Think, Before Acknowledging

By Michel Harris, RD, LDN, CDE

 One of my clients, who recently achieved her goal weight, arrived to our session looking defeated. She explained that her attempt to donate blood turned humiliating when the receptionist commented on her thin appearance and then announced to the entire room how much she weighed. A second client, who is close to her goal weight, endures hurtful comments from her co-workers on a daily basis. They cannot seem to stop reminding her of how lucky she is to “eat anything she wants and stay so thin.”

The way in which these people behaved towards my clients reminds me of a scene from the movie “Splash.” Darryl Hannah is in a department store purchasing underwear, and the saleslady, while trying to sell her something fancier, commented on her appearance, then said “My daughter-in-law, on the other hand is lucky, she’s anorexic.” For both of my clients, the remarks of others sting because having an eating disorder makes them feel anything but lucky. Just like the saleslady in “Splash,” these comments seem to equate underweight and thinness as a status everyone desires. While they wouldn't be expected to know the circumstances that my clients have faced, they have acted disrespectfully by assuming they enjoy being recognized for their appearance.

You may think that underweight and thin have the same meaning, but to clarify, underweight refers to someone who is not at his or her desired weight for health. A thin person is at a healthy weight but is often viewed as underweight by those who are dissatisfied by their own appearance.

As a dietitian, I have heard just as many stories involving humiliation of underweight and thin clients, as I have of those who are overweight or obese. However, since the media promotes underweight and thinness as the appearance everyone strives for, it is assumed that weight-related comments are welcomed by this population.

When you are about to ask your friend why she is eating yogurt or exercising because she is so thin, stop and remind yourself that she may be struggling with accepting her own body or maybe she is very confident with living a healthy lifestyle. Remember, you don’t know her life story or how she came to her current appearance.

I will close with a line from one of my favorite songs by the artist Monica: “Just one of them days a girl goes through.” While this song is about a relationship in which the girl apologizes to her boyfriend for wanting to be alone sometimes, I used to play this song in my college days when I was having a poor body image day. All of us, despite our body size, have days in which we are uncomfortable with our body. Let’s support each other and acknowledge our non-physical attributes.

Michel Harris is the staff nutritionist at The Awakening Center. She counsels clients individually and in group. Check back on the Calendar page for updates on new groups in 2015. Michel is accepting new clients, so call 773-929-6262 for more information.

Myths of Recovery - #1

There are many myths about recovery – and in this Blog I’d like to highlight one of them.  The myth is: “If I recover, then all the people in my life will be different.  Everyone will recover along with me.  And I will never have to deal with difficult or dysfunctional people ever again.”

Oh if only that were true!  I know that some families are motivated enough to do the deep difficult work to change along with their daughter or son who is recovering.  But many families are not.  Some will do some surface work and change a behavior or two – and some may even maintain those changes for a long while, maybe forever! 

But many of my clients come from families that are resistant to change because their own Parts are so extreme and may not have the “Self-energy” to tolerate the discomfort necessary to make lasting changes. 

So I tell my clients, “Your family may not recover along with you.  They are who they are!”  And then my clients have to do double work, they have to do the deep difficult work necessary to recover – and they have to find a way to maintain that recovery in a family that may stay as difficult and dysfunctional as ever. 

Some clients resist accepting that their families will not change – and they may use a lot of time and energy to get their families to change.  They may even put their own recovery on hold while they try and try and try and try, thinking, “If I try hard enough, then they will be different, and if they are different, then they will love me.” 

I have an analogy that I give to illustrate the futile nature of this.  Your friends go to a pet store and come home with kittens and puppies.  You see them cuddling with and petting these pets and you want one too.  So you go to the pet store and they hand you a box.  You go home and open the box and find that it’s a hedgehog!  You want to cuddle and pet the hedgehog, but when you try, you get hurt by the prickly spines. 

There are some good things about having a hedgehog – they are unusual animals and I’m sure they do some fun things.  But you have to be careful when you handle a hedgehog.  You may need to wear special gloves and wrap the hedgehog in a protective towel.

No matter what you do, a hedgehog will not turn into a kitten or a puppy.  If you are really nice, the hedgehog will still be a hedgehog.  If you give it a lot of money, it still will be a hedgehog.  If you lose weight, it’s still a hedgehog.  If you are perfect, it’s still a hedgehog.  It will never, ever turn into a kitten or puppy.

For those of you who come from difficult or dysfunctional families the same is true – we may not get the same things as our friends get from their families.  There may be some unique things about our families that we can enjoy, but we may need to handle them in special ways – ways that our friends don’t have to do. And no matter what we do, they will always be the way they are.  “They are who they are!”

When we can accept our families the way they are, when we stop spending so much time and energy trying to get them to change, then we can work on the “special ways to handle” our families so our recovery isn’t derailed every time we are with them.

I hope you ponder what “special ways” do you need to learn to handle your family?   You may want to read another of my Blog articles: “Changing The Game” to learn a fun way to deal with your family: http://awakeningcenter.blogspot.com/2011_11_01_archive.html

Namaste,

Amy Grabowski

Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC is the Director of The Awakening Center.  She established The Awakening Center 20 years ago!  Yet, she feels like it was only yesterday!