How to Eat an Elephant

How to Eat an Elephant

 

My client comes into my office, sits down and promptly bursts into tears, “I can’t do it!  It’s too hard!  I don’t even know where to begin!”

I am sure you have felt the same way – maybe even said these very words. Recovery from an eating-disorder can feel overwhelming!  Your recovery may at times feel so insurmountable that you feel defeated and completely unable to make any progress at all.   It may feel so big it would be like trying to swallow a whole elephant. 

So how do you recover?  How do you swallow an elephant?   One bite at a time! 

What is the first ‘bite’?  Where do you start swallowing the elephant?  It doesn’t matter, start anywhere! 

When we get overwhelmed and discouraged we get paralyzed.  Nothing feels like it would be good enough.  Since we don’t know what would be the perfect place to start, we don’t start at all.  This causes us to feel more overwhelmed, discouraged and anxious – and we turn back to our symptoms and behaviors to make those feelings go away.

Instead we need to break the problem down into small ‘bites’ – and it really doesn’t matter what we pick to do first – we need to just pick something that is achievable.  What small ‘bite’ feels like you would be able to do it?    Our inner critic may say, “Just stop!  Just eat normally.”  If we are bingeing several times a day that would not be do-able.  If we say, “I am going to eat, and keep, breakfast before I see my therapist” – that may be do-able.

Once we do that, we have made progress.  A tiny bit of progress leads to another ‘bite’ and then another.   Pretty soon the ‘bites’ join together and we can see pockets of progress.   We may notice after a while that eating and keeping breakfast is just a part of our routine! 

Also we do not have to do this alone!  Reaching out for support - whether in a support group, a therapy group, a positive relative or friend, or your therapist – is a big ‘bite’ of progress. 

What one small ‘bite’ feels do-able to you at this point in your recovery?  Once you decide what that one ‘bite’ is tell someone safe – because making a commitment often helps us be honest with ourselves, and keeps us accountable.  And if we are struggling, we know that we can reach out to that person to help us. 

Hang in there – you can do this, one ‘bite’ at a time!

Namastè,

Amy Grabowski 

Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC is the Director and Founder of The Awakening Center.   She is in the final editing phase of her upcoming book about recovery from eating-disorders.  You can reach her at (773) 929-6262 x11.  

ps - Amy has great respect for elephants as does not advocate eating one! ;o)

 

 

 

Falling Apart: Erin Diedling

Falling Apart

By: Erin Diedling

Falling Apart, Coming Unglued, Becoming Unraveled…It’s Good Stuff. No. really.

The idea of it sends most people running, saying uncle or plugging their ears. But it is also an act of being. An act of bravery. I speak from the front lines.

I have the great privilege to work with the brave clients who seek help in dealing with a binge-purge cycle, ADHD, OCD or the myriad other smart ways their nervous systems attempt to right the proverbial ship. I find that these clients use these tactics because they are simply looking for a way to defend against what may feel like a greater emotional pain. It’s actually quite intelligent of the body and psyche to defend against what feels scary and overwhelming. They may fear that if they don’t defend against the overwhelm, they may fall apart. But don’t underestimate the power of coming unglued…the genius of falling apart.

This is usually the difference between a client who goes away to treatment and a client who tolerates the suffering so as not to go away to treatment. That’s what treatment centers are FOR – for clients to fall apart and to have multiple safety nets in place as they do fall to pieces. It is the grateful kind of falling to pieces.

Most of the work I do in a private practice setting, while working with trauma, eating disorders and blocked artists/creatives has to do with controlled little-falling-aparts. Clients keep it together during the week and then come the weekly appointment, in a safe incubator they fall apart a tiny bit in session, do some psychoeducation, and get back on the road of day-to-day life armed with new tools and skills.

In our offices, at The Awakening Center, in a quiet, non-shaming and safe way, we hold a space for clients to gently sink into and feel those emotions. We invite them to sense inside and find a voice, an image, a color, a sense, an expression for that small quiet or scared part to speak up, to be scared, and to get the comfort – to FEEL the comfort and finally get what she needed, even if it is 20 or 30 years after the scary, annoying or triggering incident.

Sometimes it is in the falling apart that the true self can come forth. In allowing ourselves space, time and permission to fall apart, we allow things to ultimately fall INTO place.

I recently had an experience going into what I affectionately call, “the dark night of the soul”. And I don’t say that lightly. It was some of the most difficult, albeit intentional, raw space I’ve ever handled. It is my job to keep others safe. To keep it together. To be a healing force for the mental health of my clients and to forge greater awareness of trauma treatment in the world.

And yet, at the core of me, I knew I needed to fall apart. So I did. I gave myself time, space, permission and the required ethical time away from client work to go through whatever it was that would get me where I knew I needed to go. I craved greater self love. I craved putting my emotions as a priority. I wanted to KNOW what interested me. But I grew up in an environment which put all that on the back burner. There was always a fire to put out, there was always chaos or oppression to dodge.

I see this in my clients. When kids grow up in that kind of home and I ask them as adults what they prefer, what they like, what they desire, I’m often met with silence and a faraway stare. This is a new question to a client who grew up in chaos and/or trauma. If we’re lucky, we’ll actually have time to explore those preferences in therapy. They may have habits, ways to regulate the nervous system, ways to stay safe via ADHD, OCD, restricting or binging and purging, etc, etc. Habits to stay safe are one thing. But when you ask them what they WANT, what is fun, what is worth it, what is desirable, what makes them tick????? Well, that is a whole other ballgame.

Counselors often attract the kind of client they are or the kind of client who has been through what the counselor has been through. Hopefully, a good and ethical counselor will continuously do the internal work so that she can be a wise and experienced resource to her clients. That experience can only add to the compassion within the therapeutic alliance.

My compassion has increased as I see clients who are looking at the potential for unraveling. I let them know that it doesn’t have to happen all at once. That they have their answers inside. That finding the answer may involve some falling apart. It may also involve some joy.

For me, in the process of falling apart, I trusted in the universe and I trusted that the child inside could and would get the support she needed. I joyfully sank into the trust of the universe. And interestingly, the universe delivered. Gratefully, colleagues, healers, friends, even strangers showed up for me in such unusual places. I got everything I needed and more. And my heart is broken open, inviting, but protected and radiating trust. This is all new.

So, you say you’re afraid of falling apart? It’s pure genius. Go for it!

Spinning Plates on Sticks - Part 2: "Procrastination"

When I wrote my last blog article, “Spinning Plates on Sticks” way back last November (see: http://awakeningcenter.blogspot.com/2009/11/spinning-plates-on-sticks.html ) I really felt like I had tackled a big obstacle in my life. I felt free, like I had room to breathe and could work on things that had meaning and fulfillment to the bigger picture of my life. But when it was my turn to write another blog article, no matter how well intentioned I was to get it done by my due date – January 1, 2010 – I just could not sit down and write it.

The date came and went. Jolene Hwee, the intern who has been monitoring the blog, sent me a gentle reminder. My response, “I’m so busy with the Conference* I guess I’ll need to skip it this time. I promise to have an article for my next turn, April 1.” (As you can see by the date of this blog, I missed that deadline too. Although I am giving myself positive credit for at least making it in the right month.)

I needed to look at what was really going on. Yes, I am busy. Yes there’s a lot to do for the conference – but I knew these were just excuses. If I have time to play computer solitaire or watch reruns of “The Office” I have time to write one short blog article. So again I ‘went inside’ and looked at what Parts were activated by the thought of writing this article.

The first two Parts I met were locked into a circular pattern: “It has to be perfect!” and “What if it’s no good?” A third Part popped up immediately after that – this Part was elementary school aged, and since she went to a Chicago Public School (a long long time ago) she doesn’t remember ever being taught how to write, “I don’t know how! Where do I begin?” This led to an overwhelmed Part who, whenever I have a task to do, immediately thinks of all my other tasks looming ahead of me. In reaction to all this a familiar feeling of lethargy took over, “I just don’t feel like it. I’ll do it tomorrow.”

I had never really looked at this pattern before. It’s so much easier to criticize myself for procrastinating or to tritely say, “I work well under pressure.” Looking at it in this way made me realize just how much more complicated problems are than they appear on the surface.

So I started with the first two Parts. Stepping back and looking at them with curiosity, I asked, “Why does it have to be Perfect? What are you afraid would happen if it was just good enough?” ‘Gramma May’ (You met her in my last blog article) told me she was trying to protect the young Part who feels like she will be judged if others see her as less than perfect. She and I let the young Part know that this blog article doesn’t have to be perfect – it’s not that important – it’s not up for a Pulitzer! I thought of all my clients, present and past – and told the Young Part that I was just writing to them. That calmed her down a lot, since she already knew and liked these people their opinions did not feel so scary to her.

Then I turned to the one who is convinced that I truly do not know how to write and I reassured her that I truly know how to talk, so we were going to imagine that we were just talking to these people and we’ll just write what we say. Taking a deep breath I turned to the Part who sees all the tasks looming ahead, “Well, yes I do have quite a lot of things to get done, but right now we need to focus on just one. If we get one done it’s better than getting none done. And remember, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

When that one was calmer, I did not feel weighed down with lethargy. I was able to just turn on the computer, sit down and write. Actually this article has been flowing quite easily and I’m fairly pleased with the results.

I hope that this will help you step back and look with curiosity at all the Parts which contribute to your own patterns of procrastination. Once all your Parts are calmed down, maybe you can do one thing that you’ve been putting off too.

Namasté,
Amy Grabowski

*If you would like info about the 3rd Annual Midwest Eating-Disorders Conference: “Replenishing Our Toolbox: Innovative Therapies for Eating-Disordered Clients” to be held May 14, 2010 at the Skokie Conference Center in Skokie, IL please click on this link: http://awakeningcenter.net/conference/index.htm