Self-Love: Can we just talk about me for a minute?

Most children pop out into the world and just know they are great. They love themselves, they love people around them. When we get to adulthood many of us have been taught to un-love ourselves. So what happens between childhood and adulthood? Some have learned to place others above themselves, experienced trauma, taught that self-love is somehow immodest…and then we spend so much of our adult lives vacillating between wanting to love ourselves and not knowing how to start to go about loving ourselves or even having permission to do so. Self love can be the underpinning of abundance, career, friendship and creativity.

How do you start? Starting to make your way to self love may involve looking for a time in your life when you remember that you loved yourself? Loved your personality? Loved your body? Was it early in childhood? Was it babyhood? What did it feel like? That memory may serve as a template.

How differently would you live if you treated yourself with love all day? Would you walk differently? Eat differently? Dress differently? Have more fun? Would you have a different career path? Different friends? Hobbies?

For those who have unlearned to put themselves first – or who have had it taken away, returning to that love can involve a learning curve. It can take some getting-used-to-it. Some think that self love is elusive and can only be achieved once all the un-love and forbidden emotions have been removed from one’s thought system. As if there is some policing darkness that won’t allow us to pass into the forbidden continent of “love for self”. This can be valid - other emotions are likely to show up along the path to self love. However, I’m suggesting that the process can be gentler than that. Self love can be gentle. And it can be learned gently. Self love can also be fierce, that no matter what, you can hold love for yourself.

Consider that the interfering thoughts (insecurity, anger, sadness, etc.) can occur at the same time as self love. So, you can be angry AND have self-love at the same time. You can throw a party for a friend AND have self love. You can be impatient in line AND have self love.

What do you admire about yourself? Are you a great friend? Do you expand your mind by reading? Do you have a great eye? Can you find beauty in simple things? That may be the easiest place to start. You may also ask a friend what they love about you and try to see yourself from that perspective. Gratitude is a great door into self-love.

And if all else fails, give a compliment. If you can see a quality (joy, intelligence, problem-solving, etc.) in another, then it is likely that you possess that same quality. Perhaps without even knowing it. Take it a step further and give yourself that compliment.

Lastly, a great way to find self-love is to give to yourself. Is there a color you have been craving? Give yourself that color. Draw it, color it, paint it, put it on your toenails, put some food dye in a glass of water and admire that color in a window sill in the sun. That color may represent self-love to you in that moment or day or week. Give yourself time, appreciation, quiet and still. Take yourself on a date. What have you been craving to do? Go to an art store, or sit in a park? Give it to yourself.

You may even thank yourself. Or even, dare I say?...Love yourself.

Warmly,

Erin Diedling, MEd, LPC

Simplify

“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” Hans Hofmann

When thinking about the many challenges of recovery and living an authentic, fulfilled life the idea of simplicity came to mind. This may seem to be the very opposite of our tendency as often we think that building a life that is fulfilling must be complex and complicated. To be happy, satisfied and content we often get trapped in the overwhelming thoughts of all that we must accomplish or change. We get stuck in all the noise of what we don’t know or what must be figured out. “Well when I get that to do list checked off I’ll feel better” or “As soon as I get my degree and get started on the career path I desire I will feel better” or “When I finally get to travel and get away I’ll feel better.” We focus on the future, the things we must do and all that needs to get done.

What if what would make us content and at peace is an option now? What if it is possible to have fulfillment and happiness while we work on ourselves and continue marching forward? So often we are taught and told that there are things and ways to feel happy. We are sold the lies that when we conquer our fears, when we find that relationship, when we have more money, when we buy that thing we will have happiness. The problem is we keep trying these paths to happiness and peace and they all end up as dead ends. We keep looking for the magic answer that is going to give us what we desire and we are continually disappointed until we start looking in a new direction. In.

We look for things outside of ourselves to fulfill us, define us, or take away the discontent. We make things more complicated that they need to be and think happiness has to wait while we figure it all out. What would happen if we slowed down, quieted down the noise and looked inside? What could our day look like and feel like if we chose to listen to ourselves and all the answers that already lie within? Trusting this place inside ourselves certainly takes time and practice but there is so much knowledge if we just slow down and look inside.

When we look inside and focus on what we know, what needs to be heard and how we are feeling we can truly move forward in a way that is going to feel fulfilling. We may not feel the peace, happiness or comfort immediately. But at least it gives us the chance to begin building a life based on a true sense of satisfaction. By focusing on this moment and just simply taking the next right step for ourselves we get back to looking inwards. There is a powerful, intuitive, and infinite knowledge we all have inside that we often deny and trade for the promise of external solutions that guarantee eventual satisfaction.

My hope is that we can all begin slowing down our days, finding ways to connect to that internal knowledge, and trust all we have inside to bring happiness. We often need to be reminded to quiet all the noise so we can truly hear the significant and meaningful choices that can bring the peace and joy we all desire. Taking time to pause and appreciate the simple pleasures in our lives can give us a sense of stillness and tranquility that allows the many insights we desire to emerge.

Warmly,

Jen Schurman, MA, LPC