I Go Easy on Myself.

By Sheana Tobey, MA, LPC

So, I’ve been trying this new thing for about a year now, and I dare you to try it too. Any time I notice that I am being hard on myself—or when my thoughts start to spiral out anxiously—I stop, take a deep breath, and say “I go easy on myself.” I learned this simple mantra from an old therapist of mine. I’ve been sharing this idea with loved ones whom I notice are a bit hard on themselves too. Of course it’s so much easier to have compassion for others than for ourselves, which is why this mantra is so neat to try. It is simply presenting the idea that you CAN go easy on yourself, and things will still get done. You CAN go easy on yourself and learn from your “mistakes.”

            So often, I find that we are hard on ourselves because we think we have to be. We believe the tough love approach is the ONLY thing that will keep us motivated and working toward the impossibly high bar that the American culture encourages us to set for ourselves. So, how has that been working out for all of us? For me, it created an internal environment ruled by fear of punishment and a feeling that I wasn’t doing anything _________ enough. It felt like I could ALWAYS be doing something better, more better, or even better than that. It was exhausting.      A key piece for me to learn to go easy on myself was to identify my core values and then choose to allow them to be a guiding post. Now the bar I set for myself is simply to live by my values as much as possible. There are moments, of course, as we all have, when I act outside of my value set. And that’s when I practice going easy on myself. I go easy on myself so I can move forward with an internal environment that is nurturing and allows for growth. I am able to take these moments and learn from them, rather than become ashamed of them.

            Another large piece of learning was to acknowledge and allow myself to make these “mistakes” and then recognize that it is a human thing to do. I used to believe everyone else was allowed to make “mistakes” except for me. My bar told me I had to be perfect or get as close as possible to perfect. Only then would I have value as a person; only then would I be loveable. Once I allowed myself to make mistakes and go easy on myself when I did, I noticed that I still had value. I noticed that the people around me still loved me. The bar I set for myself wasn’t the bar anyone else even dreamed of setting for me. They just loved me. Because I am loveable. And so are you. So. Is. Everyone! Every. Single. Person. In. This. World. Was. Born. Loveable. Period. And you are no exception.

            So, I encourage you to give this a try. Introduce the idea that you are allowed to go easy on yourself by using this mantra any time your thoughts are spiraling anxiously, or anytime you are being hard on yourself. Stop. Take a deep breath. “I go easy on myself.” Repeat as many times as needed.

Sheana is a Licensed Professional Counselor at The Awakening Center working with individuals and groups. She creates an empathic, accepting environment in which she walks with her clients on a path toward peace and happiness. For inquiries or to set up an appointment, please contact her at (773)929-6262 Ext. 16 or TobeySheana@gmail.com.

P.S. If you need help identifying your values, try Googling “list of core values.” Find a list that has A LOT, even one that feels like it’s too many. Then, write down next to each one a V if the value is very important to you, an I if the value is important to you, and an N if the value is not important to you. Then, see if you can identify your top 6 values. See if you can put those in order of importance. If it’s too hard to narrow it down to 6, go for 10 or 20. Whatever works for you. If you can’t identify 6, only list the ones that make sense for you. If you have questions, feel free to reach out and ask or leave them in the comment section below.

Our Daily Triumphs

By Nancy G. Hall, MA, LCPC

Let’s demystify therapy a bit. It is not taking inventory of all of our faults. It’s not sheepishly listing all the ways you “failed” at recovery. But most of my clients excel at that skill. They can list all their missteps, outline how they fell short, and describe in excruciating detail all the evidence that confirms they are unworthy pieces of garbage. But what happens when I ask what went right? How were they good enough? Blink … blink … that’s a tough one. I’ll admit that it’s tough for me too.

            Evolution has wisely provided us with a negativity bias, which means that our brains tend to hold on to negative experiences rather than positive ones. How is that wise? Well, it was more important for our prehistoric ancestors to remember where the saber-toothed tiger was instead of where the pretty flowers grew. The negativity bias helped ensure our survival. But this useful survival tool can become a hindrance in our relationships and sense of self-worth.

            So how do we introduce intention to our negativity bias? Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers a few ideas to remind us that we don’t fail at everything all the time.

            We can use the skill of Building Mastery to tap into that sense of accomplishment. These do not have to be monumental, life-changing challenges. They can be small—working a crossword puzzle, trying a new recipe. Or taking up a new sport of craft.

            Building Mastery is a key component in what DBT calls Coping Ahead. Emotions can be tough to manage or regulate. And they’re even tougher when we’re in pain, not rested, or hungry. So we need to tend to those needs but also reach further. By choosing to set daily challenges for ourselves, we foster a sense of accomplishment and competence. We become mindful of what we can do instead of ruminating over what we cannot do. So when the difficult emotion starts to dislodge our inner anchor, we have a series of experiences that remind us that we are competent and able and can withstand the current challenge.

            It’s hard to understand how doing a daily crossword puzzle can help when anxiety knocks you off your feet. But each reminder of our competency counters the self-judgment that waits to pounce at the slightest hint of imperfection. So set those daily challenges. And bask in your triumphs!

Nancy is a staff therapist at The Awakening Center. In addition to seeing clients for individual therapy, she facilitates the adult DBT group and the Eating Disorder Therapy Group. Like her on Facebook and subscribe to her personal blog.

Finding What Makes You Come Alive

Photo courtesy of Nancy Hall

By Rachel Baker, MA, LPC

In recent months, many of us have felt the desire to give back, to stand up for what we believe in, to become politically active--in short, to make the world a better place. Watching the news and reading our social media feeds, it is clear that there is a lot of work to be done. This can feel like an incredibly daunting task! So, how do we begin?

            First, it’s important to remind ourselves, we are each just one person, and we only have to do our share of the work. Phew! Now the task is to figure out what MY share of the work is going to look like. Howard Thurman said, “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” The world needs us to hone in on the issues that makes us feel most alive, most energized, most ourselves.

            A great place to start is to really explore what makes you come alive. Do you feel energized while creating art? Do you feel most alive playing pick-up softball with friends? Do you feel most yourself while giving a speech on a topic that excites you, or do you prefer one-on-one conversation? Maybe you love being around animals. Whatever it is, it’s helpful to get clear about the things that light you up.

            Second, get curious about the world issues that you care about most. Which articles to do stop scrolling through your newsfeed to read? Do you turn up the volume on news stories about environmental issues, women’s rights, Black Lives Matter, education, religious freedom, education, or something else entirely? It’s likely that you care about many issues, and getting clear about one or two that you care about most will help inform how you decide to take action.

            Now it’s time to put it all together. How can you use what makes you come alive to support issues and organizations that you care about? If hanging out with your friends on a Friday night feels awesome, why not start the night by writing letters to your House Representative regarding an issue you all feel passionate about? If you love to perform, could you present a concert to benefit an organization you care about? If you love animals, volunteering at an animal shelter might be right for you. Don’t be afraid to get creative! The world need to you to “come alive.”

Volunteering Websites

www.volunteermatch.org

www.chicagocares.org

Rachel is a staff therapist at The Awakening Center. In addition to seeing clients for individual therapy, she co-leads the Yoga-Informed Therapy Group. You can reach Rachel at 773.929.6262.

Meditation Monday: Your Authentic Self

By Nancy Hall, MA, NCC, LPC

In an effort to take the “manic” out of “Monday,” this weekly post explores techniques, issues, latest research, and other thoughts on meditation. Nancy facilitates a weekly meditation group at The Awakening Center. For more information, contact her at 773.929.6262, extension 17 or nancyhalltac@gmail.com

In helping clients find their core, inner wisdom, we often start by taking an inventory of their values. What matters to them? How do they define “right” and “wrong”? In listening for the answers, some discover their values do not align with their parents’ or upbringing. This can be disconcerting but at the same time freeing.

Meditation allows you to reflect upon whether what you’ve been told you think, feel, or believe actually meshes with your true self. By quieting the chatter in your mind, you can begin to connect more fully with what you know to be true about yourself.

Many who struggle with eating disorders grew up in or currently live in invalidating environments. If you feel that there is something deeply wrong with you, then to fit in—or remain part of the pack—you might try to change yourself. Or, to cope with the shame, you might seek numbing or distracting behaviors.

The road out of that suffering, is to learn to validate yourself. And to validate yourself, you have to know yourself. And to know yourself, you have to listen to what your inner wisdom tells you about how you think or feel or what you believe.

A helpful visualization is to imagine you’re standing in an open room and that all of the masks you wear or defenses you carry are stripped away one by one. Who is left standing? What does that person value? What is that person like?

You might begin by being an outside observer of yourself. With compassion and curiosity, see if you can notice what motivates you? What inspires you? Then, invite yourself to step into this person—what does it feel like to be present without the masks? What does it feel like to embody your values?

You might not feel safe taking this embodiment out into the real world, but using meditation to get to know your true inner self will move your journey forward.

Enjoy your practice.