Anger, The Misunderstood Emotion

Anger, The Misunderstood Emotion
Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC

A long time ago, I read an article called "Anger Is Your Friend." I thought the author was daft. How could an emotion as scary and taboo as anger be your friend?! I don't remember the actual article, but it started me thinking about anger. And my fascination with the subject spurred my own healing of this misunderstood emotion. Of all the emotions, anger is the one that many people fear and avoid the most.

What is anger? Anger is just one emotion in the full spectrum of emotions, just as blue is one color in the full spectrum of colors. And just as there are many shades of blue, there are many shades of anger, from mildly irritated to violently rageful.

Anger is usually a defense reaction to situations in which our "self" feels threatened. It is a natural, healthy emotion; we are born with it. When we were babies, if someone took our rattle, we got angry. We would scream in order to get our rattle back. When our rattle was returned to us, we learned that anger is useful and productive.

When expressed in appropriate ways, anger can be very constructive. By listening to our anger we can learn about ourselves. Anger tells us how we want to be treated and when we feel mistreated. It tells us about our boundaries and our limits. It can help us enhance our sense of self, and help us to know ourselves better. Resolving anger can help us to change negative patterns and to feel in charge of our lives.

Here's an example of a situation in which anger is expressed in a healthy way. Something happens that makes someone angry. The ones involved (and only those involved) express their anger in a way that says "I am angry at something you did. Here's what I want to happen. What do you need in order to help me make this happen?" The issue is then discussed until a mutual feeling of compromise has been reached. Both parties in the issue come out ahead; its a win-win situation. Through this interaction, anger is seen as something positive that helps resolve problems.

But anger can be uncomfortable and scary. First, society discourages us from expressing anger. If we get angry, we are thought of as crazy or out of control. Women are especially discouraged from expressing anger. When women get angry they are labeled as a "bitch" or "hormonal" and weak.

Secondly, many of us fear anger because of family patterns that taught us that anger is frightening, destructive or even dangerous.

In the first case, families avoid anger like the plague. Any hint of anger may have been met with "Don't you raise your voice to me, young lady!" or some other message that said that anger was not OK. In response we learned to rationalize our anger away. "They didn't really mean it......I shouldn't feel angry." In our attempt to talk ourselves out of being angry, we created a conflict inside ourselves. "I shouldn't feel angry, but I do feel angry. Therefore there must be something wrong with me." We spend a lot of time and energy avoiding anger. We ask ourselves "Do I have a right to be angry?" This would be like asking yourself "Do I have a right to see the color blue?"

When we suppress or rationalize our anger, we fail to learn an important lesson: anger can change and to resolve problems which gives us a feeling of personal power and control in our lives.

In the second case, all anger is expressed in an explosive and destructive way. In some families, any minor offense was met with name calling, shaming, screaming and yelling, or worse, hitting and physical abuse. While anger was expressed more freely than in the anger-phobic family not only was it much more destructive and scary, the family members also never learn how to resolve conflicts.

The first step to healthy expression of anger is to learn to stop avoiding it. When we stuff our anger it builds up. Pent-up anger is hard to control and we often will blow up inappropriately. Pent-up anger also builds up until it turns into rage. It is safer if we vent our anger when it is petty irritations. When we take care of our anger as soon as we realize we feel it, it will not build up.

Sometimes in a relationship, we find ourselves repeating unhealthy patterns. It is easy for us to see what how others make us mad. But it is hard for us to see what we are doing that keeps the pattern going. In her book The Dance of Anger Harriet Lerner describes relationships as circular dances. Each person's dance steps perpetuates and reinforce the other person's dance steps. We do not have control over other people, we cannot change other people, but we can change our own behavior.

If we were dancing the polka with another person, we would both be contributing to the dance. We would only be able to continue to dance as long as both dancers danced. If one of us were to change to a tango, the dancing would change, the polka stops.

Similarly, in a relationship, patterns can go on only as long as both parties continue it. If either person changes anything about the pattern, something would change. It is very empowering, especially for women, to see that they actually can make positive changes occur in their lives just by changing their own behavior.

Many people find that taking a class in Assertiveness Training very helpful to learn what to say to facilitate these positive changes.

But if your fear of anger is paralyzing, short term individual therapy focusing on this problem can quickly get to the root of your anger-phobia. Then you can be "friends" with your anger.

Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC is the Director and Founder of The Awakening Center. She works with clients individually and in groups to establish balance, cooperation and harmony among their "parts"; and a feeling of calmness, compassion and inner strength from their core "self". She specializes in women's issues especially: eating disorders and body image problems; anger, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem; couples communication and parenting skills; spiritual and personal growth. Sliding fee/Insurance Available. 

Being You: Courtney Morris, Graduate Intern

“Being You”

Courtney Morris

I have recently become increasingly aware of the pressure many of us put on ourselves to constantly be “doing”.  We base a large portion of our self-worth on our achievements and activities rather than who we are intrinsically.  This external focus is largely created and reinforced by society at large.  We are taught from a young age the importance of attaining high grades in the classroom and winning trophies in little league, dance recitals, or art shows. 

Our culture continues to push competition through achievement, placing a strong emphasis on constant striving to “do” more.  We often internalize such messages, thus telling ourselves that we must live up to this incessant force taking the place of our true selves. There is no doubt that we are a fast-paced society, but where does this leave room for us to just simply “be”?  How and when can we learn who we are at the core, when we are not striving to achieve what we are told we are supposed to? 

The formation and maintenance of our true identities seem important in providing a core basis for giving us a strong sense of self.  This core self is important to have throughout the highs and lows we all experience in life, something which will carry us through when times are tough and we feel lost.

However, it is easy to get wrapped up in the achievement-focused whirlwind of society.  How then do we separate the “doing” versus “being” components of our identities?  This can be difficult, especially for those of us who are used to judging ourselves based on our accomplishments.  Here are a few suggestions: try out new things you have never done before, not to challenge yourself but rather to learn more about your own preferences; make a list of as many descriptive words about yourself as you can (unrelated to activities you participate in); ask your close friends and family members to describe you in detail; keep a journal about your feelings, thoughts, and ideas.  These are just a few ways to become more aware of your self.  Remember, this may be a slow process!

Breathe, Pause, Consider

Breathe, Pause, Consider

Having an eating disorder is like being a passenger in a rickety old school bus which is speeding down a winding mountain road at night in a blinding thunderstorm. The bus is careening off the guardrails with each turn and picking up speed as it goes along. If this wasn’t bad enough, notice there’s no driver on the bus!

Recovering is like making your way to the front of the bus and getting in the driver’s seat. Imagine with all your senses, feel it in your body as you make your way to the front of the bus. Experience sitting in the driver’s seat. What is the very first thing you would do in this situation?

You probably would reply, “Put my foot on the brake and stop the bus!”

Yes! Once the bus is stopped, you can sit there, as long as you need, to calmly make the decisions necessary to steer the bus to safety. Then, you can start to slowly drive the bus forward again.

An important tool towards recovery is as simple as taking a breath. In the momentary pause of that one breath we can step back and notice what’s going on. Then from our Self, from the place of peace and wisdom within us, we can consider our options –rather than from an emotional knee-jerk reaction.

Early in our lives, we learned to react to situations quickly, without thinking, to protect ourselves from getting hurt or getting in trouble. When these knee jerk reactions were successful, they were reinforced and became habitual. If when we were a child every time someone was angry we quickly tried to fix whatever was wrong, we will be conditioned to fix everyone’s problems as an adult. Not that fixing problems is bad or wrong, but if deep inside a young part of us frantically feels it is her responsibility to fix everything every time anyone is angry then we carry that anxiety and burden with us constantly.

We can practice taking a breath, pausing and considering until it becomes natural to us. Imagine a recent situation that where, in hindsight, you realize now that you felt like Life was racing down the mountain without a driver and you wish you had handled it differently. Maybe something that made your Parts react like in the old days. Now, take a deep breath, filling the bottom lobe of your lungs, holding it and then letting the breath out in a sigh. Repeat a few times until you feel a Pause – like Life has momentarily slowed down. In that Pause, feel yourself step into the wisdom of your Self; ask all your Parts to step back so your Inner Wisdom can see the situation objectively. Consider any and all options. It may help to ask, “What would my best friend do in this situation? What would I suggest to my best friend if the situation happened to her?” Then imagine yourself handling the situation using these suggestions from a place of peace and wisdom within.

I would love to hear your comments about trying this new tool.

Namaste,

Amy

Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC has written a book about recovery from eating disorders. She is in the process of finding a publisher! She can be reached at (773) 929-6262 x 11 or awakeningcenter@aol.com

Developing a Stronger Sense of Self

Where is your favorite place in your home? What is your favorite restaurant? What is your favorite activity to do outside? What about inside? Where is your preferred vacation destination? What is one of your favorite meals? What is your favorite movie? What about your least favorites of all of the aforementioned?
In order to answer these and other similar questions, you need to know yourself and be able to identify what you like and what you don’t like. How do you figure these things out? Many people, myself included, are experiential learners. You learn by doing and experiencing things first hand – visit the place, watch the show, taste the food, participate in the activity. Learning by doing can be unnerving. It’s scary to try something new. The lack of familiarity and the uncertainty of the outcome can be a strong deterrent.
When I first started stepping out of my comfort zone, I felt uneasy and extremely nervous. I over-thought these novel situations and wondered what other people thought of me when they saw me. I felt incredibly self-conscious. However, during each of these experiences I learned something about myself. Despite my discomfort, I knew I was benefiting because I was developing a stronger sense of self, and although I sometimes didn’t feel up for it, I continued to push myself beyond my comfort zone, which was slowly expanding.
Change often occurs when trying something new, and as a result, experiential learning often generates change in some way. Pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone brings the challenge of adjusting to change, which can seem daunting. Nevertheless, with repetitive practice, your comfort zone gradually expands, bolstering self-awareness, as well as a concrete sense of self.
It’s completely normal to feel uncertain and to lack self-confidence. I encourage you to build a stronger sense of self by stepping outside of your comfort zone to try new things. Luckily, the word try doesn’t mean permanent, but is defined as more of a test, to examine something such as a situation or yourself. Although I still sometimes feel nervous when trying new things, I’m not nearly as timid as before. Consequently, I’m able to confidently convey my likes and dislikes, and if I am unsure of my response, I realize that I just have some more self-exploration to do.
Katie Anson, MA, LPC

Katie is Spanish-English bilinqual and sees clients for individual therapy at The Awakening Center. She can be reached at (773) 929-6262 x 23.