Meditation Monday: When the World Falls Apart

By Nancy Hall, MA, NCC, LPC

In an effort to take the “manic” out of “Monday,” this weekly post explores techniques, issues, latest research, and other thoughts on meditation. Nancy facilitates two weekly meditation groups at The Awakening Center. For more information, contact her at 773.929.6262, extension 17 or nancyhalltac@gmail.com

In recent weeks, I’ve had several clients express embarrassment over talking about their own feelings and problems when the world around them seems to be on fire. Suddenly, they feel that their worries are small—even insignificant.

The violence and hatred cast long and heavy shadows over everything. But this is not new. Throughout history, humans have shown that they are capable of unspeakable acts. It is an unfortunate reality of our existence. Yet, we don’t exactly know why. Evil? Psychosis?

What we do know is that people don’t cause suffering unless they’re suffering themselves. A perfectly content, accepting, and peaceful person does not decide to murder police officers or tourists.

And acknowledging this suffering does not excuse the horrific behavior. It does, however, give us a context. Which leads me back to my clients. Each person who comes into therapy or attends a group has decided to take responsibility for his or her suffering. So while the fight with a partner or struggle at work might feel petty, processing those battles helps calm the discontent that poisons the world around us.

Many find reflecting on the world’s events can help them realize their own problems are manageable. But we can also be good at using these crises to dismiss ourselves. “People are suffering in Syria—who cares about my body image issues?”

Unfortunately, suffering is not a zero-sum game—there is plenty to go around. But there is also plenty of healing, kindness, and peace to go around too. While your pain might feel small—it isn’t. And each step toward healing yourself heals the world.

Enjoy your practice.

Meditation Monday: How We Make Our Suffering Worse

By Nancy Hall, MA, NCC, LPC

In an effort to take the “manic” out of “Monday,” this weekly post explores techniques, issues, latest research, and other thoughts on meditation. Nancy facilitates a weekly meditation group at The Awakening Center. For more information, contact her at 773.929.6262, extension 17 or nancyhalltac@gmail.com

While on a family road trip, I developed a nasty cough. My husband started the trip with a bad cold and he worried that he had passed it along to me.

            “Are you getting my cold?” he asked.

            “Nope. it’s allergies.” I insisted

            The next day:

            “Are you sure you’re not getting sick.”

            “Positive. Allergies.”

            As you’ve probably guessed, I was getting sick. In fact, when we got home, I was diagnosed with bronchitis. But when the coughing started, I did not want to admit that I was sick. I convinced myself that somehow I could will the sickness away. That almost never works.

            I’m not sure if anything would have turned out differently if I had acknowledged that I was getting sick. Would I have rested more or consumed more fluids? Maybe. Did I make myself sicker by not doing these things? Hard to say. But I certainly did myself no good by denying the reality of the situation.

            We create this sort of secondary suffering with emotional pain as well. Someone hurts our feelings; we deny, resist, or minimize our sadness or anger; the pain only intensifies.

            Everyone experiences pain—physical or mental pain. If you stub your toe, you experience physical pain; if someone says something unkind, you experience mental pain. These are examples of primary suffering. We can get caught up in pushing away or avoiding the pain. Maybe we blame ourselves or others. This makes the pain worse, which is secondary suffering.

            What would happen if we accepted the primary pain when it occurs? What if we didn’t get stuck in avoidance or obsession but instead mindfully accepted the pain that is present for what it is?

            When we engage our tools of distraction to control or avoid pain, we increase our suffering because a habit or unhelpful coping mechanism becomes entrenched. We might then have a third level of suffering to contend with—judgments, shame, or anger about how we’re coping. Turning away from pain offers temporary relief—but the return of the pain in some form or fashion is inevitable.

            But what value is there in leaning into pain and suffering? Why should we subject ourselves to that? Because no matter how long we distract, avoid, or detach, the pain and suffering that is part of human existence will remain.

            Confronting and tolerating pain builds hope.

            To do this, you have to let go of the controls. Take your hands off the steering wheel and let the pain be.

            I could not get adequate treatment for my bronchitis until I stopped resisting and trying to control it. It was only then that I could get relief in the form of medicine, rest, and—most importantly—lots and lots of sympathy. And popsicles. 

Nancy Hall, MA, NCC, LPC is a staff therapist and the intake coordinator at The Awakening Center. In addition to seeing clients for individual therapy, she leads the weekly meditation group and DBT group. Check and subscribe out her blog “All Shapes and Sizes,” which appears on Chicago Tribune’s media partner ChicagoNow.com.

Meditation Monday: Connecting to and Accepting Suffering

By Nancy Hall, MA, NCC, LPC 

In an effort to take the “manic” out of “Monday,” this weekly post explores techniques, issues, latest research, and other thoughts on meditation. Nancy facilitates a weekly meditation group at The Awakening Center. For more information, contact her at 773.929.6262, extension 17 or nancyhalltac@gmail.com

OK—I can hear the reaction. “I thought meditation is supposed to make me feel better! I’m trying to make this pain go away and now you’re saying I have to feel it?!” Yep. I am.

      The first noble truth of Buddhism is suffering exists. Ageing, illness, natural disasters are all part of this world that cause deep pain. But our suffering becomes greater when we resist accepting the pain—when we fail to acknowledge it or we engage one of our tools of distraction to numb or escape from it.

     Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBTS) offers four responses¹ to any problem that arises:

1.  Solve the problem by changing or leaving the situation
2. Change the emotional reaction to the situation
3.  Radically accept the situation and your reaction just as it is
4. Stay miserable—or make things worse

   The same responses can be applied to suffering. But before we can respond, we need to acknowledge that we have pain. We have to sit with our wounds—being fully present with them. We have to really examine how the wounds have affected our lives and how our neglect of them has created more suffering for ourselves or others.

      Meditation practice can help us be a witness to our own suffering. Given the emotions that might arise during this process, I recommend practicing with a group or therapist. But if you want to start on your own, select a challenging truth in your life that is creating moderate suffering.

• Bring to mind a situation or challenge that is causing you pain
• Breathe deeply and connect to where your body is holding on to that suffering
• What does it feel like? What is the experience for you?
• Observe and describe without judgment. Just the facts—“I notice my breathing becomes shallow” or “I feel a knot in my stomach.”
• Notice any urges to engage in distracting behaviors. Again, with compassion. If your mind wanders away from the suffering, that is not a sign of weakness. Reconnect to your breath and return to the image with gentleness and kindness
• As you observe the wound, offer yourself kind words, as if you were a friend sitting next to yourself: “I see you’re really hurt,” “I’m so sorry this is so hard,” “There is a lot of pain there.”
• Offer yourself compassion through touch. Place your hand on your heart, gently rub your arm—whatever feels right. These small gestures trigger the release of oxytocin in the brain, which creates comfort.
• Continue breathing and notice the waves of emotions. Notice how they rise and fall.

      If connecting to any level of pain or suffering becomes overwhelming, it’s OK to back away. Trust yourself. You don’t have to dive head first into the deepest depths of despair. It’s perfectly fine to touch the pain and then back away. This builds mastery and tolerance.

      Some resist connecting to pain because they feel underserving. “Others have it much worse,” or “There are people starving in the world. Who cares about my petty problems?” There is not a finite amount of suffering that is doled out according to your life circumstances. Acknowledging the pain of your own experience does not minimize or take away the suffering of a Syrian refugee. On the contrary. Connecting to our own suffering allows us to feel deeper empathy for others.

      I know this isn’t an easy task, so take it slow. Suffering is inextricably linked to being human. Acknowledging your suffering and then responding to it with kindness creates the space for joy and love to enter. So take some breaths and listen to your heart.

 Nancy Hall, MA, NCC, LPC is a staff therapist and the intake coordinator at The Awakening Center. In addition to seeing clients for individual therapy, she leads the weekly meditation group and DBT group. Check and subscribe out her blog “All Shapes and Sizes,” which appears on Chicago Tribune’s media partner ChicagoNow.com.

Notes

1. Linehan, Marsha. DBT Skills Training Manual, 2nd Edition. New York: Guilford Press, 2015.