I Go Easy on Myself.

By Sheana Tobey, MA, LPC

So, I’ve been trying this new thing for about a year now, and I dare you to try it too. Any time I notice that I am being hard on myself—or when my thoughts start to spiral out anxiously—I stop, take a deep breath, and say “I go easy on myself.” I learned this simple mantra from an old therapist of mine. I’ve been sharing this idea with loved ones whom I notice are a bit hard on themselves too. Of course it’s so much easier to have compassion for others than for ourselves, which is why this mantra is so neat to try. It is simply presenting the idea that you CAN go easy on yourself, and things will still get done. You CAN go easy on yourself and learn from your “mistakes.”

            So often, I find that we are hard on ourselves because we think we have to be. We believe the tough love approach is the ONLY thing that will keep us motivated and working toward the impossibly high bar that the American culture encourages us to set for ourselves. So, how has that been working out for all of us? For me, it created an internal environment ruled by fear of punishment and a feeling that I wasn’t doing anything _________ enough. It felt like I could ALWAYS be doing something better, more better, or even better than that. It was exhausting.      A key piece for me to learn to go easy on myself was to identify my core values and then choose to allow them to be a guiding post. Now the bar I set for myself is simply to live by my values as much as possible. There are moments, of course, as we all have, when I act outside of my value set. And that’s when I practice going easy on myself. I go easy on myself so I can move forward with an internal environment that is nurturing and allows for growth. I am able to take these moments and learn from them, rather than become ashamed of them.

            Another large piece of learning was to acknowledge and allow myself to make these “mistakes” and then recognize that it is a human thing to do. I used to believe everyone else was allowed to make “mistakes” except for me. My bar told me I had to be perfect or get as close as possible to perfect. Only then would I have value as a person; only then would I be loveable. Once I allowed myself to make mistakes and go easy on myself when I did, I noticed that I still had value. I noticed that the people around me still loved me. The bar I set for myself wasn’t the bar anyone else even dreamed of setting for me. They just loved me. Because I am loveable. And so are you. So. Is. Everyone! Every. Single. Person. In. This. World. Was. Born. Loveable. Period. And you are no exception.

            So, I encourage you to give this a try. Introduce the idea that you are allowed to go easy on yourself by using this mantra any time your thoughts are spiraling anxiously, or anytime you are being hard on yourself. Stop. Take a deep breath. “I go easy on myself.” Repeat as many times as needed.

Sheana is a Licensed Professional Counselor at The Awakening Center working with individuals and groups. She creates an empathic, accepting environment in which she walks with her clients on a path toward peace and happiness. For inquiries or to set up an appointment, please contact her at (773)929-6262 Ext. 16 or TobeySheana@gmail.com.

P.S. If you need help identifying your values, try Googling “list of core values.” Find a list that has A LOT, even one that feels like it’s too many. Then, write down next to each one a V if the value is very important to you, an I if the value is important to you, and an N if the value is not important to you. Then, see if you can identify your top 6 values. See if you can put those in order of importance. If it’s too hard to narrow it down to 6, go for 10 or 20. Whatever works for you. If you can’t identify 6, only list the ones that make sense for you. If you have questions, feel free to reach out and ask or leave them in the comment section below.

Religious Freedom and Religious Tolerance--Not the Same Thing

By Julia A. Maher, LCSW

“We have to respect others and we have to understand and not discriminate on the basis of faith. … When you mix politics and religion, you get the worst of everything.”

--Zainab Al-Suwaij, co-founder of The American Islamic Congress

One of the values that makes the United States such a beacon of hope to those living outside our borders is our commitment to religious freedom. In fact, the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution guarantees our right to the “free exercise” of whatever religion (or lack thereof) we choose. Although anyone residing in the United States is protected by this right, our religious freedom is not always respected or even tolerated.

Religious tolerance--the idea of which would seem to be embedded in the text of the First Amendment--is an ideal that we continue to have to strive for. In today’s fractured political environment, candidates are often identified by their faith and not necessarily their experience. As we saw in our last election cycle, there are divisions--even within faith traditions--as to what is “right” and what is “wrong.” When people’s beliefs are challenged in a way that is not respectful, it can become hard to listen to an opposing view.

The first step towards religious tolerance is to remove the idea of “the other.” At times, we can be afraid or suspicious of someone who is not like us--whether it is their religious faith, the color of their skin, or the person that they love. And when you think about it, this “othering” creates many of the obstacles we face as we try to be tolerant. If we can think of our differences as qualities that make us unique (and not “the other”), then we will have demonstrated respect and civility.

The second step toward religious tolerance is to remember those “red flag” words that Sheana described in a previous post. Avoid using always, never, and should (with the exception of “I will always love you”). We can be certain of some things; however the vast majority of our experience here on earth is not that assured. For example, we may decide to have oatmeal for breakfast tomorrow morning--although we told a friend we always have cereal.

And finally, remember that saying, “walk a mile in their shoes”? Try it! Every human being here on earth has challenges that we may know nothing about. When someone wants to talk to you about how their religious faith is the “real” one, suspend your “other” thinking and give them a listen. You might be surprised at what you learn.

Julia is a Staff Therapist at The Awakening Center. She works with individuals and families and is fluent in Spanish.

Celebrating Acceptance: Dealing with Uncertainty

Photo courtesy of Nancy Hall

By Nancy Hall, MA, NCC, LPC

In Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly she states: 

I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, let’s think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow—that’s vulnerability.

This notion of uncertainty often trips us up. While intellectually we know we can’t foresee every risk or predict every outcome, we continue to armor ourselves against hurt. We keep our defenses fortified so that we can be protected from the sneak attack of hurt or rejection. We avoid vulnerability until we feel certain that we won’t get hurt—until we’ve collected enough evidence and data.

Sounds logical, right? After all, we’re not going to offer up our hearts without evaluating the risks. And that’s important—to a point.

The problem with looking for certainty is that it doesn’t exist. We can never know for sure that we won’t be hurt or rejected. We can play the odds, consider other people’s past behavior, and pay attention to our gut. But certainty in relationships doesn’t exist. But that’s not all bad news.

Uncertainty allows us to learn and grow; it challenges us and is the avenue for deeper relationships. Uncertainty spurs us to learn to trust ourselves. To believe that even if the worst were to happen, that we’ll be OK. When (not if) hurt and rejection occur, we can find our inner resilience and grow from the experience.

The Awaken to Action theme at The Awakening Center for December is Acceptance. So I challenge you to accept uncertainty—to notice where you’re clinging to or desperately seeking certainty. Notice how accepting uncertainty can create opportunities for closeness and vulnerability. Remember, acceptance doesn’t mean approval—it’s merely acknowledging the reality of the situation.

So when you’re grasping for certainty that is elusive—try saying to yourself, “this is how it is right now.” That phrase alone creates acceptance in your heart.

Like us on Facebook to keep track of the Celebrate Acceptance challenges for December.

Nancy is a staff therapist at The Awakening Center. In addition to seeing clients for individual therapy, she facilitates the adult DBT group and the Eating Disorder Therapy Group. Like her on Facebook and subscribe to her personal blog. 

Meditation Monday: Lessons from a Busted AC

By Nancy Hall, MA, NCC, LPC

In an effort to take the “manic” out of “Monday,” this weekly post explores techniques, issues, latest research, and other thoughts on meditation. Nancy facilitates two weekly meditation groups at The Awakening Center. For more information, contact her at 773.929.6262, extension 17 or nancyhalltac@gmail.com

The air conditioning at The Awakening Center has not been working for nearly two weeks. And when I say not working, I mean dead, kaput, get out the bugle and play “Taps.” And it’s been hot here in Chicago. Needless to say, my reaction to this hasn’t been the most gracious.

I actually like summer. But I do not like to be hot indoors. There is something about it that makes me feel sort of cornered. It’s hard to describe. I get antsy and distracted. I fantasize about driving around with the AC on max. I look for a reason to go to a grocery store so I can loiter in the frozen foods section. Being outside in hot weather is different from being inside. It just is.

I know—first-world problem. I have lived without AC and survived it just fine. But it took a recent group and time with my clients to help me gain some perspective and get my sweaty head out of my own…well, you know.

During the most recent meditation group, the window was open and fans were on high. Birds sang as I led the group through a progressive relaxation. As we processed the meditation, one participant noted how once her eyes were closed, she felt like a kid again. The gentle whirring of the fans and the street sounds took her back to summertime from her childhood. Days spent playing and then napping when the heat became overwhelming. She remembered lying on the couch, pulling her hair up off her neck, hoping for a little relief.

These were not days without stress or worry. But she was able to connect to moments of presence. When time seemed to stand still as the sweat rolled down her temple. To a time when acceptance was the only option when it came to summer heat.

I realized then that fighting the heat just made me feel more uncomfortable. The more I worried about my melting makeup, my sagging humidity-laden hair, or whether I put on enough deodorant, the more disconnected I became. Yes, it’s been hot and stuffy and sticky and stinky—all of that. But so what. It’s also been vibrant and alive—which is wonderful.

Oh, and a new AC is on its way thank goodness!

Enjoy your practice.

Meditation Monday: Embracing Impermanence

By Nancy Hall, MA, NCC, LPC

In an effort to take the “manic” out of “Monday,” this weekly post explores techniques, issues, latest research, and other thoughts on meditation. Nancy facilitates a weekly meditation group at The Awakening Center. For more information, contact her at 773.929.6262, extension 17 or nancyhalltac@gmail.com

Sometimes we feel stuck—convinced our suffering will never end. The fact is, our experience is always changing. And even our worst suffering will not—cannot—stay the same. But there are times when we cling to experiences or feelings—we fight impermanence, not wanting to let go. This also leads to suffering as we simply cannot hold onto things that are always changing.

            Change or impermanence does not necessarily mean things are progressing on a straight line. The reality of change is that it tends to be circular, or there is an ebbing and flowing. Sometimes we believe we are stuck in an unwanted emotion or behavior pattern, but if we examine closely, we’ll see there are slight differences—in the behavior, our emotions, our judgments.

            Accepting impermanence allows us to treasure the present moment. Clinging to an experience we simply don’t want to end or despairing that we may emotionally suffer forever takes us out of our bodies and into the trance of thinking. We churn and ruminate. But the world continues to change and evolve whether we notice it or not.

            I created the following imagery to explore the notion of impermanence a bit further.

• Take a moment and imagine that you are in an orchard of trees—and it is spring time. All the trees are in bloom.    
• Move in to one particular tree—notice its blooms
• Notice any emotions or feelings that arise as you look at this flower
• What does it feel like to enjoy this flower even though you know it will drop and die soon?
• Now imagine time has passed and the flower has withered and fallen to the ground
• What emotions arise in you?
• Does your sense of loss come from worry that you’ll never see another flower as beautiful as this one was? Do you know this to be true?
• While feeling the loss, invite yourself to connect to gratitude for having the experience of observing the flower. Connect to the hope that spring flowers will come again.

       Accepting impermanence can be the route to hope. We can accept our pain and acknowledge that it won’t last forever—hope can stabilize us as we cope with the reality of our pain. But judgment and self-criticism stifles hope. So it’s important to have a mindfulness practice so that you can catch yourself going down that rabbit hole.

            Whether you accept it or not, change is a part of the human existence. Embracing impermanence can help you be fully present in your life.

Nancy Hall, MA, NCC, LPC is a staff therapist and the intake coordinator at The Awakening Center. In addition to seeing clients for individual therapy, she leads the weekly meditation group and co-leads the Somatic-Experience-Informed Trauma Healing Group. Check and subscribe out her blog “All Shapes and Sizes,” which appears on Chicago Tribune’s media partner ChicagoNow.com.

Meditation Monday: Listening

By Nancy Hall, MA, NCC, LPC

In an effort to take the “manic” out of “Monday,” this weekly post explores techniques, issues, latest research, and other thoughts on meditation. Nancy facilitates a weekly meditation group at The Awakening Center. For more information, contact her at 773.929.6262, extension 17 or nancyhalltac@gmail.com

I’m often in awe of our problem-solving abilities. There seems to be no challenge or obstacle that we as people cannot overcome. Human beings can be tireless and able to reach amazing heights.

Doing is very important, but we need to remember to keep it in balance. In meditation, we pause to listen.

Listening is a unique activity in that it requires us to receive instead of do. To really listen to a friend or loved one, we have to stop, focus, and closely tune in. We allow the information to flow in, accepting it as it comes. A barrier to listening is often our attempts to formulate a response while the other person is still talking. Or we might be distracted by an opinion or judgment about what is being said.

We fall into this trap with ourselves as well. Meditation helps us listen to ourselves. We can listen to the surface of the body and to the interior of our experience. We listen to our breath. But we also tune in to our relationship to the information that we’re receiving.

Here’s an example. In my inner reflection and listening, I might notice that I am hungry. But I might resist this information, telling myself that I had a substantial breakfast so I shouldn’t be hungry. I might tell myself that my hunger is a sign of weakness. Or I might just tell myself that it’s time for a snack. Often our resistance or acceptance of our experience informs the emotion that is then experienced.

In the practice of meditation, we listen at different levels. We attend to the specific experience and then notice our thoughts or feelings about that experience. Think of it as the meta-commentary that runs through our minds.

By anchoring ourselves in our breath and learning to allow our experiences to simply exist, we begin to dismantle that resistance.

Nancy Hall, MA, NCC, LPC is a staff therapist and the intake coordinator at The Awakening Center. In addition to seeing clients for individual therapy, she leads the weekly meditation group and co-leads the Somatic-Experience-Informed Trauma Healing Group. Check and subscribe out her blog “All Shapes and Sizes,” which appears on Chicago Tribune’s media partner ChicagoNow.com.

Project Be(You)tiful

By The Awakening Center’s Graduate Interns

What do you like most about your body? We recently posed this question to the students attending Loyola University’s Wellness Fair. Once the students decided what they liked most, we asked them to write it on a sticky note and place it on a poster of a blank outline of the human body. Gradually, the body began to take on a form, created by sticky notes. “My hair.” “My smile.” “My boobs.” “My strong legs.” “My unclogged arteries.” “My forearms—they’re jacked.” “My skin.”

            Unlike the photos of the body that we see daily in the media—which represent an “ideal” body that excludes almost everyone—our Post-it person was created through shared affirmation. It was amazing to see how students who were reluctant to participate, or groaned that there was nothing they liked about their bodies, embraced the activity once they saw how many other people had chosen to affirm something they liked about their body. The students created a new, ideal representation of the body that included all sizes, races, genders, and sexual orientations. It was a body that represented both the dignity of the individual and the joy of community. By choosing to love their own bodies, the students contributed towards creating a new ideal.

            We invite you to answer this question for yourself today. What do you like most about your body? What could change if you took a moment every day to remind yourself of your answer?

All the spots for our Body Image Workshop scheduled for October 25 from 1pm to 3pm have been filled; if you’d like to be added to the waitlist you can contact Adriana Speiker at aspeiker@my.adler.edu. Or, Follow The Awakening Center on Facebook or Twitter to find out about all of our upcoming workshops, groups, and events.

Myths of Recovery - #1

There are many myths about recovery – and in this Blog I’d like to highlight one of them.  The myth is: “If I recover, then all the people in my life will be different.  Everyone will recover along with me.  And I will never have to deal with difficult or dysfunctional people ever again.”

Oh if only that were true!  I know that some families are motivated enough to do the deep difficult work to change along with their daughter or son who is recovering.  But many families are not.  Some will do some surface work and change a behavior or two – and some may even maintain those changes for a long while, maybe forever! 

But many of my clients come from families that are resistant to change because their own Parts are so extreme and may not have the “Self-energy” to tolerate the discomfort necessary to make lasting changes. 

So I tell my clients, “Your family may not recover along with you.  They are who they are!”  And then my clients have to do double work, they have to do the deep difficult work necessary to recover – and they have to find a way to maintain that recovery in a family that may stay as difficult and dysfunctional as ever. 

Some clients resist accepting that their families will not change – and they may use a lot of time and energy to get their families to change.  They may even put their own recovery on hold while they try and try and try and try, thinking, “If I try hard enough, then they will be different, and if they are different, then they will love me.” 

I have an analogy that I give to illustrate the futile nature of this.  Your friends go to a pet store and come home with kittens and puppies.  You see them cuddling with and petting these pets and you want one too.  So you go to the pet store and they hand you a box.  You go home and open the box and find that it’s a hedgehog!  You want to cuddle and pet the hedgehog, but when you try, you get hurt by the prickly spines. 

There are some good things about having a hedgehog – they are unusual animals and I’m sure they do some fun things.  But you have to be careful when you handle a hedgehog.  You may need to wear special gloves and wrap the hedgehog in a protective towel.

No matter what you do, a hedgehog will not turn into a kitten or a puppy.  If you are really nice, the hedgehog will still be a hedgehog.  If you give it a lot of money, it still will be a hedgehog.  If you lose weight, it’s still a hedgehog.  If you are perfect, it’s still a hedgehog.  It will never, ever turn into a kitten or puppy.

For those of you who come from difficult or dysfunctional families the same is true – we may not get the same things as our friends get from their families.  There may be some unique things about our families that we can enjoy, but we may need to handle them in special ways – ways that our friends don’t have to do. And no matter what we do, they will always be the way they are.  “They are who they are!”

When we can accept our families the way they are, when we stop spending so much time and energy trying to get them to change, then we can work on the “special ways to handle” our families so our recovery isn’t derailed every time we are with them.

I hope you ponder what “special ways” do you need to learn to handle your family?   You may want to read another of my Blog articles: “Changing The Game” to learn a fun way to deal with your family: http://awakeningcenter.blogspot.com/2011_11_01_archive.html

Namaste,

Amy Grabowski

Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC is the Director of The Awakening Center.  She established The Awakening Center 20 years ago!  Yet, she feels like it was only yesterday!

The Trance of Keeping It All Together

By Nancy Hall, M.A.

My son had a hard time adjusting to first grade. He’d come home tired and crabby, and the smallest provocation would trigger a full-blown meltdown. I’m talking nuclear. I had heard about other kids being very tired after a full school day, but I was not prepared for such hard-core trench warfare.

My dear friend Sue has kids older than mine, and she explained the dynamic perfectly. Imagine you start your day with an empty tray, like the ones servers carry in restaurants. Someone walks by and places a half-full glass of water on your tray. “No big deal,” you think. “I can handle just one glass.” Then another person places another glass on your tray; a third person does the same. “It’s just a few glasses. I can arrange them just so and everything is in balance.” Now imagine that throughout your whole day, people are adding to your tray. It gets fuller and fuller and harder and harder to keep steady. When you think you’ve got just about all you can handle, one more person comes by and puts a teeny-tiny Dixie cup of water on the tray and **KERPLOOSH!** Everything goes flying. Glasses. Water. The tray ends up on the ground. But it was just one teeny-tiny Dixie cup? How could it create such a calamity?

My insightful friend pointed out that this is what first grade is like. As my son went through his day, his metaphorical tray was getting loaded up. And all it took was me adding my little Dixie cup for him to buckle under all that pressure.

As we grow up, we get better at stacking things on our trays. But we can be so caught up in trying to balance and hold on to everything, that we don’t realize that we’re buckling under the pressure as well. Our arm and hand certainly send signals, but we ignore them, telling ourselves that we can handle the pressure and take on just a little bit more.

Our bodies are very good and sending messages to our brains when we’re in physical or emotional distress. Our stomachs tie up in knots; our heads pound. When we practice mindfulness, we can begin to pay attention to these important cues.

Meditation is a path to mindfulness. It allows us to take time to listen to our bodies so we can learn what we need to attend to. While meditation might seem passive, it is actually quite active. It is simultaneously a stillness and an awakening. Meditation does not have to be complicated but it requires a commitment.

So as you go through your day, make the commitment to becoming a bit more mindful. That way, you can adjust accordingly to avoid upending your tray.

Join me this Saturday, 9/27, noon-2pm, at The Awakening Center for a meditation workshop. Registration is required and the fee is $20. Contact me at nancyhalltac@gmail.com to sign up.

Also, I will be starting a weekly meditation group in October. Visit and “Like” The Awakening Center’s Facebook page or check back here for details as they come!

Putting Recovery in Your Own Hands

Putting Recovery on Your Hands
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

If you don't count calories, exercise or focus on your appearance, what do you do? How does one actually recover? You can't just go out and buy a "self". Many years ago a client asked me to come up with my top 10 recovery tips "a la David Letterman". When I describe total recovery to a client I use the ten fingers to illustrate needing both halves to recover fully. Each finger represents a different aspect needed for recovery.

The first five points, the fingers on the left hand, will sound very familiar and you may have a reaction very similar to Maureen, "When I read all this stuff about eating when you're hungry, I want to scream! If I could eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full I wouldn't need the book! I have no idea anymore when I'm hungry and I'm petrified if I let myself eat what I want because I won't be able to stop. I just don't have that kind of trust in my body. After so many years of denying my hunger, I don't even know what hunger is anymore. I haven't a clue what genuine fullness feels like either. The whole relearning to eat experience is very frightening!"

I assure you that I know what you are talking about, when I was in the depths of my eating disorder I probably was more able to sprout wings and fly than eat normally. And that's the point I am trying to make, you need the second half before you can do the first. So that is why I am writing the second half of the book, the sense of Self half, first. Because you have to resolve these issues first, otherwise your eating will always be tense. When you have a sense of Self, the eating half can relax and fall into place.

Other people have the opposite reaction. As Michelle put it, "When I hear 'Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full' I have mixed feelings. My initial thought is "Yea right, as if it's that simple!". But, in the same token it's very comforting because it is that simple. It all comes down to learning to listen to my body. As challenging as that can be in the grip of an eating disorder, it really does become simple upon recovery." I want to point out that simple is not the same as easy. At times, simple instructions can elicit feelings of guilt, fear, shame, and failure– "Why can't I just stop this?!" Our inner critic reminds us what we "should" eat and then yells at us when we can't do it. This is because it doesn't acknowledge that the eating is a symptom of the deeper problem. As long as the deeper problem remains, eating will be a battleground.

So hang in there reading through points one through five because I assure you that in future chapters you will learn how to do points six through ten. But if you feel like Maureen and have to skip ahead, I understand.

Starting with the food, eating, weight and body hand, the thumb represents "I eat when I am hungry". (See I told you that it would sound familiar…) That's the shorthand version. But it's much deeper than that. When we analyze it, this point implies that you are able to slow down enough to listen to your body and recognizing your body's signals for hunger. These signals are different for everybody, for every body. These signals are going to be different for every situation, for every day. It also suggests being comfortable with having hunger, with your body's nutritional needs, and allowing yourself to eat each and every time your body becomes hungry. 

The second finger represents "I eat a wide variety of foods." This means that you are able to ask your body what it wants to eat, and then choose foods that would be a good match for what your body asked for. You are also able to give yourself permission to choose from any food at all. All foods are equal, there are no "bad" foods and there are no "good" foods.

The third finger represents, "I stop when I am full." You already have heard this one – it's the one that makes everyone say, "I can't do it! I just can't stop eating once I start. I have no control! That's why I have to monitor myself so closely." In a way this sounds harder than it is. I want to reiterate that if you only work on the food half then this aspect will always be a struggle. Stopping when you are full implies that you are able to slow down your eating and listen to your body's signals for fullness. Also, you need to eat mindfully, eating in ways that heighten your feelings of satisfaction. Consistently clients have found that being satisfied is more important than being full.

If the third point sounds harder than it is, then the fourth point "I forget about it afterwards and get on with my life!" is harder than it sounds. "Normal" eaters don't think about what they've eaten, even if they've eaten too much. They may rub their stomachs and moan, "Oh I ate too much!" But then they go cut the grass, work on the computer, whatever. How are they able to do this? They have what I call body trust. They know their body, they know that their body will digest whatever they've eaten and eventually get back to hunger again. If they have overeaten, they know that it just takes longer for their body to get back to hunger. And while they are waiting to get back to hunger, they don't think about it, they don't beat themselves up! You too, can learn how to trust your body.

The last point on this hand is a big job for such a small finger. The pinky finger represents "I accept, love and appropriately move the body I was given genetically". I feel that this is such a large aspect of recovery that I have devoted a whole section of the book to it. This is very difficult to do in our society where we are constantly bombarded with messages that no matter what you look like, it isn't good enough. Our culture is working towards acceptance of diversity of race, ethnicity, and color. But it still does not accept that people come in a wide variety of body types and sizes.

This aspect of recovery means living outside of societal norms. It means refusing to listen to messages about what your body "should" look like. It means stopping every negative thought about your body and learning to accept it as it is. When we can learn to listen to our body's signals for hunger and fullness, we also start to hear its signals for movement and rest. My clients are often surprised at how often their bodies want to move, to dance, jump, skip, swim. When they stop and listen to their bodies, they may become aware of "antsy–ness" when they are zoning out in front of the TV. They also learn to respect the body's need for rest and rejuvenation. 

Okay for those of you who skipped ahead you can start reading now. The second half, the right hand is symbolizes the primary issues to work on, the ones that if lacking make the other half always tense. These next five points are what I consider the essential emotional and spiritual aspects of recovery.

The thumb of the right hand represents "I know who I am". The tag line for The Awakening Center is "Discover who you were meant to be." This is the sense of Self I mentioned earlier. In the next chapter I will describe this sense of Self in depth, but briefly it is a deep–seated calm feeling of personal strength that is always with you, no matter what.

The next finger is "I like who I am". This means being at peace with all your various parts. Living each day in harmony and cooperation with your Self. I often say to my clients that the most important part of recovery is answering two questions "Who am I?" and "Am I OK?" Once you have the answer to the first question, you realize the answer to the second one is, "Yes". Since all babies are born pure and innocent, the answer is always, "Yes". But you have to come to that answer yourself.

The third finger on this hand represents: "I have a direction and a purpose for my life". This point is about finding meaning in one's life. Being able to put life in perspective, knowing what is important and what really is trivial. Learning to live life with our values and ethics in a fulfilling manner.

The ring finger is "I have the confidence and the tools to get there". Having a direction and purpose isn't enough, because life isn't always going to cooperate. Sometimes it will and things will fall right into our laps. But many times we really have to work for something. This point includes learning coping mechanisms, tools, skills and resources that we may not have learned when we were younger.

Again the last finger has such a big job "I have healthy relationships". This point is about learning to relate to others through your Self and relating in a way that brings out the Self in others as well. If the person can only relate through their parts, it means that you stay in your Self as much as possible anyway. Being able to connect to others, both give and take, in a meaningful and reciprocal way.

I think of the two halves complimenting each other like a three dimensional yin–yang. Just like the two hands, when we put all the points of the two halves together our life can be at peace. Every once in a while you have to work on something, to take care of problems. Afterwards life becomes calm again.

So you can see the answer lies in finding your Self. I encourage you to keep reading and "Discover who you were meant to be."

Amy Grabowski

Control...What Is It?

Control...What Is It?
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

 

"I am out of control!" "He was trying to control me!" "I have no control!" "I lost control!" "I want to feel in control of my life?"

In my 9 years of practice, the one word that I hear the most is "Control". What is it? Why do so many people want it? How do you get it and use it?

During my first session with new clients, I help them to set goals for the course of therapy. Inevitably they say they want to feel "in control". But when I ask them to define control, they find it is very difficult to define. They will usually say what it is by describing how they do NOT want to feel when they don't have it, "I don't want to feel crazed, like the world is running past me and I can't catch up." or "I don't want to feel like I have no choice, like I just have to do what the other person expects of me."

The Webster's dictionary has many definitions for control: "the power to regulate or guide; to hold back, restrain; to exercise authority over; direct; command". But the control that these clients describe is more elusive than that. It is a feeling of having the ability to regulate and guide your own actions. It is a feeling of confidence and competence that you can handle whatever happens in day to day life. It is also a deep core feeling of strength that you can tap into so that you will feel your life is your own.

I want to make an illustration to help you understand control in a way that makes it attainable. Think of this whole newsletter as the whole World. The big circle is your world. And the small dark circle inside the large circle is all that you can control in the whole world. When you control what is yours to control (the small dark circle) and do not attempt to control what is not yours to control (the big circle or more), then you feel "in control". But when you try to control what is outside the dark circle, you are trying to control what is not yours to control, you feel as if you have "no control". If you do not control what is yours to control in the dark circle, you will feel "out of control". And moreover if you allow someone else to take over and control what is yours to control then you feel "controlled" by them. The combination of all of these different ways of not being "in control" makes people feel intense feelings such as anger, resentment, or anxiety which they then call "losing control".

"Jill" had a habit of never putting gas in her car (not controlling something that was hers to control). Several times on her way to our therapy sessions, Jill called me saying she had run out of gas, feeling very anxious (out of control). Jill's mother used to constantly remind Jill to put gas in her car (letting someone else control something that is yours to control), and Jill would complain to me that her mother was always telling her what to do. "She's trying to control me and my life." I pointed out to Jill how her own behavior reinforced and perpetuated the problem with her mother. Jill realized that by taking back control of the situation, by making sure that her gas tank was always full, her mother was able to back down and Jill again felt in control of her own life.

Another problem is when some people seek control the same as they seek perfection. They think that if they are always in control, then they will never say or do the wrong thing, they will never make a mistake and then bad things will never happen to them. Because they have a hard time not being in control of everything, they tend to overwhelm themselves (lose control) by trying to do too many things, perfectly. It is hard for them to allow others to do things for them, because they often feel that "If you want something done right, then you have to do it yourself." They, also, want to control everything that other people think, say and do, and the thought that other people may have negative feelings or thoughts about them is unbearable.

"Kelly" often found herself feeling out of control. She felt her husband was controlling her. Her husband was an outspoken man and often suggested that Kelly do things a certain way. She would do these things even when she didn't feel like it or want to because she said "He made me do it". She also felt that she could not do things she wanted to because, "He won't let me." My reply was that unless someone has a weapon, they cannot "make you" do anything. We discussed what was controlling her, and she realized that she was afraid to disagree with her husband because he might get angry at her. When we pursued this further, she did not think that he would ever hurt her in any way, but just the thought that he might get angry and be displeased made her feel very anxious. So, her own fear of his reaction to her behavior was what was really controlling her. We worked with the "part" of her who feared anger, so that she could decide for herself whether she wanted to do something or not. If she did want to do something, she did it because she wanted to, not because she felt she had to, or that he was making her. And also, if she did not want to do something, she was able to tell him why and deal directly with his reaction. Surprisingly, most of the time when she said no, he did not react in anger and they were able to discuss what they wanted to do instead. When he did get angry, Kelly was able to soothe that young part within which got scared, so that they were able to discuss it without Kelly feeling like she had to give in. The result was that Kelly felt much less overwhelmed and much more in control of her own life.

When I give the circle example to people, I often get two responses. One is relief. "You mean I don't have to control everything! I just have to control what is mine?" The other reaction is disappointment. "No! If I don't control everything then I will be unimportant! I'll be nothing!" But it is by feeling in control of your own life that you recapture a true feeling of inner power, which is very far from being a nothing.

In my office I have a sampler upon which is stitched The Serenity Prayer, with one small 'revision'. It reads:

God, Grant me the Serenity
To Accept the Things
I Cannot Control,
Courage to Control
The Things I can,
And Wisdom to
Know The Difference.

I wish you Serenity, Courage and Wisdom.

Amy

Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC is the Director and Founder of The Awakening Center. She works with clients individually and in groups to establish balance, cooperation and harmony among their "parts"; and a feeling of calmness, compassion and inner strength from their core "self". She specializes in women's issues especially: eating disorders and body image problems; depression, anxiety, low self-esteem; couples commun-ication and parenting skills; spiritual and personal growth. Sliding fee/Insurance Available.

Challenging Your Bad Body Image - Part 2

At The Awakening Center we're gearing up to participate in "Fat Talk Free Week" which is sponsored by Tri Delta Sorority (see their website: http://www.tridelta.org). FTFW takes place October 18 - 22, 2010 - and we'll be having activities and workshops about Challenging Body Hatred & Making Peace with Our Bodies during that week. Keep checking our facebook page for more info. (Won't you become a fan of The Awakening Center on Facebook?)

So my blog article today builds on my last blog article Challenging Bad Body Image from July 15, 2010 - click on the July button to the right to read Part 1. This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on recovery from eating disorders, which I will hopefully finish writing soon - I'm on chapter 12 (of 12!).

As I asked last time, anyone know a publisher? Editor? Agent?

Namasté,

Amy Grabowski

Challenging Your Bad Body Image - Part 2

Okay so how do we Challenge Body Hatred? When we say, “I hate my body” we need to dispute that sentence from many angles. First let’s look at the word ‘hate’ - it's quite a powerful word. Think of every possible thing in the whole wide world that deserves the word hate: violence, war, rape, racism, child abuse, cancer, terrorism, world hunger, global warming, slavery, genocide, pollution, torture, drive by shootings…– these are big things in the world! I’m sure you can think of several more things that deserve the word ‘hate.’ Notice what happens when you consider these things. Now consider where does the size and shape of your body fit on this list? Most people realize, it doesn’t!

So let’s eliminate the word ‘hate’ when we describe our bodies and save it for things that deserve it. Think of ‘hate’ and ‘love’ as two ends of a continuum. (You know how much I enjoy continuums). What words would you put in between? We need to find a softer, gentler word or phrase – dislike, not so crazy about, not my favorite, lukewarm about, half-hearted about. How about, “I am critical of my body.” That feels more accurate. And we are going to challenge even that in several ways…

Next let’s look at some things that are not said, but rather implied when you state, “I am critical of my body.” Let’s challenge the word “I.” As you know, we have many Parts. When you say “I” you imply that all of you, all of your Parts are critical of your body. But it feels very different to say, “Some of my Parts are critical of my body.” It leaves the possibility open that there are other Parts who are not critical of your body – there may even be the possibility that there are Parts who like your body, enjoy your body, and maybe even find your body beautiful! (Am I pushing it too far here?)

So we’ve changed the sentence to “A Part of me is critical of my body.” Now let’s look at ‘my body’ – this implies 100% of my body, 100% of the time. I know there are times when what you look like is important: your wedding day, going on a job interview or a first date. When I gave an important speech to a group of psychotherapists, it was important to me to look polished and professional. But if you think about it, these are the minority of our life. There are so many more times when what you look like is irrelevant or unimportant, like in the example with Gabriela (Amy's Note: See Part 1). It’s not that in those moments you adore your body, it’s more of an absence of criticism or judgment. Sitting alone on a porch swing, reading an engrossing novel, walking the dog early in the morning, hanging out with a really good friend, or talking to your therapist – how important is it what you look like? Not very. There are many times when we are with people who know everything about us and yet, can still see beauty within and without. Who we are on the inside is what is important to them. Pay attention and notice all the times when what you look like is irrelevant or unimportant. Seek out these moments!

This changes the sentence to “Sometimes, a Part of me is critical of my body.” This implies that there are times when the Part is not critical of your body. (Although you may find that the minute you notice the Part is not critical of your body, the critical Part starts up again. Oh well! Just enjoy the brief reprieve and know that the more you practice this the longer the reprieve will be.)

The last step will be to challenge ‘100% of my body.’ Let’s look at your entire body – yes, there are parts of your body that you are not crazy about or dislike. Some of these parts are pretty universal. Most of us think our feet are ugly – if you think about what feet have to do they can get pretty beat up and unsightly. The majority of female clients find it difficult to like the very parts of their bodies that make them female: hips, thighs, rear. We’ll talk more about these parts later in the chapter.

But there are also parts of your body that you are neutral about – how do you feel about your elbows, your earlobes, your forehead, your wrists? And if push comes to shove, I’m sure there are parts of your body you like: your eyes, your lips, your teeth, your nails, your baby toes.

So this changes our sentence yet again to: “Sometimes, a Part of me is critical of some of my body.” Now let’s substitute a mantra you can practice telling yourself. Here are some suggestions, “Every body has beauty.” “My appearance is a small part of who I am.” “I look acceptable (or fine, or OK – pick a word that fits for you).” “I don’t have to look perfect to be lovable.” And then there’s the old standby, “I do not look like I feel. I do not look like I think I look.”

Look for Part 3 of this topic soon!

I'd love to hear your comments, suggestions, questions, reactions.... Feel free to email me at awakeningcenter@aol.com

Namasté,

Amy