Mentors, Kids and Advocates

Mentors, Kids and Advocates
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

A Note From Amy: As I’ve mentioned in the newsletter before I’m writing a book about recovery from eating disorders. The following is another excerpt. You can read previous excerpts on our website.

….We all have a Self, a capable conductor, within us. The Self is the part I refer to as “Wisdom”. When we are in our Self, we feel centered and grounded. It is because of this centered and grounded state that we can feel calm and peaceful. An important aspect of the Self is compassion, a loving, empathic nurturance towards ourselves, the parts and others. The Self also feels courage and confidence, and possesses the clarity needed to handle whatever life gives us. Using its qualities of curiosity and creativity, the Self helps the parts resolve any problems that may arise. We are able to be current, to stay in the present when we are in our Self. And through the Self we connect to who we are, to our parts, to other people and to our place in the bigger picture of life. When we are in our Self, we have the capacity for objectivity – the ability to step back and observe our parts, other people, or ourselves, without criticism or judgment.

The second premise is that each of the parts has a positive role in the system. In an orchestra, the tuba’s role is to add depth by contributing low bass notes to the music. Another role of the tuba is to emphasize the beat. While other instruments may also have similar roles, only the tuba can do it in its own unique way. Our parts also have a positive intention behind all that they do. When the parts are cooperative and working together, it’s easy to imagine what the intention is. If we asked the tuba what it is trying to do for the orchestra, the musician would answer, “My bass notes add depth and rhythm to the music. I’m trying to help the orchestra as a whole sound as wonderful as possible so that the audience thinks highly of us.” It’s when the parts are not cooperative and are not working together, or when the conductor isn’t present that the positive role and intention may be harder to find.

Just as musicians are organized into identifiable sections of the orchestra, our parts can be organized into groups as well. It is entirely possible for you to experience one, two, or several parts in each group with slightly different roles. For example, in the Mentor group you may have one who manages your finances, while another monitors your career path.

One of the difficulties of describing each group of parts is making it easy enough to understand without oversimplifying the parts’ complexities. When you read about the different groups of parts, please trust your own inner wisdom. If I say Mentors often feel adult in age, but one of your Mentors feels young to you, so be it – have faith in your own experience. You don’t have to force your parts to fit my description. The descriptions that I give are rough guidelines, not rigid rules.

I’ll start with the parts I call the Mentors. These parts often feel adult in age and are often experienced as cognitions, or thoughts. Their positive role is to manage our day-to-day life while motivating us to learn, grow and to be the best we can be. They possess the ability to organize, plan and problem solve. These parts are very productive and promote “doing”. In the long run, the Mentors want us to find fulfillment and meaning in our life.

But, all work and no play make Jill a dull girl, right? While the Mentors keep us moving forward in life, the Kids make life enjoyable along the way. You know by their very name, Kid parts usually feel young. More often than not, these parts are experienced as emotions and sensations in the body. When in balance and in harmony with the other parts, they feel fun and playful. Your sense of humor comes from the Kid parts. They possess an awe and wonder of life. A deep sense of self-worth, contentment and a love of life can come from the Kid parts.

The last group of parts is the Advocates. The Advocates remind me of adolescents; they bring an enjoyable kind of “spunk” and energy into the mix. These parts can speak to us through our thoughts as well as through our body. The Advocates push us to take care of ourselves, to stand up for ourselves, and to protect ourselves. They remind us to have balance in our lives and encourage our parts to be in balance as well. Remember “all work and no play”? The Advocates also remind us that “all play and no work” doesn’t feel well either. The many roles of the Advocates can be as varied as reminding us to rest when tired or to speak up when someone takes advantage of us.

There is an openness to the relationship between the different parts. The parts communicate freely with each other and with the Self. The parts want the Self to listen to them, it’s important that they feel heard. They want the Self to appreciate what they do for the system as a whole. And the parts want the Self and the other parts to take care of them when they need it.

When the system works it’s wonderful! But when the system doesn’t work, when there is no sense of Self and the parts leap in to fill the void, it’s painful, chaotic and frantic!

Notice I said, “no sense of Self” instead of “no Self”. It’s not that the Self is entirely absent; it’s just hidden away. In another of Dr. Schwartz’s analogies, the Self is like the President of the United States. If the United States were under attack, the President would be whisked away to a safe place for his or her own protection. After the crisis, he or she would return to his or her leadership role and everything would return to normal. So your Self is there somewhere, hidden away for it’s own protection.

Returning to the orchestra analogy, if the conductor of the Chicago Symphony didn’t show up for a performance one day, the musicians probably would perform as professionally as usual. The audience most likely wouldn’t be able to hear any difference. When the conductor returned, the musicians would be concerned and would want an explanation. The relationship between the conductor and musicians would be back to normal quickly.

If the conductor started to miss performances sporadically and was inconsistent at attending rehearsals, the trust between the musicians and the conductor would break down. Some animosity would begin to develop. In the conductor’s absence, sooner or later one of the musicians would take over, “Okay, I think we should all turn to page 34 and start from measure 178. Let’s play it a little jazzier.” Because the musician is not trained to be a conductor and does not have the qualities needed to be the conductor, eventually another musician is going to say, “Why are you conductor? Why aren’t I conductor? I don’t want to play it jazzy, I think it should be more formal!” Since more than one musician may rebel against the pseudo-conductor, we’ve got chaos and anarchy.

When I describe an orchestra without a conductor, in my mind I picture Junior High School band. Without the teacher, some bully will grab the piccolo and throw it in the tuba. There will be some anxious kid saying, “Oh, we should keep practicing anyway. We’re going to get in trouble!” Another student shouts, “Who cares! I never liked you anyway, get out of here!” Then the drums will play as loud at it can to drown out everyone else.

What happened to the beautiful music that the orchestra is capable of playing? It’s lost! They stopped working together; they each have their own agenda that they feel is more important than any other musician’s agenda. They need the conductor, just as our parts need a capable leader to keep them working together. They need the Self.

Without a sense of Self, we feel hollow and empty, directionless and lost. The connection with our parts and with others is gone. This is the void that Emily described so vividly in chapter 1. I’ll talk about what causes the Self to get hidden away in the next chapter. I want to describe briefly what happens to the parts when the Self is missing. It helps if you think of the parts as existing on a continuum, with being in balance (I may even assert that the part is in it’s “self”) on one end of the continuum and becoming more and more extreme in it’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors as it moves away from the Self, towards the other end of the continuum.

For the sake of simplicity I’m going to start with the Kid parts. Since our parts act just like their “real life” counterparts it helps to imagine how real kids think, feel and react. Let’s imagine that something happens that is upsetting, someone gets mad at you over a misunderstanding. Without the Self’s soothing reassuring presence, the Kids feel frightened. Realizing they are alone, that there is no one to take care of them, they become anxious. They don’t know how to handle the situation because they are young and inexperienced. They begin to doubt themselves and feel worthless, “What’s wrong with me? I’m not good enough.”

When the Kids are more extreme, I call them the Exiles. This is because the more frightened and helpless they become, the more the other parts push them away in an attempt to help you to not feel these uncomfortably intense emotions. The Exiles also hold our memories from our past. The more traumatic the memories, the more the other parts try to lock the Exiles away in order to not face the feelings that arise when the Exiles get close to a memory.

Usually the anxiety felt by the Exiles will activate the Mentors who rush in to try to take care of the situation. Because they do not possess the soothing reassuring wisdom of the Self, their care taking is often not what the Exiles need or want. Mentors, when they become extreme, can become the Bullies. As they become more extreme, their behavior and thoughts become more and more critical and judgmental. “Stop being such a baby! No one else is acting like this. What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you just get over it?” They can become perfectionistic, punitive and loud. Again I will remind you that our parts act and react like their real life counterparts. The Exiles, looking for soothing and reassurance, become more agitated and fearful as the Bullies start yelling at them. The Bullies react to this with more perfectionism, which elicits more anxiety, which elicits more perfectionism… Round and round they go. 

Finally, the Advocates step in. As extreme as the other two parts have gotten, the Advocates become extreme as well. Advocates often take on two extreme roles, one of which is the Rebel. They rebel against the Bullies. “If you can’t be perfect, then why bother! Who cares? It won’t make any difference anyway.” Their other extreme role is the Numb-er (as in Numbing). The Numb-er says, “I can take all the feelings away. I’ll make it all better. You deserve to eat this (or starve, or purge, etc. etc.).”

And you know what happens next. The Bullies jump in and berate you for eating (starving, purging, etc.). The Exiles feel even more anxious and worthless. The Rebels and Numb-ers convince you to eat (starve, purge) even more….

The relationship between the parts become rigid and inflexible. When their words and behavior doesn’t elicit the result they want, the parts get locked into just doing more and more of the same. They become even more extreme. They seem incapable of trying anything different.

Establishing a firm sense of Self and getting the parts back in balance, back in their part-self, is the goal of recovery.

Putting Recovery in Your Own Hands

Putting Recovery on Your Hands
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

If you don't count calories, exercise or focus on your appearance, what do you do? How does one actually recover? You can't just go out and buy a "self". Many years ago a client asked me to come up with my top 10 recovery tips "a la David Letterman". When I describe total recovery to a client I use the ten fingers to illustrate needing both halves to recover fully. Each finger represents a different aspect needed for recovery.

The first five points, the fingers on the left hand, will sound very familiar and you may have a reaction very similar to Maureen, "When I read all this stuff about eating when you're hungry, I want to scream! If I could eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full I wouldn't need the book! I have no idea anymore when I'm hungry and I'm petrified if I let myself eat what I want because I won't be able to stop. I just don't have that kind of trust in my body. After so many years of denying my hunger, I don't even know what hunger is anymore. I haven't a clue what genuine fullness feels like either. The whole relearning to eat experience is very frightening!"

I assure you that I know what you are talking about, when I was in the depths of my eating disorder I probably was more able to sprout wings and fly than eat normally. And that's the point I am trying to make, you need the second half before you can do the first. So that is why I am writing the second half of the book, the sense of Self half, first. Because you have to resolve these issues first, otherwise your eating will always be tense. When you have a sense of Self, the eating half can relax and fall into place.

Other people have the opposite reaction. As Michelle put it, "When I hear 'Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full' I have mixed feelings. My initial thought is "Yea right, as if it's that simple!". But, in the same token it's very comforting because it is that simple. It all comes down to learning to listen to my body. As challenging as that can be in the grip of an eating disorder, it really does become simple upon recovery." I want to point out that simple is not the same as easy. At times, simple instructions can elicit feelings of guilt, fear, shame, and failure– "Why can't I just stop this?!" Our inner critic reminds us what we "should" eat and then yells at us when we can't do it. This is because it doesn't acknowledge that the eating is a symptom of the deeper problem. As long as the deeper problem remains, eating will be a battleground.

So hang in there reading through points one through five because I assure you that in future chapters you will learn how to do points six through ten. But if you feel like Maureen and have to skip ahead, I understand.

Starting with the food, eating, weight and body hand, the thumb represents "I eat when I am hungry". (See I told you that it would sound familiar…) That's the shorthand version. But it's much deeper than that. When we analyze it, this point implies that you are able to slow down enough to listen to your body and recognizing your body's signals for hunger. These signals are different for everybody, for every body. These signals are going to be different for every situation, for every day. It also suggests being comfortable with having hunger, with your body's nutritional needs, and allowing yourself to eat each and every time your body becomes hungry. 

The second finger represents "I eat a wide variety of foods." This means that you are able to ask your body what it wants to eat, and then choose foods that would be a good match for what your body asked for. You are also able to give yourself permission to choose from any food at all. All foods are equal, there are no "bad" foods and there are no "good" foods.

The third finger represents, "I stop when I am full." You already have heard this one – it's the one that makes everyone say, "I can't do it! I just can't stop eating once I start. I have no control! That's why I have to monitor myself so closely." In a way this sounds harder than it is. I want to reiterate that if you only work on the food half then this aspect will always be a struggle. Stopping when you are full implies that you are able to slow down your eating and listen to your body's signals for fullness. Also, you need to eat mindfully, eating in ways that heighten your feelings of satisfaction. Consistently clients have found that being satisfied is more important than being full.

If the third point sounds harder than it is, then the fourth point "I forget about it afterwards and get on with my life!" is harder than it sounds. "Normal" eaters don't think about what they've eaten, even if they've eaten too much. They may rub their stomachs and moan, "Oh I ate too much!" But then they go cut the grass, work on the computer, whatever. How are they able to do this? They have what I call body trust. They know their body, they know that their body will digest whatever they've eaten and eventually get back to hunger again. If they have overeaten, they know that it just takes longer for their body to get back to hunger. And while they are waiting to get back to hunger, they don't think about it, they don't beat themselves up! You too, can learn how to trust your body.

The last point on this hand is a big job for such a small finger. The pinky finger represents "I accept, love and appropriately move the body I was given genetically". I feel that this is such a large aspect of recovery that I have devoted a whole section of the book to it. This is very difficult to do in our society where we are constantly bombarded with messages that no matter what you look like, it isn't good enough. Our culture is working towards acceptance of diversity of race, ethnicity, and color. But it still does not accept that people come in a wide variety of body types and sizes.

This aspect of recovery means living outside of societal norms. It means refusing to listen to messages about what your body "should" look like. It means stopping every negative thought about your body and learning to accept it as it is. When we can learn to listen to our body's signals for hunger and fullness, we also start to hear its signals for movement and rest. My clients are often surprised at how often their bodies want to move, to dance, jump, skip, swim. When they stop and listen to their bodies, they may become aware of "antsy–ness" when they are zoning out in front of the TV. They also learn to respect the body's need for rest and rejuvenation. 

Okay for those of you who skipped ahead you can start reading now. The second half, the right hand is symbolizes the primary issues to work on, the ones that if lacking make the other half always tense. These next five points are what I consider the essential emotional and spiritual aspects of recovery.

The thumb of the right hand represents "I know who I am". The tag line for The Awakening Center is "Discover who you were meant to be." This is the sense of Self I mentioned earlier. In the next chapter I will describe this sense of Self in depth, but briefly it is a deep–seated calm feeling of personal strength that is always with you, no matter what.

The next finger is "I like who I am". This means being at peace with all your various parts. Living each day in harmony and cooperation with your Self. I often say to my clients that the most important part of recovery is answering two questions "Who am I?" and "Am I OK?" Once you have the answer to the first question, you realize the answer to the second one is, "Yes". Since all babies are born pure and innocent, the answer is always, "Yes". But you have to come to that answer yourself.

The third finger on this hand represents: "I have a direction and a purpose for my life". This point is about finding meaning in one's life. Being able to put life in perspective, knowing what is important and what really is trivial. Learning to live life with our values and ethics in a fulfilling manner.

The ring finger is "I have the confidence and the tools to get there". Having a direction and purpose isn't enough, because life isn't always going to cooperate. Sometimes it will and things will fall right into our laps. But many times we really have to work for something. This point includes learning coping mechanisms, tools, skills and resources that we may not have learned when we were younger.

Again the last finger has such a big job "I have healthy relationships". This point is about learning to relate to others through your Self and relating in a way that brings out the Self in others as well. If the person can only relate through their parts, it means that you stay in your Self as much as possible anyway. Being able to connect to others, both give and take, in a meaningful and reciprocal way.

I think of the two halves complimenting each other like a three dimensional yin–yang. Just like the two hands, when we put all the points of the two halves together our life can be at peace. Every once in a while you have to work on something, to take care of problems. Afterwards life becomes calm again.

So you can see the answer lies in finding your Self. I encourage you to keep reading and "Discover who you were meant to be."

Amy Grabowski

Let your creative self shine

In the ‘hustle and bustle’ of our daily lives we have a hard time finding (or making) time for ourselves. Getting time to ‘stop and smell the roses’ is a foreign concept in which we often don’t think we can take time for, or even deserve. Noticing our senses, managing our breathing, and simply taking in the small things are all part of getting the best quality of this wonderful life.

To add one more item on the lengthy list of ‘to-dos,’ I ask that you find one way you are able to let your creativity shine through. This task does not mean to be taxing, but a way to explore more of you, slow down, and have a healthy outlet to all that may be going on in your lives. I believe creativity is an innate quality, we just have it hidden somewhere and we haven’t always given it the time to sneak out and present itself to us.

Finding our creativity may be something as fun as finding the rhythm to a song and dancing around the house to a beat you have made up. It could be singing at the top of your lungs and finding your voice is pretty great. Making little or big sketches while in transit or while on a break from work is a way to release this sparkle that we are given as well. Another way to brighten up or liven up the routine is to use fun colored markers or pens.

The options can be as cheap or as much as you would like. Getting construction paper and making stationary, making labels for items around the house, repainting furniture or picture frames, arranging flowers or even a room. There are many ideas that show our side of creativity that often times we are not even aware we have. If you don’t see yourself as a creative being, that is alright, you don’t have to start big. Grab a small, blank notebook and just start doodling. Shutting your eyes is always a good warm up. Turn on music for even 3 minutes at a time and see what appears on the page. It is a very freeing experience to have a book of scribbles or lines and not have judgment.

Whatever it is you find to bring out your creativity, own it. We are never too old for creating or making art. This is an expression of us that isn’t always visible. Just take a couple times a week to explore yourself through your very own imagination. It is a part of you that may be a nice surprise to be revealed. Just give it a whirl. Find highlighters, pens, or colored pencils, use nail polish or markers with water to make watercolor. Whatever the medium, take the time to enjoy the process, enjoy yourself, and simply be.

Warmly,

Anne Riley

Anne is a Master's level intern at TAC. She facilitates the Art Therapy group (sliding scale available) on Thursday evenings.

Self-Love: Can we just talk about me for a minute?

Most children pop out into the world and just know they are great. They love themselves, they love people around them. When we get to adulthood many of us have been taught to un-love ourselves. So what happens between childhood and adulthood? Some have learned to place others above themselves, experienced trauma, taught that self-love is somehow immodest…and then we spend so much of our adult lives vacillating between wanting to love ourselves and not knowing how to start to go about loving ourselves or even having permission to do so. Self love can be the underpinning of abundance, career, friendship and creativity.

How do you start? Starting to make your way to self love may involve looking for a time in your life when you remember that you loved yourself? Loved your personality? Loved your body? Was it early in childhood? Was it babyhood? What did it feel like? That memory may serve as a template.

How differently would you live if you treated yourself with love all day? Would you walk differently? Eat differently? Dress differently? Have more fun? Would you have a different career path? Different friends? Hobbies?

For those who have unlearned to put themselves first – or who have had it taken away, returning to that love can involve a learning curve. It can take some getting-used-to-it. Some think that self love is elusive and can only be achieved once all the un-love and forbidden emotions have been removed from one’s thought system. As if there is some policing darkness that won’t allow us to pass into the forbidden continent of “love for self”. This can be valid - other emotions are likely to show up along the path to self love. However, I’m suggesting that the process can be gentler than that. Self love can be gentle. And it can be learned gently. Self love can also be fierce, that no matter what, you can hold love for yourself.

Consider that the interfering thoughts (insecurity, anger, sadness, etc.) can occur at the same time as self love. So, you can be angry AND have self-love at the same time. You can throw a party for a friend AND have self love. You can be impatient in line AND have self love.

What do you admire about yourself? Are you a great friend? Do you expand your mind by reading? Do you have a great eye? Can you find beauty in simple things? That may be the easiest place to start. You may also ask a friend what they love about you and try to see yourself from that perspective. Gratitude is a great door into self-love.

And if all else fails, give a compliment. If you can see a quality (joy, intelligence, problem-solving, etc.) in another, then it is likely that you possess that same quality. Perhaps without even knowing it. Take it a step further and give yourself that compliment.

Lastly, a great way to find self-love is to give to yourself. Is there a color you have been craving? Give yourself that color. Draw it, color it, paint it, put it on your toenails, put some food dye in a glass of water and admire that color in a window sill in the sun. That color may represent self-love to you in that moment or day or week. Give yourself time, appreciation, quiet and still. Take yourself on a date. What have you been craving to do? Go to an art store, or sit in a park? Give it to yourself.

You may even thank yourself. Or even, dare I say?...Love yourself.

Warmly,

Erin Diedling, MEd, LPC

Un-Inspired

What dreary weather! How hectic the stores! And don't even mention traffic! Anne Riley, the art therapy practicum student from the Adler School of Professional Psychology, has hit it right on the head with her blog article: "Un-inspired." Let's see if we can find a little Inspiration to help carry us through the rest of the year.

Namasté,

Amy Grabowski

"Un-Inspired"

Un-inspired. How many times has this occurred in one’s life? How is one able to see a way to alter this feeling? How might one’s viewpoint change if un-inspiration takes place? What does the word uninspired even mean? Has all passion been lost when one gets to this point? What is it that makes one un-inspired?
So many questions come to mind; thoughts go circling around and around and still….nothing. How might we come to this place of not having inspiration to do what may be asked of us to do? Could it be pressures in life or stress to find perfection? It seems as though we are searching too hard to find the solution or that “right “ thing that needs to be created or thought of. A strong sense of being stuck comes to our attention and then, more questions arise. It seems as though it is a vicious cycle. We take a walk, we search for answers in the wind, we seek friends and family, we look for signs that could change our behavior or thoughts of being in a lull.
The emotions that come up once we fall from being inspired, are one’s of hopelessness, wonder, and disappointment (along with many others not mentioned). To many of us, it can be a scary thing to have to sit and wonder what could possibly be holding us back from showing our creativity or intelligence or enthusiasm for a particular answer. We tend to beat ourselves up for not having the capability to come up with an explanation for the way in which we go through being un-inspired. When we have needed inspiration, where is that we typically look? Is it others whom we look to or other outside forces besides our self? Whatever or wherever these “answers” to our inspiration may be hiding it makes no difference we just want to know what it is that we may do to find them.
Maybe the reason for being un-inspired to what we would like or need is so we may find ourselves alone. This place isn’t always the top on our list to be, especially a way to find a solution. It is not often that we neither have nor even want the time to simply sit with ourselves; to just be, to just listen to what it is we need. Many times the lack of inspiration comes from us getting out of touch with ourselves. This isn’t always the case, but many times if we look a little bit deeper and sit with ourselves a little bit longer, we find what it is we were looking for.

On the other hand, letting ourselves just be lost in the un-inspired moment is an all right place to be. It isn’t as though we have “thrown in the cards” or given up, but it’s a way to let us see that we will not always have what we need or are looking for and that this may arise from losing touch with our selves. If we could take the pressure off and just sit with whatever it is we need or are feeling, we may be able to find our selves again. The inspiration to achieve what it is we want may take time; sometimes all we need is a little bit of patience to be able to see what it is we really are searching for. Our un-inspired selves will slowly transform back into the creativity and thought that we are capable of having. It is a matter of knowing that we may not always have this at the tip of our fingers (or toes), but to look within ourselves for inspiration to come, no matter the situation.

Anne Riley