Honoring our Parents

The other day I was in the children’s section of a bookstore and I noticed a book titled Mom and Me and another book titled Dad and Me. The books were filled with basic lists of questions for children to ask their parents and for parents to ask their kids. Here are some of the questions: What it is your favorite color? Do you prefer vanilla or chocolate? What is your favorite song? Pizza or pasta? It occurred to me I do not know if my dad prefers pizza or pasta.

While reading the book, a part of me was intrigued by the simple concept. The book caught my attention because I have noticed lately that I want to learn as much as possible about my parents. I want to know about their favorite childhood memories, vacation spots, etc. I think this is because I know there will be a time when they will no longer be with me. I would like to know their stories and life facts as a way to remember them and honor their life and for the next generation of family members to know about them.

Reading this book was also a reminder about the importance of being mindful and enjoying the present moments with my parents. This will help make the future feel less scary and frantic with trying to cram all that I can say and do with my parents. There is a part of me that becomes very sad thinking about my parents not being here. A reason why the book resonated with me is because even though I have known my parents for 32 years, there are still new things to discover about them. When I spend time with them, I look forward to the chance to learn more about their stories and about their lives. I believe this is one of the beautiful things about human relationships, that there is always more to learn about people no matter how well you think you know them.

I do not understand exactly what it is like to be responsible for another human being. In my eyes, being a parent is one of the most self-sacrificing acts a person can do in his/her life. This is especially the case because parent-child relationships go through many transitions. I have noticed that my relationship with my parents has come full circle. I remember being little and if I fell down, a hug or kiss from mom or dad made everything feel better. I recall being an adolescent and distancing myself from my parents because they did not “get” me. I also recall how devastated I was the first time I discovered my perceived all-knowing parents could not help me with my algebra homework. I also remember in college when a relationship went awry, I called my mom instead of a friend. I realized she has so much more wisdom on relationships from being married for forty years than any of my friends.

For parents to continue providing unconditional love to their children throughout these life changes is a special gift. As I become older, I have gained more perspective on the cycles of my relationship with my parents. As I have seen with friends and family members, having one supportive parent can have positive long- term effects on someone’s life. I realize how fortunate I am to have two living parents that love me unconditionally.

Parents can make us feel like the most important people in the world. Parents can believe in us when others do not. They may love us despite our flaws. Parents can help ground us when life changes are happening. When times are tough, they can encourage us to be brave. Parents can teach us life lessons. I am not into Hallmark holidays, but many parents deserve to be celebrated more than once a year, not just on Mother’s or Father’s Day. Happy Parent’s Day, each and every day!

Warmly,

Kristy Hatch

Kristy is an intern at TAC. She leads the Saturday Anad Support Group.

Spring Cleaning

I tackled my closets this weekend and began the process of a serious spring cleaning mission. I have been thinking about all the areas of the house that so quickly get disorganized, stuffed and just messy. So this was the weekend to get down to business.

I began in the guest room by beginning to go through my spring clothes and packing away the winter clothes. Very quickly I realized how big this job was going to be and that this wasn’t really going to be a relaxing Saturday. I was amazed at how much stuff I was hanging onto that I hadn’t even used or frankly knew was there. So I know the rules about if you haven’t used it in a year get rid of it! But what was keeping me from letting go? Is there really the chance that all my clothes will be dirty someday and I just may need another t-shirt? Is there really the chance that clothes from ten years ago will be in style? How many towels does one home need?

So regretfully I began the toss pile and once I got started it felt good! How nice to be able to close a closet without shoving in falling shoes. How nice to hope a guest doesn’t happen to look in that drawer. So on a very simple level I am loving the result of my hard work. Clean closets, more space, less clutter. The thing that’s funny is that I truly am a clean person. Everything to the eye looks shiny, picked up and clean. Just don’t open my closet or drawers! It got me thinking about the many areas of our lives that we allow to get stuffed, cluttered and just plain messy.

What keeps us hanging onto what we don’t need? What gets in the way of living with more simplicity? What does it mean to not give enough attention to the hall closets and pantry shelves of our lives? Obviously the spring cleaning got me thinking a bit deeper than making room in my tiny Chicago closets. It made me think about how many times we get stuck in life in not giving certain areas of life and ourselves the attention we deserve and require. How often we are nagged by certain areas of our lives that are filled with chaos or clutter yet we shove the door shut and pretend the mess isn’t there. What a relief to take stock, sort through the disaster, make decisions and have nothing hiding or needing to be covered.

It was such a joy to look at my closet this morning and have no mess in sight! I made a resolution to keep it this way and continue sorting. I still have more areas to conquer and maintain but that clean closet gives me motivation. So I hope this notion of spring cleaning inspires you to also roll up your sleeves and perhaps tackle whatever needs to be tidied up a bit. Likewise it may be a good reminder to check in with ourselves and think about what emotional clutter may be getting in the way of us living with more simplicity, freedom and peace of mind. What a nice treat to come back home to a place that invites us in and has nothing to hide.

Warmly,

Jennifer Schurman, MA, LPC

Spinning Plates on Sticks - Part 2: "Procrastination"

When I wrote my last blog article, “Spinning Plates on Sticks” way back last November (see: http://awakeningcenter.blogspot.com/2009/11/spinning-plates-on-sticks.html ) I really felt like I had tackled a big obstacle in my life. I felt free, like I had room to breathe and could work on things that had meaning and fulfillment to the bigger picture of my life. But when it was my turn to write another blog article, no matter how well intentioned I was to get it done by my due date – January 1, 2010 – I just could not sit down and write it.

The date came and went. Jolene Hwee, the intern who has been monitoring the blog, sent me a gentle reminder. My response, “I’m so busy with the Conference* I guess I’ll need to skip it this time. I promise to have an article for my next turn, April 1.” (As you can see by the date of this blog, I missed that deadline too. Although I am giving myself positive credit for at least making it in the right month.)

I needed to look at what was really going on. Yes, I am busy. Yes there’s a lot to do for the conference – but I knew these were just excuses. If I have time to play computer solitaire or watch reruns of “The Office” I have time to write one short blog article. So again I ‘went inside’ and looked at what Parts were activated by the thought of writing this article.

The first two Parts I met were locked into a circular pattern: “It has to be perfect!” and “What if it’s no good?” A third Part popped up immediately after that – this Part was elementary school aged, and since she went to a Chicago Public School (a long long time ago) she doesn’t remember ever being taught how to write, “I don’t know how! Where do I begin?” This led to an overwhelmed Part who, whenever I have a task to do, immediately thinks of all my other tasks looming ahead of me. In reaction to all this a familiar feeling of lethargy took over, “I just don’t feel like it. I’ll do it tomorrow.”

I had never really looked at this pattern before. It’s so much easier to criticize myself for procrastinating or to tritely say, “I work well under pressure.” Looking at it in this way made me realize just how much more complicated problems are than they appear on the surface.

So I started with the first two Parts. Stepping back and looking at them with curiosity, I asked, “Why does it have to be Perfect? What are you afraid would happen if it was just good enough?” ‘Gramma May’ (You met her in my last blog article) told me she was trying to protect the young Part who feels like she will be judged if others see her as less than perfect. She and I let the young Part know that this blog article doesn’t have to be perfect – it’s not that important – it’s not up for a Pulitzer! I thought of all my clients, present and past – and told the Young Part that I was just writing to them. That calmed her down a lot, since she already knew and liked these people their opinions did not feel so scary to her.

Then I turned to the one who is convinced that I truly do not know how to write and I reassured her that I truly know how to talk, so we were going to imagine that we were just talking to these people and we’ll just write what we say. Taking a deep breath I turned to the Part who sees all the tasks looming ahead, “Well, yes I do have quite a lot of things to get done, but right now we need to focus on just one. If we get one done it’s better than getting none done. And remember, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

When that one was calmer, I did not feel weighed down with lethargy. I was able to just turn on the computer, sit down and write. Actually this article has been flowing quite easily and I’m fairly pleased with the results.

I hope that this will help you step back and look with curiosity at all the Parts which contribute to your own patterns of procrastination. Once all your Parts are calmed down, maybe you can do one thing that you’ve been putting off too.

Namasté,
Amy Grabowski

*If you would like info about the 3rd Annual Midwest Eating-Disorders Conference: “Replenishing Our Toolbox: Innovative Therapies for Eating-Disordered Clients” to be held May 14, 2010 at the Skokie Conference Center in Skokie, IL please click on this link: http://awakeningcenter.net/conference/index.htm

Loss

Experiencing loss in any realm can be extremely difficult, such as the loss of an object that held special meaning, the unexpected loss of a job or the loss a loved one. Events such as these typically bring up feelings of sadness, disappointment, confusion, anger, frustration and hurt.

There is no right or wrong way to handle loss. Everyone deals differently with uncomfortable feelings. Some people cry on the spot. Some people nervously laugh. Some people yell passionately. Some people withdraw. Some people talk. Some people write. Some people pray. Some people run. Some people sleep. Some people do a combination of these things. Some people don’t do any of these things. There are infinite ways to cope with loss, which is an unavoidable part of living.

Many people hear the word “loss” and think in negative terms. When thought of from a different perspective, one might discover some positives. One that pops into mind is that loss provides the opportunity to learn. Some questions one might ask are: “How does this loss fit into my life on a larger spectrum? Am I able to see how the loss might serve a purpose?” These remind me of the quote, “When one door closes, another opens.” Ask yourself what opportunities have been granted as a result of the loss?

Loss may also provide the chance to learn more about oneself. What was it that made the loss so influential and what areas in your life did the loss most strongly impact? The answers can help to identify things that you truly value in life. Furthermore, one might reflect on how the loss was handled. Would you do anything differently the next time you experience similar feelings? Why or why not?

In addition to becoming more familiar with oneself, loss may also bring you closer to others. Support groups are often available for those struggling with similar situations and friendships are frequently enhanced as supports come to the aid of the ailing. It can be a time of camaraderie and solidarity, despite the loss.

It is difficult not to focus on the end result of a loss, and while it’s important to allow oneself to experience the negative feelings associated with loss, being open to view the loss in a different light will aid the healing process.

Warmly,

Katie Anson, MA, LPC

Outside In

Simply touching something warm may make you feel warmly toward others, finds a study in the Oct 24 issue of Science (Vol. 322, No. 5,091). Yale researchers asked undergraduate study participants to hold a cup of coffee- either hot or iced- and then to rate the personality traits of a fictitious person. Those who had held the hot coffee saw the person as more generous, sociable and good-natured than those who had held the cold cup. Lead author Lawrence Williams, PhD, now at the University of Colorado at Boulder, says the findings suggest that people may be more sensitive to cues in their physical environments than we often think. “We shouldn’t underestimate the importance of our surroundings in shaping our thoughts, feelings and actions,” he says.

- Monitor on Psychology, January 2009 Vol.40, No.1

I never thought too much about my morning cup of coffee- until I stumbled upon this excerpt. I know, like most people, a little bit about the mind-body connection- sufficient sleep is crucial for mental performance, a good workout can produce endorphins which contribute to a positive mood, adequate food is necessary to keep the mind functioning optimally.

But “simply touching something warm may make you feel warmly toward others”? Wow. I sure could use that piece of information the next time I’m feeling crabby toward my husband.

I was fascinated by what the Yale researchers found because their study demonstrated just how impactful the environment is on not only our inner thoughts and feelings toward ourselves, but also toward others. It seems to me that that warm cuppa joe made the holder of the cup feel warm inside (feel good about themselves) so that the holder could feel warm toward others (feel good about everyone else).

It is pretty obvious that we can’t really feel good toward others without taking care of ourselves first, but many people in today’s modern hustle and bustle neglect to put self-care on the top of their to-do list. So many of us (me included) run around with crazy schedules, trying to take care of others in our lives without taking the time to rest or re-charge.

If this study is true, then one significant step that we can take toward self-care is changing the negative influencers in our surroundings. Is your cubicle at work cluttered and uninspiring? Are your walls at home a gloomy shade of gray? Do you spend a lot of time watching sad movies? Do you take the time to make hot, home-cooked dinners, or are most of your meals eaten cold, out of a plastic box?

Taking care of yourself and your relationships could be as simple as surrounding yourself with things you love, consuming foods that warm your heart, and listening to music that can bring you to lovely faraway places. If we can change the outside, then maybe how we feel inside can also change.

As for me, the next time I feel irritation and impatience arising toward my loved ones, I’m going to fix myself a nice mug of hot tea, breathe, and turn on the radio to the jazz channel.

Warmly,
Jolene Hwee

Jolene is a Master's level intern at TAC. She co-leads the Tuesday night ANAD support group.

Let your creative self shine

In the ‘hustle and bustle’ of our daily lives we have a hard time finding (or making) time for ourselves. Getting time to ‘stop and smell the roses’ is a foreign concept in which we often don’t think we can take time for, or even deserve. Noticing our senses, managing our breathing, and simply taking in the small things are all part of getting the best quality of this wonderful life.

To add one more item on the lengthy list of ‘to-dos,’ I ask that you find one way you are able to let your creativity shine through. This task does not mean to be taxing, but a way to explore more of you, slow down, and have a healthy outlet to all that may be going on in your lives. I believe creativity is an innate quality, we just have it hidden somewhere and we haven’t always given it the time to sneak out and present itself to us.

Finding our creativity may be something as fun as finding the rhythm to a song and dancing around the house to a beat you have made up. It could be singing at the top of your lungs and finding your voice is pretty great. Making little or big sketches while in transit or while on a break from work is a way to release this sparkle that we are given as well. Another way to brighten up or liven up the routine is to use fun colored markers or pens.

The options can be as cheap or as much as you would like. Getting construction paper and making stationary, making labels for items around the house, repainting furniture or picture frames, arranging flowers or even a room. There are many ideas that show our side of creativity that often times we are not even aware we have. If you don’t see yourself as a creative being, that is alright, you don’t have to start big. Grab a small, blank notebook and just start doodling. Shutting your eyes is always a good warm up. Turn on music for even 3 minutes at a time and see what appears on the page. It is a very freeing experience to have a book of scribbles or lines and not have judgment.

Whatever it is you find to bring out your creativity, own it. We are never too old for creating or making art. This is an expression of us that isn’t always visible. Just take a couple times a week to explore yourself through your very own imagination. It is a part of you that may be a nice surprise to be revealed. Just give it a whirl. Find highlighters, pens, or colored pencils, use nail polish or markers with water to make watercolor. Whatever the medium, take the time to enjoy the process, enjoy yourself, and simply be.

Warmly,

Anne Riley

Anne is a Master's level intern at TAC. She facilitates the Art Therapy group (sliding scale available) on Thursday evenings.