running through a backyard sprinkler, laughing aloud. You felt good about your "self" and about your body.

This is also when you discovered a very powerful word: "NO!" (Kind of like "I disagree, therefore I am!") Each time a child says "No, I don’t like that" she is actually affirming her sense of self. And if you were raised in the "Mr. Rogers" style of parenting you would be told, "You are perfect just being you", "People can like you just the way you are". This also affirms your sense of self.

But most women who have eating disorders were not raised in this manner. They learned early on "In order to be loved by you , I have to give up pieces of being me." (Of course being born a female in a male-dominated society that says "Women should not express anger, be loud, speak their minds, be too physically active, have an appetite for food or sex" just sets the stage for these kinds of messages.)

Think back and remember what you were taught early on about being your "self". Were you called a crybaby, or told you were too sensitive? Then you had to sacrifice your emotions in order to please someone else. And since you couldn’t, you replaced being comfortable with your emotions with shame

"What’s wrong with me that I have these feelings?"

Maybe you were placed in the role of being your mother’s mother. You had to sacrifice your need for nurturance in order to take care of her. Again, when you couldn’t, you thought "I’m too needy." Every time your feelings were invalidated: ("I’m sad." "No, you’re not. You have nothing to be sad about"), you stopped trusting your feelings and self-doubt grew. If you lived in an abusive environment where you were told that you were worthless, unlovable, or unwanted, you stopped feeling good and believed these messages instead.

So, scattered in your past are pieces of your "self", and where your "self" should have been you began to feel a "hole". If you have no sense of self, the body becomes simply an empty container, a thing. And of course how that thing, that container looks becomes very important. "I have to look good in order to be worthy." "I don’t know who I am, so I have to act how others want me to be."

What happens then is that rather than trust our "self" which speaks to us through our body (our gut wisdom), we start to live in our head. We think about everything. And we get very good at talking ourselves out of anything. Rather than trust our emotions, we say things like "He didn’t really mean to hurt my feelings, he’s just tired." Or "I shouldn’t be angry, I must have done something to deserve this." "I can’t speak up, no one will ever like or love me if I complain." And because we don’t trust our bodies either, especially with our emphasis on "looking good" in a society that says you have to be "pin thin" in order to be beautiful, we can talk ourselves out of listening to our body cues too. "I can’t really be hungry, I just ate an apple three hours ago." "No one else is eating, so I shouldn’t need to eat yet either." "I’m not really tired today, I’m just a lazy slug."

"So what can be done about this?" The goal is to turn off the head long enough to listen to that very quiet voice inside that "knows". I’m not talking about a thinking kind of knowing, but a deep "gut instinct" kind of knowing. This is the voice of the "self", what I often refer to as "Wisdom". It is often difficult for clients to listen to wisdom because the voices of their other parts are usually so much louder and more urgent. These voices are also more familiar because you’ve been listening to them so much longer. In order to get to "wisdom", you may need to imagine wading through a crowd of people who all want to get your attention, telling each one, "I’ll be with you in a moment" or "I’ll be right back". Sometimes I’ll suggest that a client visualize turning off switches that control speakers, so that the voices are quiet enough to hear "wisdom".

"So what? Why would I want to listen to wisdom?" When you are in wisdom, in your "self", you feel centered and calm. A quiet peacefulness comes over you. You feel more assured, more confident in your ability to handle whatever comes your way. When you find your "self" its like getting into the drivers seat of that bus. Most people say the first thing they would do is put their foot on the brake and slow down. By steering the bus themselves you take control of your life, its not so scary and out of control.