Keeping the "Shoulds" in Check

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it” – Ferris Bueller

I watched this movie recently and it reminded me of several simple pearls of wisdom. We all have a tendency to become too concerned with the “shoulds” in our lives. I should apply for the job. I should connect with old friends. I should get more sleep. I should drink more water. I should be more... I shouldn’t have... the list goes on. We receive a constant feed of friendly suggestions from magazines, the news, and even friends and family. While these suggestions can be helpful, they can sometimes become overwhelming, making us feel we can’t do anything right. If we could just do or fix...whatever...things would become clear or better. The problem with “shoulds” is they get in the way of what we’re doing now and can keep us from living in the present. The important thing to remember is that we are in control of our lives and decisions. Allowing the “shoulds” to interfere with our goals doesn’t encourage us forward and can keep us from really living and deciding what we think is important.

When the “shoulds” start to creep in, take a minute and do a self-check. Is this “should” a manifestation of an outside influence? Is it scary or intimidating? How does your body react when you focus on it? Doing a self-check allows us to focus on one issue at a time, keeping the thoughts from snowballing, and can get us in touch with our true feelings. Is the “should” really important or is it just getting in the way of what we’re doing now?

As Ferris so wisely noted, if we don’t slow down and think about what’s really important, in the present moment, all of those “shoulds” will continue to creep in and cloud what’s really important.

Claire Jolly is an intern at The Awakening Center. She is a student at Centre College and leads the Eating Disorder Drop-In Support Group on Tuesday evenings.

Living Life Rather Than Getting Through It

I had the privilege of getting away for a long weekend and finally enjoying the sun, sand, and water that I so look forward to as summer rolls in. Before the trip I had a feeling of restless anticipation, a sense of really needing to get away from the day to day craziness of Chicago. I felt like a little kid sitting by the door saying “Can we go yet?”

I wondered why I was so anxious to get away. As I settled into the first day of the vacation I began to slow down and enjoy all the benefits of vacation. Having no set schedule, nowhere to be, and no one expecting anything from me, I quickly settled into the leisurely pace of the small beach community. I soaked up the sun, read a great book, and enjoyed the peaceful flow of the waves. I began to realize how relaxed I felt and how good it was to just slow down. I noticed things that often get overlooked. The gorgeous blue sky, the pure joy on my dog’s face as he chased a Frisbee around the beach, the gestures of love and connection from my friends.

I had the sense of being reminded of what it is like to really be in the moment. So often I encourage clients and challenge myself to take time, give ourselves what we need, notice what we are feeling and needing, and appreciate all the many gifts of the day. Well these few days away from my routine were a great reminder of that. I felt like a bit of a different person, more connected and more at peace. You can argue it was because I was on vacation but this same sense of being doesn’t always settle into every vacation.

As I returned home I began to think of ways that I could emulate this vacation experience. I realized how many choices in my day that keep me from having this sense of peace and connection with myself. I too often don’t give myself enough time and end up feeling rushed, always a few minutes behind schedule or screeching in right on time. I make lists that I feel like have to be done today, right now as if the world will end if everything isn’t taken care of. I choose mindless distractions rather than things that will really enrich my day. I let the tasks of the day or frustrations of the day interfere with really connecting and just being with others.

The time away was not just a few days to get refreshed, enjoy a place I love and people I love. It was a reminder to slow down in every day of life and start to incorporate these little things throughout my days so I can have that same sense of peace and connection. Creating the time and space for ourselves is so crucial and yet so often gets pushed to the side. I wonder what things you may want to incorporate into your days and also consider what aspects of the day interfere with this time needed for ourselves. I hope a few moments of a peaceful lazy summer day can be incorporated to both my days and yours.

Jennifer Schurman, MA, LPC

Jen sees individuals, couples and families for therapy as well as leads the Monday evening Eating Disorder Therapy Group. She can be reached at (773) 929-6262 x 20 if you would like more information.